OP its really frustrating communication because not only does he refuse to own up to what he said/acted (denial) but passive aggressively has laid this all on you--he would have liked to spend quality time together but you are soo sensitive about his offhand comment, etc. Its the refusal to acknowledge what he said and validate your feelings that is infuriating and like gaslighting. I would say that if you wanted to save the marriage, you could try to see a counselor who specializes in communication. but this kind of behavior is deeply ingrained.

I might respond in writing.

First, what you said wasn't an offhand comment about me getting you sick. It was you treating me coldly and saying that you were angry with me because you were sick and somehow it was my fault. Colds are simply a fact of life in a family; moreover, while I was caring for you while you were sick, it never occurred to you to do the same for me, so it was especially galling to be blamed. Im further angry and disappointed by your refusal to acknowledge that you did blame me and your subsequent backtracking--saying you merely "commented' that you got sick from me-- just twists the knife in further. Finally, if you were so concerned about spending quality time together before you left for the trip, you should have simply apologized, in a genuine way, for what you said. Instead you continued to blame me, this time not for making you sick but for being the reason we are not spending "quality time" together. Your inability to accept any responsibiity here is disappointing in the extreme.

Your husband sounds like a very low-quality spouse (and parent) but it sounds like you already know that. What is the point of making someone like that chicken soup? He’s obviously not going to start acting like a partner, much less an adult.

If you don’t want to leave just yet I understand (I can only imagine having to pay this loser child support) but what are you doing to be ready yourself for the day your kids are 18? What’s your plan? Because if you don’t have one, you’re going to be exactly here only 18 years older when the time comes to leave.

OP, you already wrote your own script for what to say directly to his face:

For one, you don't blame people in the same household when a cold is going around. I don't blame my child for "getting" me sick.
Two, he is an adult. If he was so concerned, he could have worn a mask around us.
Three, it's a cold. Get over yourself.
Four, the audacity and temerity to blame me and actually act rude towards me?

That's in your first post. Not reading page after page here because you did such a good job in your OP. This is your script. Did you say these exact words to his snotty face and tell him he needed to check himself and be an adult?

Anonymous wrote:We have daycare-aged kids. Kids come home sniffly with coughs, every other week.
I usually end up getting a sore throat or a little something from them. Fine. This is parenthood.

DD came home snotty a few days ago. I got a sore throat soon after but I'm on the mend. DH woke up with it today.
I was in the process of getting things together to make chicken noodle soup and to go get more meds for him.
I noticed he was giving me the cold shoulder. I asked what is wrong and why he's being short with me, seemingly rude.
He is blaming me for getting him sick ahead of an important work meeting.
"I wasn't sick until you got in bed with me last night. I don't feel well I have an important upcoming work meeting, and I'm annoyed at you about it."

I'm done. Legit done with him. For one, you don't blame people in the same household when a cold is going around. I don't blame my child for "getting" me sick.
Two, he is an adult. If he was so concerned, he could have worn a mask around us.
Three, it's a cold. Get over yourself.
Four, the audacity and temerity to blame me and actually act rude towards me?

He is an ass on so many levels and I'm so tired of it.

I could have written this post today myself. My college aged DD came home from school to get her car on Monday night and woke up Tuesday morning to a text from her roommate saying she texted positive for flu. Guess who is now also diagnosed with flu? So now of course since I picked her up and spend most of Tuesday with her, I'm also sick though I am praying it's not flu. I feel like I have a cold but that's it. My f-in husband has been on my case all day saying I should not have brought her home. Oh well you see MOST parents would bring their sick kid home if they WERE sick, not just healthy. In fact my DD's roommate went home yesterday so she could get some rest and mom's chicken soup.

I do not understand this preoccupation with getting sick. We all get sick. He's gotten sick and we've gotten sick because of him too. is it a guy thing???

Anonymous wrote:TL; DR

Both are ridiculous.

NP. Dont victim blame.

TL; DR

Both are ridiculous.

He's a loser in every way possible, and a gaslighting covert narc. Get away from him, ASAP. Or this will continue

He's totally in the wrong here, no question.

But please stop using gaslighting to mean manipulation. They aren't the same. Gaslighting would be telling you that he never said you made him sick; that in fact he was never sick so he doesn't know what you are talking about, and why are you making this up to paint him as the bad guy? Gaslighting is way more severe than 'I'm sorry but what I said wasn't that baaaaaaad.'

Anonymous wrote:OP here with update
After he blamed me for getting him sick, I basically said to him everything I wrote here- It's not my fault you are sick. How ridiculous to blame me, what are you doing about it to feel better etc.
I walked away from him obviously pissed off and I've been working in the spare bedroom since then. We haven't seen or spoken since this morning. He just texted me: "where did you go? sorry for saying you got me sick. i didnt expect you to get so sensitive and ignore me for the rest of the day. would have liked to spend a little time together before i leave for my work trip. oh well."

I do not know the exact psychological definition, but I feel like he is gaslighting me. Is it a stretch to call it emotional bullying or abuse?

I find this so outrageous... "i didnt expect YOU to get so sensitive and IGNORE me"

I want to say to him- funny, i didnt expect you to be so unreasonable and obnoxious. not only did you blame me for your being sick, but now you are also blaming me for being sensitive, ignoring you

I am so unhappy

You have a spare bedroom. Use it until he figures out that’s where he should have slept.

Anonymous wrote:We have daycare-aged kids. Kids come home sniffly with coughs, every other week.
I usually end up getting a sore throat or a little something from them. Fine. This is parenthood.

DD came home snotty a few days ago. I got a sore throat soon after but I'm on the mend. DH woke up with it today.
I was in the process of getting things together to make chicken noodle soup and to go get more meds for him.
I noticed he was giving me the cold shoulder. I asked what is wrong and why he's being short with me, seemingly rude.
He is blaming me for getting him sick ahead of an important work meeting.
"I wasn't sick until you got in bed with me last night. I don't feel well I have an important upcoming work meeting, and I'm annoyed at you about it."

I'm done. Legit done with him. For one, you don't blame people in the same household when a cold is going around. I don't blame my child for "getting" me sick.
Two, he is an adult. If he was so concerned, he could have worn a mask around us.
Three, it's a cold. Get over yourself.
Four, the audacity and temerity to blame me and actually act rude towards me?

He is an ass on so many levels and I'm so tired of it.

1) this dude seems really stupid about how colds/viruses spread. He probably had it long before it showed up this morning and didnt set in over 6 hours
2) Why didn't his lazy self sleep on the couch if youre so infectious? He expects the sick person to do what? Pull up a sleeping bag and sleep in the garage?

What a selfish little manbaby. No more making him soup or getting him medicine or anything! Take yourself out for a mani pedi and get some chinese takeout tonight and enjoy with the kids in front of the TV. Leave his lazy self to figure it out on his own, since he sees you as such a pest!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sometimes when my DH gets going I will stop him and say "You are making this much worse. An apology ends with the "I'm sorry". If you add "but I..." to it you may as well NOT SAY ANYTHING"

It's taken him years to understand. And he's generally a good guy. He's much better now, but it's still like he's emotionally damaged and can't ever let the words "I'm sorry" out of his mouth. It's insane to me.

I swear learning to say "I'm sorry I was a jerk" and just leave it at that is a HUGE life skill many people don't learn. I am a jerk to him sometimes, and I try to apologize. Half the time he says "you don't need to apologize" but yes I DO NEED TO. Bc that's what you do when you are a jerk. Try it sometime. AHEM.

Op here, I like this. It's a good idea.
At this moment I just don't have the energy or desire to care anymore. I don't feel sad or bad that we didn't get to spend the morning together.
I just want him to leave on the trip so I can breathe. Feel free, like myself, at ease. I feel drained around him.

Wow you are always walking on eggshells and you can't be yourself. Sounds like my ex who was a covert Narcissist.

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

Time for your exit. Staying “for the kids” means they’ll see all the gaslighting and immature behavior as an example of how to grow up and how to treat your spouse. It’s not a great model. I highly suggest you divorce.

Anonymous wrote:OP is suppose to be the "breadwinner" of this family. Her "husband" is a loser who's working, and crying for her "forgiveness". Yet, she has time throughout a Thursday to update her "situation" on DC Urban Mom.

Right.

OP: Stop playing the victim. Grow up.

You’re here too. I assume you aren’t a breadwinner?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Amazingly, it's getting worse.

He keeps going: "Am i expected to filter myself at all times to only say things that I am sure you can comfortably handle hearing? Because if so, that feels obnoxiously fragile and weak. Do you really think I am accusing you of intentionally getting me sick?"

And he has a job? Who hired this idiot? He must be really good at something to put up with him.

OP is suppose to be the "breadwinner" of this family. Her "husband" is a loser who's working, and crying for her "forgiveness". Yet, she has time throughout a Thursday to update her "situation" on DC Urban Mom.

Right.

OP: Stop playing the victim. Grow up.