Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a very narrow ideal of excellence, though. I don't disagree that it is laudable. I have friends like this and I very much appreciate the energy they bring to their lives and how hard they work at their careers and arranging their life just so. We are visiting friends like this today, actually -- they are hosting because they are so good at it and their house is perfectly conducive to it. I am grateful to have them in my life.

But something I learned a long time ago is that if you let go of the idea that this is the "best" or only way to live, you can find ways to perfect who you are more naturally and make your life very beautiful and enjoyable, all without having to somehow become the same as these people (I will never have the ambition or energy or attention to detail for that, much less the money).

My family lives in a small home, but it is artfully decorated with lots of color and items from our travels. I love the color of Scandinavian design but the relaxed vibe of continental eclecticism and our home marries those ideas. Anyone can pick up a copy of Architectural Digest and get ideas, even for a little bungalow with an unrenovated kitchen. I love little details like buying fresh flowers for the dining table every week and putting out DD's colorful artwork from school in proper frames. Is it perfect? Not at all. Is it charming and pleasant? Yes.

And we bring the same ethos to the rest of our life. We go on budget vacations but we put extra effort into finding the best little budget hotel in Vienna. We own a nice camera and take artful but imperfect photos. Our child is not athletic but she is kind and artistically inclined and loves to read, and we encourage those interests and adore her and she flourishes in her own way. Our careers are not high flying or highly paid, but we have exceptional work-life balance that allows us plenty of leisure time for cooking, baking, hiking, and other more relaxed pursuits.

I think we have a very enviable life. Our friends who are like your SIL sometimes envy it, even, because the energy and dedication that goes into what they do must be intense. Being less ambitious, less wealthy, less beautiful or athletic or perfect, does not have to mean being a lazy slob. Lean into what you love and what you are best at. It's cheesy, but being the best version of yourself instead of trying to be a pale imitation of a totally different sort of person is a good approach to life.

Love, love, love this post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is pretty high school and embarrassing to admit so I’m only saying so on an anonymous forum. My SIL and her husband are, what I have come to describe half-jokingly as “tier 1” people. They seem to check off all the SES markers and physical and intellectual attributes that would put them in the spot if there was a social hierarchy. For starters, they’re both beautiful physically. High school and college athletes, they are naturally blessed with good sporty genes and are very good looking. They’re fit, run races and workout intensely every day as if it’s as normal as brushing your teeth. They are also stunningly well dressed with carefully coordinated outfits and expensive clothes. They have the right brand of luxury cars you’d expect in their expensive neighborhood in just the right zip code. They have a tasteful but expensive home in a coveted neighborhood which they’ve outfitted beautifully with the help of interior designers. They of course also earn a handsome income working in finance although SIL will soon be a SAHM upon the birth of their first child.

Meanwhile, my husband is the exact opposite of his hyper perfect sister. He is laid back, jeans and T shirt guy who doesn’t know the difference between Tiffany’s and Kay Jewelers. He doesn’t work out, eats what he wants and works for himself although quite successfully. I too am very laidback, no makeup type of woman and although I try to be active, I have never been athletic and loathe working out. I really want a nice house too and love nice things but it’s hard to be picky when you’re financially strapped. I’m spending a weekend with this couple, for the first time in my life I realized, I’m not a “first tier” person. I’m painfully average.

They sound like a strong beautiful black couple

Anonymous wrote:This is a very narrow ideal of excellence, though. I don't disagree that it is laudable. I have friends like this and I very much appreciate the energy they bring to their lives and how hard they work at their careers and arranging their life just so. We are visiting friends like this today, actually -- they are hosting because they are so good at it and their house is perfectly conducive to it. I am grateful to have them in my life.

But something I learned a long time ago is that if you let go of the idea that this is the "best" or only way to live, you can find ways to perfect who you are more naturally and make your life very beautiful and enjoyable, all without having to somehow become the same as these people (I will never have the ambition or energy or attention to detail for that, much less the money).

My family lives in a small home, but it is artfully decorated with lots of color and items from our travels. I love the color of Scandinavian design but the relaxed vibe of continental eclecticism and our home marries those ideas. Anyone can pick up a copy of Architectural Digest and get ideas, even for a little bungalow with an unrenovated kitchen. I love little details like buying fresh flowers for the dining table every week and putting out DD's colorful artwork from school in proper frames. Is it perfect? Not at all. Is it charming and pleasant? Yes.

And we bring the same ethos to the rest of our life. We go on budget vacations but we put extra effort into finding the best little budget hotel in Vienna. We own a nice camera and take artful but imperfect photos. Our child is not athletic but she is kind and artistically inclined and loves to read, and we encourage those interests and adore her and she flourishes in her own way. Our careers are not high flying or highly paid, but we have exceptional work-life balance that allows us plenty of leisure time for cooking, baking, hiking, and other more relaxed pursuits.

I think we have a very enviable life. Our friends who are like your SIL sometimes envy it, even, because the energy and dedication that goes into what they do must be intense. Being less ambitious, less wealthy, less beautiful or athletic or perfect, does not have to mean being a lazy slob. Lean into what you love and what you are best at. It's cheesy, but being the best version of yourself instead of trying to be a pale imitation of a totally different sort of person is a good approach to life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live surrounded by many of these types of people, who have very organized and lovely lives. And it is on the surface of it, lovely. But it is also a great deal of work. It comes more effortlessly to some but it is still a lot of work. Most of them will have great careers that also involve very long hours. I am certainly not judging it because they are my neighbors and friends but they wanted a certain lifestyle and they worked for it. They put a lot of effort into their houses and their public perception. That most of them were athletes in high school and college doesn't surprise me at all because athletics teaches you discipline and hard work and endurance.

If you don't have the energy or endurance, that's fine. There's no moral judgment here. Just different kinds of people. There's too much judging and resentment these days and willful belief that somehow fortunate people have everything handed to them on a platter. The reality is that most of them worked very hard for it and made very conscious decisions.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live surrounded by many of these types of people, who have very organized and lovely lives. And it is on the surface of it, lovely. But it is also a great deal of work. It comes more effortlessly to some but it is still a lot of work. Most of them will have great careers that also involve very long hours. I am certainly not judging it because they are my neighbors and friends but they wanted a certain lifestyle and they worked for it. They put a lot of effort into their houses and their public perception. That most of them were athletes in high school and college doesn't surprise me at all because athletics teaches you discipline and hard work and endurance.

If you don't have the energy or endurance, that's fine. There's no moral judgment here. Just different kinds of people. There's too much judging and resentment these days and willful belief that somehow fortunate people have everything handed to them on a platter. The reality is that most of them worked very hard for it and made very conscious decisions.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not that hard for most young & well-off couples to present like that OP. Just wait until kids come rolling around.
What would be truly amazing is if they still presented that way in middle age with multiple kids.

Most of the people I knew who were like this before kids are still this way. None have let themselves go the way the people who didn't have it all together before did. It's not that rare in circles like this. When you have enough money you can outsource a lot of the work so there's plenty of time to stay in shape, eat well, decorate well, etc. They aren't going to get the comeuppance you are hoping for.

I wasn't the person that posted this -- you are correct about outsourcing a lot of childcare and keeping it up! However, being raised by the nanny and housekeeper are a lot different than being raised by a present mom/dad. The kids might turn out fine. But higher probability that they do not. And that goes for just about any SES class.

+1
That was the point- kids are the real coin toss that none of us have any control of.
Sure money solves many problems in life, but is it rare that we see examples of unmotivated/ entitled/ not particularly bright or athletic/ normal looking kids from star couples?

Sounds like the point PP was trying to make was that the parents will be fat with a messy house, ie the "way they present" which says nothing of the actual kids. The people I know who are like this only have kids in high school but so far, there too, the kids are doing well and over achievers. They just aren't going to be easily knocked down a few pegs in some karmic reckoning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is pretty high school and embarrassing to admit so I’m only saying so on an anonymous forum. My SIL and her husband are, what I have come to describe half-jokingly as “tier 1” people. They seem to check off all the SES markers and physical and intellectual attributes that would put them in the spot if there was a social hierarchy. For starters, they’re both beautiful physically. High school and college athletes, they are naturally blessed with good sporty genes and are very good looking. They’re fit, run races and workout intensely every day as if it’s as normal as brushing your teeth. They are also stunningly well dressed with carefully coordinated outfits and expensive clothes. They have the right brand of luxury cars you’d expect in their expensive neighborhood in just the right zip code. They have a tasteful but expensive home in a coveted neighborhood which they’ve outfitted beautifully with the help of interior designers. They of course also earn a handsome income working in finance although SIL will soon be a SAHM upon the birth of their first child.

Meanwhile, my husband is the exact opposite of his hyper perfect sister. He is laid back, jeans and T shirt guy who doesn’t know the difference between Tiffany’s and Kay Jewelers. He doesn’t work out, eats what he wants and works for himself although quite successfully. I too am very laidback, no makeup type of woman and although I try to be active, I have never been athletic and loathe working out. I really want a nice house too and love nice things but it’s hard to be picky when you’re financially strapped. I’m spending a weekend with this couple, for the first time in my life I realized, I’m not a “first tier” person. I’m painfully average.

They sound like a strong beautiful black couple