I plan to follow tradition. Pay only part of sons' weddings (rehearsal dinner and maybe booze) and the majority of DD's. The only thing that would make me change my mind is if DSs fall in love with girls from very modest backgrounds and, without our help, there wouldn't be much wedding to speak of. But otherwise I don't agree it's unfair--each couple gets a wedding.

And I definitely would not short DD downpayment help! These are different things.

We will contribute to all our children's weddings and housing, I hope. Seems like the right thing to do. Gender is immaterial.

Anonymous wrote:We only have sons. We'll offer to pay half.

I have a lovely daughter. Either of them interested? 😉

Seriously though it is something I remember discussing with my niece (my daughter is too young). If her boyfriend’s parents don’t wish to contribute to the wedding, it does say something about how traditional they are. And the question of whether she would fit in the family came up. I thought it was actually pretty insightful on her part.

Anonymous wrote:I would love an excuse to throw a big lavish friends and family party now. Thankfully DD’s happy to let that be on her wedding day. Of course her and her brothers will have our help with their first house and we’ll pitch in/pay for the sons’ weddings too.

We’re expensing the wedding as a family reunion. We’ll help the sons along future DIL’s wishes. All will get closing cost on a first house that they can get a mortgage for.

My parents gave each kid 10k as a wedding gift that we could use as we wanted… to help cover wedding expenses, to use towards a down payment, to use on a honeymoon.

100k seems kind of extravagant of a gift (but that’s besides the point) but whatever the amount is just give each kid regardless of gender the same amount and let them choose whether they want to blow it all on an extravagant party or use it for a down payment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would take this on a case by case basis, trying to be fair, but not necessarily equal. Like if we spent 50k on our daughters wedding while our son also had a 50k wedding paid for by the brides parents, I would not be giving my son 50k. In this case they both got the same wedding, which seems fair. If I give 50k to my son in this situation, he gets a 50k wedding plus 50k. On the other hand, if the brides parents did not pay, then I would offer to pay for my sons wedding. Now, say son opts to not have a wedding, I am not giving him 50k, but some lesser amount would be fair. The 50k wedding at least I get something for my money and part of the overall expense would be for me, inviting my family, friends etc

What if your daughter's in-laws also give them $50k and now the wedding costs $100k? But your son's in-laws are poor and can't spare any money. Will you give your son $100k to match your daughter's wedding?

I think one of the big discrepancies between posters is that some view weddings as a budget. You pay $X towards the wedding, and the son or daughter can choose how to spend it. The event is for the child and their soon to be spouse and they make the calls.

Some posters view the wedding as something they have a stake and interest in. They will invite people. They will enjoy it. They will help plan it. And more often than not, the mom gets a say in the daughter's wedding but not the daughter-in-law's wedding. So they justify the unequal treatment by putting value on their own participation and enjoyment and say "well it's not just for Larla."

That’s why I said case by case, fair but not necessarily equal, lol. But in your example, no I would probably not be spending 100k on my sons wedding. They still both got a wedding, it is fair enough. I have a sister and our parents paid towards both our weddings (my husbands parents chipped in too), but I have no idea if they spent the same amount. We both got a wedding, and I am not worried about everything being equal dollar for dollar. I guess I expect the same attitude from my own kids.

Anonymous wrote:After seeing a huge big fat wedding recently, we know that for our DD's wedding we will only pay for our guests, guests of our children + the nuclear family of the groom/bride(if needed). The groom and his family can pay for their side of guests. Else, you will have resentment for everything you spend on. Same goes for my DS. We get the guests, we pay.

Culturally, different families value different things. The trick is to have a frank conversation at the onset and work out the numbers with both sets of parents and bride and groom. Frankly, if the couple would rather spend their money on the honeymoon and want a backyard ceremony, I am all for it. If one set of parents want events and ceremonies they care about, then they should pay for it. And they are not obligated to invite guests from the other side.

I will pay the same for both my DS and DD. Same goes for giving help for down-payment or for looking after their children.

That is a bit of a hard line. So if the groom's family doesn't have means you are okay with not including people from your future son in law's side of the family in the celebration of the marriage of your DD? We paid for DDs wedding as the groom's family does not have a lot of money. Many friends and family of the groom attended and it was a joyful and fun event. I can't imagine telling my son in law he couldn't invite people from his side.

And based on our experience, the additional per guest charge isn't that big a factor in the overall costs. The expensive parts were things like the venue, photographer, flowers, dress, etc. Yes the catering was a big piece, but the additional cost per plate was a fraction of the total.

Of course if you have limited resources that's a different story but I would just encourage them to downscale the wedding significantly. That was not something we had to worry about.

Anonymous wrote:I would take this on a case by case basis, trying to be fair, but not necessarily equal. Like if we spent 50k on our daughters wedding while our son also had a 50k wedding paid for by the brides parents, I would not be giving my son 50k. In this case they both got the same wedding, which seems fair. If I give 50k to my son in this situation, he gets a 50k wedding plus 50k. On the other hand, if the brides parents did not pay, then I would offer to pay for my sons wedding. Now, say son opts to not have a wedding, I am not giving him 50k, but some lesser amount would be fair. The 50k wedding at least I get something for my money and part of the overall expense would be for me, inviting my family, friends etc

What if your daughter's in-laws also give them $50k and now the wedding costs $100k? But your son's in-laws are poor and can't spare any money. Will you give your son $100k to match your daughter's wedding?

I think one of the big discrepancies between posters is that some view weddings as a budget. You pay $X towards the wedding, and the son or daughter can choose how to spend it. The event is for the child and their soon to be spouse and they make the calls.

Some posters view the wedding as something they have a stake and interest in. They will invite people. They will enjoy it. They will help plan it. And more often than not, the mom gets a say in the daughter's wedding but not the daughter-in-law's wedding. So they justify the unequal treatment by putting value on their own participation and enjoyment and say "well it's not just for Larla."

I would take this on a case by case basis, trying to be fair, but not necessarily equal. Like if we spent 50k on our daughters wedding while our son also had a 50k wedding paid for by the brides parents, I would not be giving my son 50k. In this case they both got the same wedding, which seems fair. If I give 50k to my son in this situation, he gets a 50k wedding plus 50k. On the other hand, if the brides parents did not pay, then I would offer to pay for my sons wedding. Now, say son opts to not have a wedding, I am not giving him 50k, but some lesser amount would be fair. The 50k wedding at least I get something for my money and part of the overall expense would be for me, inviting my family, friends etc

Each kid gets a cash gift. If they want to spend it on a wedding, it’s up to them.

My husband and I are not traditional, lived together and co-owned property for many years before getting married, and no one paid for our wedding, nor did we expect it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

It is, but how much do you remember from your wedding? Mine was a complete blur that I’d never remember if it wasn’t for the pictures. Big weddings (at least the good ones) are all about the guests.

Anonymous wrote:Thing I am missing a wedding is not a lot of money to do.

I got married in 1998. We did a nice wedding. We kept guests to 110. We had older aunts and uncles and some couples young kids.

We did a 10 am Mass, did a catering hall near church for a 1-6 wedding.

We spent money on great food and drink, dancing. Pre wedding outside top of line food and drinks, sit down dinner. Wonderful desert selection on top of cake.

Everyone stayed to end unlike those crazy 7- midnight weddings where 1/2 folks leave.

In the end since we focused on guests, kept guest list tight we broke even.

My wife and I paid ourself but got 100 percent back in wedding day. So by not doing it would have saved zero.

That is a very transactional view of a celebration.

My FIL & MIL are paying for SIL wedding, a huge destination event, I'm pretty sure FIL even took out a 10k loan if rumors are to be believed.

My husband and I got married in his mothers backyard with 10 people, all family, no bridesmaids/groomsmen or rehearsal dinners or anything like that, we paid for it. My mother is fairly poor and my dad died years ago so no monetary help from my family at all. My MIL did have her house professionally cleaned and paid for the food (Under $200).

Same year for both weddings, all of us are about the same age, no resentment on me or husbands part about things not being "fair." I got exactly the wedding I wanted (planned in 2 weeks! we just wanted to be married) and SIL will get exactly the wedding she wants.

For us, what was important was for his grandparents to be there without inconveniencing them as they're in their 80's...we are very close with them and they live in town where we got married. We only wanted very close family there, the theatrics around everything seemed stressful and unnecessary to us, so kept it super simple and it was beautiful/perfect! A 2 week timeframe also dictated that we didn't have much choice in keeping it simple lol!

No help for us for down payment, I don't know about SIL but I don't think they've had any help either. It doesn't matter to me either way though, we're all happy and healthy and get along great so no need to "keep score."

Just give equal amounts to both OP. If you already gave DS $100K, either give DD a $50K DP and a $50K wedding, or, if you think you need a $100K wedding and need to give DD a $100K DP, gift DS another $100K.

But definitely be fair. You will create resentment between your kids if you play favorites (which is what you are doing).

Anonymous wrote:The brides family paid 100 percent daughters wedding as historically groom provided the house.

In case of my both my grandmothers they married men who were eldest sons and inherited Farm/House.

It set up their children in life.

Today we have in the case of my niece marrying a man/child in a rental with student loans. My brother was more than happy to throw even a 100k wedding is she was marrying an Investment banker with a home in Chevy Chase and pied a tier in NYC with no pre Nup.

This guy marrying his daughter deserves a value meal at McDonalds

This is extraordinarily elitist and rude. There’s so much more to life.