Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

Situations of abuse aside, I find this line of thinking challenging. On the one hand, life is long and no one should be sentenced to a life of misery. On the other hand, where do you draw the line between working through rough patches along the road of life and throwing in the towel because you're uninterested or unwilling to put in the work?

NP, but I think where the line is drawn is between the two parties involved and depends on many factors. Who I am I to say how someone else should live their personal life?

I mean.. I did.. he is probably more adverse to it than I would be with two parents who definitely should have gotten divorced but are still miserably married 40 years later.

Anonymous wrote:The notion that children of divorce are going to be well adjusted is a convenient myth. Children are affected. While there may be an amicable divorce where neither parent is alienated and the child doesn't have the typical bad outcomes that simply isn't the norm. Parental alienation, and lack of either a male or female role model is going to impact a child and result in distortions (i.e., maladaptation's in their behavior). eating disorders, suicide attempts, attachment disorders, etc. They all show up to various degrees. Don't think that a woman who raises a man while complaining about his father isn't going to negatively impact that man's development. This means when he gets married he is probably going to exhibit behaviors the wife will not like. Same holds true for a woman who didn't have a father.

I agree people need role models, but why would pointing out fallacies be so much of an issue?

I know who I would not marry. I would not marry someone who’s parents remained married despite cheating or physical abuse. This is a salacious thread meant to create drama. The truth is, there are many red flags about partners that must be considered based on the specific characteristics of that person. A man who’s parents divorced could very well be a wonderful life long spouse. A man who’s parents remained married and never held him accountable could grow up to be a sexual predator. Stop with the generalizations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

Same. And I would not marry the child of a divorcée.

My high school and college friends who are divorced ALL had divorced parents. NONE of my other friends are divorced.

I would and I did.

Anonymous wrote:The notion that children of divorce are going to be well adjusted is a convenient myth. Children are affected. While there may be an amicable divorce where neither parent is alienated and the child doesn't have the typical bad outcomes that simply isn't the norm. Parental alienation, and lack of either a male or female role model is going to impact a child and result in distortions (i.e., maladaptation's in their behavior). eating disorders, suicide attempts, attachment disorders, etc. They all show up to various degrees. Don't think that a woman who raises a man while complaining about his father isn't going to negatively impact that man's development. This means when he gets married he is probably going to exhibit behaviors the wife will not like. Same holds true for a woman who didn't have a father.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naïve and unempathetic and childish.

Oh come on. This is so not true. People got through wars and trauma and all kinds of things...read Viktor Merkel's 'the meaning of life' it was the love of his wife that kept his spirit going in the death camp.

My mother and father came from 'intact', happy marriages that suffered great tragedies---the death of her mother when she was 6 (and 3 younger brothers)---and my dad's father was in a sanatorium with TB for several years and his mother couldn't drive and didn't work. There are generations of 'strong' happy people with good supportive families. They know how to get through tragedy and it's hard to get through a long life without experiencing them.

You don't need a messed up family to learn to cope with tragedy and have perseverance. In fact, may with those messed up families turn to substance abuse and other things to 'cope' as you put it.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the child of divorced parents and there's a ton of trauma in my family that extends beyond the divorce. I refused to date guys who didn't have a divorce or something in their background. People who come from "intact" families or who have never experienced any kind of trouble in life tend to be very judgmental and smug and lack empathy. They also don't have any kind of resilience. When life throws them a curveball, they tend to fold up like a cheap lawn chair. They aren't good at coping with tragedy. And life will throw trouble at you. (Look at the past 2 years!) I didn't go out looking for partners with trauma in their background, but I inevitably found that partners without some scars were naive and unempathetic and childish.

I truly hope that you get the therapy you need to help you deal with the trauma that you are still affected by. Coping without drama or substance abuse is not "unempathetic", "naive" or "childish".

BTW I didn't grow up with "trauma" & I had no difficulty dealing with Covid. In fact, the last 2 years has probably been the BEST 2 years of my life- I realized what was REALLY IMPORTANT, retired early, got a great price for my house, moved closer to my children, became a grandparent & now enjoy my freedom in a state where people have been living mostly without masks. And I have met many others, over the past 2 years, who have done the same and NOT "folded like a cheap lawn chair".

I don't think just divorced parents are enough to mess up kids' future marriages. Yes, some divorces are traumatic, but others are not and the kids learn the hard way about how marriages work.
Some people come from loving homes where they were the center of attention. They know that the marriage was a loving marriage, but they weren't really paying attention to their parents' marriage. It's like they saw a synchronized swimming from just above the water. They may not be aware of the furious paddling below water required to hold it all together.

The notion that children of divorce are going to be well adjusted is a convenient myth. Children are affected. While there may be an amicable divorce where neither parent is alienated and the child doesn't have the typical bad outcomes that simply isn't the norm. Parental alienation, and lack of either a male or female role model is going to impact a child and result in distortions (i.e., maladaptation's in their behavior). eating disorders, suicide attempts, attachment disorders, etc. They all show up to various degrees. Don't think that a woman who raises a man while complaining about his father isn't going to negatively impact that man's development. This means when he gets married he is probably going to exhibit behaviors the wife will not like. Same holds true for a woman who didn't have a father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

Situations of abuse aside, I find this line of thinking challenging. On the one hand, life is long and no one should be sentenced to a life of misery. On the other hand, where do you draw the line between working through rough patches along the road of life and throwing in the towel because you're uninterested or unwilling to put in the work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would give me pause. I am in my late 30s and have 4 close friends who have already divorced. In 3 out of 4 of those cases, the person asking for the divorce has divorced parents. The outlier has parents who are still married but went through multiple separations when the family was young.

I agree. I think the more that divorce is normalized growing up, the more likely someone will turn to it.

'

Divorce is not a sign of failure and there is nothing wrong with it.

Regular people think a successful marriage is one that never ends. That mindset is a problem in it self.

You're an idiot. Please don't get married. Enjoy a long-term, non binding relationship. Ever heard of "til death do we part"?

I don't see divorcees as FAILURES, but their marriage, by definition, failed.

Sometimes the marriage failed. Sometimes the marriage was right for the couple when they were 20 and 30 and 40, but isn't right as they move into middle age. That's not a failure. It's just growing up. If you succesffully lived together for 20 years, you were successful for 20 years. "Until death do us part" is unrealistic for people who get married in their 20s or 30s and live until they are 80+

BOOM!!!!!!

Especially in this day and age where people are living much longer and technology plays an immense roe in ours lives[b].

Such wives on instagram, facebook, twitter, etc. developing unreal expectations about what their husbands income must be and concluding that they can do better which leads them to cheating and divorce? Yes, women cheat. Self reported studies show that women cheat almost as much as men. Also, as a divorce lawyer I can tell you women cheat just as much as men. Also, people are not marrying in their 20s much these days. The average age for marriage is early 30s. You should have yourself figured out by then. I can't tell you the number of divorces I've done where the wife argued emotional neglect/abuse but interestingly the divorce happened right after he lost his job or right after she got a better job. Its disgusting to perpetuate the myth that divorce only happens because men cheat and that wives are innocent. It simply isn't the case.

Anonymous wrote:?

I would rather marry someone whose parents are divorced than someone whose parents stayed together but were miserable. Divorce is not a failure. Why stay with someone if it isn't working out?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the circumstances. Signing up for divorced in laws means an exponentially more complicated in-law relationship, more drama over holidays, potential acrimony at weddings and other events. Eldercare becomes more complicated with step-parents. Inheritances are messier.

If the divorced parents were amicable and self aware, if they understood their choice to divorce meant 1/3 vs 1/2 on holidays/grandchildren events, then I would not make it a dealbreaker, but I would not marry someone whose parents were messily divorced.

Not that it is likely to matter as my parents and in laws are still married, but it is how I would advise my children.

What is in bold is a complete stereotype from divorce 20-30 years ago. None of this is true in my situation.

I don’t think it’s a stereotype (I’m the poster you quoted) I’m an older millennial and the friends I have who are married with divorced parents are going through hell. One was written out of her fathers will in favor of the new baby, but her half brother won’t lift a finger to help her now nearly-senile father find a memory care assisted living. Another gets a drunken tirade every Christmas that she doesn’t spend with her mother and spends with her father because “she’s the baby’s real grandma”. Others spend all day on every holiday driving to three or four households to keep the peace.

One family (amicable and self aware!) tolerates their ex spouse on holidays when it’s their turn. Their assets are in trust for their original kids. A family like that would not raise red flags for me.

It is a stereotype. You cited an example of crazy people who would act crazy even if they were married.

No, I cited examples of my peers who have difficulties dealing with the reality of their divorced parents. Unless you think her dad would have written her out of his will if he hadn’t divorced remarried and had another child which is possible but statistically unlikely.

Again, you are citing stereotypes from 20 years ago. That is a child with divorced parents 20 or so years ago. I am a young Gen X. No other person is getting our kids money. We are divorced. You are still citing an old divorce stereotype. I know a few former couples with young kids who are divorced. None will have the crazy situation you describe. All have finances secured for kids through wills or trusts. People are amicable for the most part and protect their kids. They can't be married. The parents live in different places. That is all.

Well then I am hopeful for a cultural shift towards amicable divorce that protects the children’s finances and makes arrangements for eldercare. As I said in my original post, a situation like that is not one I’d advise my child against, but I would advise against getting involved with messily divorced in laws. It seems like that remains good advice.

Your assumption is that most people have messily divorced in laws...that is the problem. All current divorces I know of people are amicable and reasonable. This is not the 1990s.

Then, before my child is of marrying age, the statistics will drop so that children of a divorced household have the same divorce rates of children of married parents. Right now that is not the case.

I do not assume that “most people” have anything, I extrapolate from my peers. If you read my first post, I said a family where things are amicable and everyone is taken care of is not a red flag.