Anonymous wrote:That's not at all true about the courts. 50/50 is the presumption. Generally both parties have to consent to an unequal time split.

That said, Virginia needs to adjust child support for NOVA. Their calculators make more sense for Roanoke than our area.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child support is not payment for caring for your kids. You are not a babysitter. It is to help pay for the basics.

No, but if it means i am using my sick pay, taking time off for kid stuff, not quite able to devote 100% to job like other parent is, that is a measurable negative economic effect.

Yes, you are right. The system, however, does not care about this because it believes that one parent (usually the woman) should provide all the resources to raise a child for free.

You have identified the structural sexism in our current child custody/child rearing systems. Women still do the vast amount of child reading and use sick and vacation leave to do so because we have no paid family medical leave, or we dial down our careers or leave the workforce. This in turn affects our career opportunities because we are less available for work opportunities and we are perceived as being less committed to the company and our careers. Because of that we don’t get promoted or given pay raises as much. Later in life, after the kids are raised, our lack of career success further hobbles us because we are perceived as being behind the career track because we were not capable instead of merely being unavailable. Because we have lower earnings and are less often receiving benefits, we have lower retirement resources and more often end up in poverty.

Your only way out of this is negotiating an amount above child support minimums with the non-custodial parent. Good luck with that.

I am also a parent with full custody of the kids. Right now the father of my kids is on a 6 week overseas assignment that he gave me 5 days notice about. His career is great because for the entire life of my kids, he has been able to take multiple overseas work trips for weeks at a time on short notice. My career? It collapsed because he does not provide me with the same support when I have similar opportunities.

What are you ranting about? You don't get paid to take care of your kids. You have full custody. So, since you have full custody, he can do what he wants when he wants as he doesn't have custody. That was on you for demanding full custody and not having him share custody. That is what full custody means. He is under no obligation to provide you with any support and at best, he gets some visitation.

Child support is not a salary. If you need more money, get a better job. Simple. Go back to school in a higher paying field.

We have paid family medical leave. We have paid leave. With most professional jobs you are allowed sick/annual leave and you save it for when you need it. If you choose to go on a two week vacation then need two weeks off for illness too bad.

Your assumptions are erroneous.

I did not “demand” full custody. I offered 50/50 custody, and he did not take it. He could have asked for more custody at any time over the last 15 years, but he did not and continually turned down my encouragement of a schedule that included more overnights. Only in the last couple of years did he even commit to taking custody one weekend night a week.

Many men are like this - they never take equal responsibility for child-rearing, neither inside the marriage nor outside.

The answer is not for women to dump the children on his door step. Children are not a game of ding dong ditch.

I reiterate what I said above. Our child custody and support system structurally encourages men to pay less than an equal share of what it costs to raise their children - both in money and in time. Women are penalized for this financially and socially.

Many men are NOT like that. Stop making up stories. It may be your situation, but its not many. You should have never had kids if you are now going to play the victim and maybe your kids would be better off raised by someone else since you clearly don't enjoy parenting. I feel sorry for your kids. Do you raise them to be victims too?

I don't know any men like that. Maybe he didn't want to be involved with the kids because of you.

However, this is about OP. She posts here constantly about her absentee ex. She posts how much she hates parenting. Either this is fake or she needs to call/email him and tell him she's done being a parent and he needs to move back to the states as soon as he can to take custody.

And this poster is on here all the time with this stuff. We all know what you are.
Yeah because questioning whether the fairness of the division of labor must mean OP hates parenting.
How DARE she even suggest that the emotional and physical labor required to raise kids might actually have some tangible, measurable economic value.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child support is not payment for caring for your kids. You are not a babysitter. It is to help pay for the basics.

No, but if it means i am using my sick pay, taking time off for kid stuff, not quite able to devote 100% to job like other parent is, that is a measurable negative economic effect.

Yes, you are right. The system, however, does not care about this because it believes that one parent (usually the woman) should provide all the resources to raise a child for free.

You have identified the structural sexism in our current child custody/child rearing systems. Women still do the vast amount of child reading and use sick and vacation leave to do so because we have no paid family medical leave, or we dial down our careers or leave the workforce. This in turn affects our career opportunities because we are less available for work opportunities and we are perceived as being less committed to the company and our careers. Because of that we don’t get promoted or given pay raises as much. Later in life, after the kids are raised, our lack of career success further hobbles us because we are perceived as being behind the career track because we were not capable instead of merely being unavailable. Because we have lower earnings and are less often receiving benefits, we have lower retirement resources and more often end up in poverty.

Your only way out of this is negotiating an amount above child support minimums with the non-custodial parent. Good luck with that.

I am also a parent with full custody of the kids. Right now the father of my kids is on a 6 week overseas assignment that he gave me 5 days notice about. His career is great because for the entire life of my kids, he has been able to take multiple overseas work trips for weeks at a time on short notice. My career? It collapsed because he does not provide me with the same support when I have similar opportunities.

What are you ranting about? You don't get paid to take care of your kids. You have full custody. So, since you have full custody, he can do what he wants when he wants as he doesn't have custody. That was on you for demanding full custody and not having him share custody. That is what full custody means. He is under no obligation to provide you with any support and at best, he gets some visitation.

Child support is not a salary. If you need more money, get a better job. Simple. Go back to school in a higher paying field.

We have paid family medical leave. We have paid leave. With most professional jobs you are allowed sick/annual leave and you save it for when you need it. If you choose to go on a two week vacation then need two weeks off for illness too bad.

Your assumptions are erroneous.

I did not “demand” full custody. I offered 50/50 custody, and he did not take it. He could have asked for more custody at any time over the last 15 years, but he did not and continually turned down my encouragement of a schedule that included more overnights. Only in the last couple of years did he even commit to taking custody one weekend night a week.

Many men are like this - they never take equal responsibility for child-rearing, neither inside the marriage nor outside.

The answer is not for women to dump the children on his door step. Children are not a game of ding dong ditch.

I reiterate what I said above. Our child custody and support system structurally encourages men to pay less than an equal share of what it costs to raise their children - both in money and in time. Women are penalized for this financially and socially.

Many men are NOT like that. Stop making up stories. It may be your situation, but its not many. You should have never had kids if you are now going to play the victim and maybe your kids would be better off raised by someone else since you clearly don't enjoy parenting. I feel sorry for your kids. Do you raise them to be victims too?

I don't know any men like that. Maybe he didn't want to be involved with the kids because of you.

However, this is about OP. She posts here constantly about her absentee ex. She posts how much she hates parenting. Either this is fake or she needs to call/email him and tell him she's done being a parent and he needs to move back to the states as soon as he can to take custody.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child support is not payment for caring for your kids. You are not a babysitter. It is to help pay for the basics.

No, but if it means i am using my sick pay, taking time off for kid stuff, not quite able to devote 100% to job like other parent is, that is a measurable negative economic effect.

Yes, you are right. The system, however, does not care about this because it believes that one parent (usually the woman) should provide all the resources to raise a child for free.

You have identified the structural sexism in our current child custody/child rearing systems. Women still do the vast amount of child reading and use sick and vacation leave to do so because we have no paid family medical leave, or we dial down our careers or leave the workforce. This in turn affects our career opportunities because we are less available for work opportunities and we are perceived as being less committed to the company and our careers. Because of that we don’t get promoted or given pay raises as much. Later in life, after the kids are raised, our lack of career success further hobbles us because we are perceived as being behind the career track because we were not capable instead of merely being unavailable. Because we have lower earnings and are less often receiving benefits, we have lower retirement resources and more often end up in poverty.

Your only way out of this is negotiating an amount above child support minimums with the non-custodial parent. Good luck with that.

I am also a parent with full custody of the kids. Right now the father of my kids is on a 6 week overseas assignment that he gave me 5 days notice about. His career is great because for the entire life of my kids, he has been able to take multiple overseas work trips for weeks at a time on short notice. My career? It collapsed because he does not provide me with the same support when I have similar opportunities.

What are you ranting about? You don't get paid to take care of your kids. You have full custody. So, since you have full custody, he can do what he wants when he wants as he doesn't have custody. That was on you for demanding full custody and not having him share custody. That is what full custody means. He is under no obligation to provide you with any support and at best, he gets some visitation.

Child support is not a salary. If you need more money, get a better job. Simple. Go back to school in a higher paying field.

We have paid family medical leave. We have paid leave. With most professional jobs you are allowed sick/annual leave and you save it for when you need it. If you choose to go on a two week vacation then need two weeks off for illness too bad.

Your assumptions are erroneous.

I did not “demand” full custody. I offered 50/50 custody, and he did not take it. He could have asked for more custody at any time over the last 15 years, but he did not and continually turned down my encouragement of a schedule that included more overnights. Only in the last couple of years did he even commit to taking custody one weekend night a week.

Many men are like this - they never take equal responsibility for child-rearing, neither inside the marriage nor outside.

The answer is not for women to dump the children on his door step. Children are not a game of ding dong ditch.

I reiterate what I said above. Our child custody and support system structurally encourages men to pay less than an equal share of what it costs to raise their children - both in money and in time. Women are penalized for this financially and socially.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child support is not payment for caring for your kids. You are not a babysitter. It is to help pay for the basics.

No, but if it means i am using my sick pay, taking time off for kid stuff, not quite able to devote 100% to job like other parent is, that is a measurable negative economic effect.

Yes, you are right. The system, however, does not care about this because it believes that one parent (usually the woman) should provide all the resources to raise a child for free.

You have identified the structural sexism in our current child custody/child rearing systems. Women still do the vast amount of child reading and use sick and vacation leave to do so because we have no paid family medical leave, or we dial down our careers or leave the workforce. This in turn affects our career opportunities because we are less available for work opportunities and we are perceived as being less committed to the company and our careers. Because of that we don’t get promoted or given pay raises as much. Later in life, after the kids are raised, our lack of career success further hobbles us because we are perceived as being behind the career track because we were not capable instead of merely being unavailable. Because we have lower earnings and are less often receiving benefits, we have lower retirement resources and more often end up in poverty.

Your only way out of this is negotiating an amount above child support minimums with the non-custodial parent. Good luck with that.

I am also a parent with full custody of the kids. Right now the father of my kids is on a 6 week overseas assignment that he gave me 5 days notice about. His career is great because for the entire life of my kids, he has been able to take multiple overseas work trips for weeks at a time on short notice. My career? It collapsed because he does not provide me with the same support when I have similar opportunities.

What are you ranting about? You don't get paid to take care of your kids. You have full custody. So, since you have full custody, he can do what he wants when he wants as he doesn't have custody. That was on you for demanding full custody and not having him share custody. That is what full custody means. He is under no obligation to provide you with any support and at best, he gets some visitation.

Child support is not a salary. If you need more money, get a better job. Simple. Go back to school in a higher paying field.

We have paid family medical leave. We have paid leave. With most professional jobs you are allowed sick/annual leave and you save it for when you need it. If you choose to go on a two week vacation then need two weeks off for illness too bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on the info you gave here, the va calculator says you should get $1,100

Already knew the calculator gives a pittance.
I’m not wondering what is legally mandated, I’m wondering what is fair.
X wants kids to live in a nice place, play sports, eat good food (and teens eat a lot!!) and thinks those things happen by magic.
If I picked what I would consider to be an affordable neighborhood, X would accuse me of placing the kids in danger.
I do wonder if a certain poster is familiar at all with housing costs in DC area.
It is not as if a 3 bedroom apartment or house is something every person would just easily have, unlike in rural areas where a house can be rented for 1k or less.

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on the info you gave here, the va calculator says you should get $1,100

Already knew the calculator gives a pittance.
I’m not wondering what is legally mandated, I’m wondering what is fair.
X wants kids to live in a nice place, play sports, eat good food (and teens eat a lot!!) and thinks those things happen by magic.
If I picked what I would consider to be an affordable neighborhood, X would accuse me of placing the kids in danger.
I do wonder if a certain poster is familiar at all with housing costs in DC area.
It is not as if a 3 bedroom apartment or house is something every person would just easily have, unlike in rural areas where a house can be rented for 1k or less.

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.

Not OP but you know what I had to “think through”? All the negative consequences of divorce to me and my child vs staying and continuing to be physically abused. Why should my kid have to pay for what my a-hole ex won’t fix about himself?

Anonymous wrote:Why did OP not choose to give ex-H custody? Then she would be free to start really living life. OP can tell Ex that he will be having custody starting next school year. Send kids to Dad and she will see them in summers and at Christmas.

I have been a single mom since day one and have never made more than 75K in a good year. My parents taught to budget in my teens. Time for some re-education, OP.

Also, why did you have more than one child, OP? This is the mistake of most women. Everything is manageable with one.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.

There's at least one guy on this board who always posts as if divorce is 100% the woman's fault, and that any woman with sole custody must have somehow done coersive witch magic to get it.

In my experience, it is much more common for the man to bail on the kids, at least for some short period of time. Often this happens in cycles, as his personal life waxes and wanes. So sometimes he wants the full 50% and sometimes he just kind of drops away for a while. Meanwhile, the XW has to manage the kids' feelings about their father's cyclical lack of interest, as well as doing the vast majority of the parenting.

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on the info you gave here, the va calculator says you should get $1,100

Already knew the calculator gives a pittance.
I’m not wondering what is legally mandated, I’m wondering what is fair.
X wants kids to live in a nice place, play sports, eat good food (and teens eat a lot!!) and thinks those things happen by magic.
If I picked what I would consider to be an affordable neighborhood, X would accuse me of placing the kids in danger.
I do wonder if a certain poster is familiar at all with housing costs in DC area.
It is not as if a 3 bedroom apartment or house is something every person would just easily have, unlike in rural areas where a house can be rented for 1k or less.

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on the info you gave here, the va calculator says you should get $1,100

Already knew the calculator gives a pittance.
I’m not wondering what is legally mandated, I’m wondering what is fair.
X wants kids to live in a nice place, play sports, eat good food (and teens eat a lot!!) and thinks those things happen by magic.
If I picked what I would consider to be an affordable neighborhood, X would accuse me of placing the kids in danger.
I do wonder if a certain poster is familiar at all with housing costs in DC area.
It is not as if a 3 bedroom apartment or house is something every person would just easily have, unlike in rural areas where a house can be rented for 1k or less.

Yes it is fair. And I read your other whiny post. It seems like you didn’t think through the reality of divorce and the impact on being a single parent with a single income. Child support is not meant to cover every single expense related to your children. It is a portion and you also must be contributing a portion. You can’t pretend your situation has not changed both in term so financial impact and career impact. I always warn friends who are thinking of divorce to really think it through and understand what is going to happen and what their situation will really be post divorce.