I know this sounds crazy but if you are already 35 or so and don’t think you’ll find someone new soon consider having a baby on your own (unless you never want to be a mother of course).
You’ll never be bored or lonely, you will be BUSY - and your sister will be calling YOU.

Your sister gave valid reasons for what's going on and you blew her off about it. Its not all about you.

I don’t think you’re being too clingy. But their availability changed when school started bad prob not with a good heads up. Fall is a good time to sort yourself. Maybe take the extra free time to grieve your relationship, explore DC, figure out what will help you feel more whole. Then see if it’s here, NYC, or another place. Call your sis occasionally and stay connected. She’ll be there as she can. She asked you here in love.

Anonymous wrote:I was in NYC for 10 years, sister in DC.
A relationship that I thought was headed to marriage ended and I hated my job. My sister suggested I relocate to DC for a change of pace, saying basically, "We'll be right down the street, can hang out all the time, it'll be great." I was so lonely and adrift after the breakup (mutual but we were together 10 years and lived together for six) that I was so eager to feel part of a family again. I said OK.
I visited a few times, looked at apartments with her, and decided to go for it. I knew if nothing else I'd have my sister and her family (husband and two kids) nearby, and I have some college friends there too. I can WFH thanks to COVID indefinitely with my current job so finally in June I just said screw it, I'm going to try something new and I moved to DC -- my sister lives in a town outside the city but close in on the subway.
We looked for apartments together one more time, I signed a lease, and here I am.
During the summer I hung out a lot at my sister's...she would have me for dinner a lot, I'd hang out and watch TV with them or play with my nieces.
Now, three months into my being here, I feel like she's ghosting me.

I ask to come over for dinner and she says they're busy. The kids seem to have stuff every night of the week which seems crazy but OK. I asked to work from her house sometimes because my apartment is so quiet and I'm lonely...like really lonely without my ex of 10 years...and she said sure, so I had been working there, but then she said that her husband's work schedule was ramping up and he'd be on calls a lot so I should plan to work from my own apartment more (even though I work on the other side of the house). Then this Sunday on my weekly chat with my parents, my mom said...maybe after a glass of wine, cannot tell...that I really need to give my sister more breathing room because "you know, she has a family." As if I am a nobody without a "Family" so cannot possibly have needs.

I don't know why the hell my sister told me to move here. My mom's comment has upset me so much. I feel so alone. I am so mad at my sister. Any ideas... thanks dcum.

OP they are talking about BOUNDARIES. You need to be able to handle working in your own home and finding people to eat with besides your sister. You cannot make someone else responsible for YOUR happiness. My mother tried to do this to me. The more I did, the more she wanted and then she freaked out when we set boundaries. She finally got treatment for her depression and anxiety and has a more well-rounded life with FRIENDS.

OP, you sound depressed. Get help. Your sister wants to be PART of your support network, not your entire support network. You need friends and a life outside of her too. Look into meetup groups. Get connected. You are too enmeshed and taking everything personally.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd call my sister and tell her all this. I'd tell her I didn't realize I had become such a burden to her and was interrupting her life with her family so much. I was hoping to have some support from my sister as this is a particularly hard time. I get it if you can't do that anymore, but it would have been better if you had told me that yourself instead of running to mom to do your dirty work.
I may or may not give her a chance to explain herself. I may just hang up.

Then I'd ghost her.

I'd also skip the next 2 Sunday calls from your parents


Sign up for all the things that you have wanted to do, Be the fabulous person you are. If you don't like DC enough to stay move back to NYC or somewhere else.
.

Please grow up.

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, really sounds like you—a single person with no kids who trolls parenting sites on weekends—has a really enviable, “fabulous” life. Also sounds like OP—who can’t even work from home by herself—has the capacity to build a really “fabulous” life without her family.

Ignore this atypically mean-spirited, arrogant poster. Betcha should she get widowed/divorced/etc, she'd be the first to do these things.

OP, it hurts yes. You are justified feeling hopeless and burdensome and lonely and hurt. If I felt like I lost my sig. oth, my sis and best friend, and mother all at the same time, I may lose perspective too. You are however, MUCH STRONGER than you can see right now. Tell your sister you are incredibly grateful that she let you stay with her this summer. You are sorry you burdened her and encroached on her husband's work environment-you know what it is like to lose a man and didn't intend to put any strain on her marriage. You will try to be a better listener and pick up on her stress. Tell her that you feel especially bad that you were so absorbed in your breakup that she felt apprehensive to come you directly. Tell her she can tell you anything. Leave her a time-saving gift (a housekeeping gift card, grocery delivery gift card, an electric chopper, etc). Tell her you'll always be there for her and her kids, and that if she ever needs to crash at your place due to a gas leak, fumigation, etc she is welcome at your place. If she ever needs a favor, doing chores like vacuuming or dishes, someone to watch the kids for date night, a ride or pickup for the kids, a dinner cooked, you hope that she'll come to you first as you'd be thrilled to help out. Tell her you'll drop off a quiche so she gets a dinner off and that you'd love to invite her over either once a year at Christmas/Hannukah/Diwali/Eid/etc or once every 6 months, or whenever is a low stress time.

Then comes the hard part. It is okay to go home and have a good cry. Then take a warm shower, muster all your strength, look in the mirror and fake pulling yourself together. If you have to, imagine a tv character, friend, or makeup a confident persona. Get out and join a library or wework cooperative office space or whatever gets you through the workday. In the evening, dress up and go to every party/social/class/gym/event and send a warm hello and introduction to everyone who smiles back at you/isn't preoccupied. I have a STRONG feeling you have brighter days ahead and your sister will come around in a much kinder way once she is less exhausted. HANG IN THERE OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I'm a single site. They don't have time for you but expect you to care about their busy schedules, carpooling, lost teeth, the new teacher bay's first tooth, and endless other shit, You also get to do the bulk of caring for aging parents, which they will find fault with. Solution moves away. I mean far away and live a fabulous life, and just be too busy for them other than maybe the occasional phone call, text, card whatever you have time for.

This. Don’t you know OP, single people are considered subhuman by people who are married with kids especially under age 45-50. After that they really only care about what you can do for them and their family. Your only course of action is to move someplace fabulous where you don’t have to worry about schools, and run in their faces all the freedom you’re enjoying by not having kids right now.

Are you insane? OP's sister has welcomed her with open arms and never implied she was "subhuman". Neither did anyone here. OP tried to build her family and failed but needs to try again and quickly. Her sister is entirely irrelevant to her predicament.

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I'm a single site. They don't have time for you but expect you to care about their busy schedules, carpooling, lost teeth, the new teacher bay's first tooth, and endless other shit, You also get to do the bulk of caring for aging parents, which they will find fault with. Solution moves away. I mean far away and live a fabulous life, and just be too busy for them other than maybe the occasional phone call, text, card whatever you have time for.

Yeah, really sounds like you—a single person with no kids who trolls parenting sites on weekends—has a really enviable, “fabulous” life. Also sounds like OP—who can’t even work from home by herself—has the capacity to build a really “fabulous” life without her family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I'm a single site. They don't have time for you but expect you to care about their busy schedules, carpooling, lost teeth, the new teacher bay's first tooth, and endless other shit, You also get to do the bulk of caring for aging parents, which they will find fault with. Solution moves away. I mean far away and live a fabulous life, and just be too busy for them other than maybe the occasional phone call, text, card whatever you have time for.

This. Don’t you know OP, single people are considered subhuman by people who are married with kids especially under age 45-50. After that they really only care about what you can do for them and their family. Your only course of action is to move someplace fabulous where you don’t have to worry about schools, and run in their faces all the freedom you’re enjoying by not having kids right now.

OP’s sister did not in any way treat her as subhuman or suggest the relationship should be one sided in her direction. There is no reason for OP to move again. She just needs to focus less on her sibling and hurt feelings and more on creating a life for herself in her new home.

Your mom wasn’t saying that you are nobody without a family, or that you don’t have needs. You were hearing her words in a very self-centered way, which may be part of the problem, because you’re not tuning into why your sister might need certain boundaries (for example, maybe her husband prefers more privacy in his home during the workday, which has nothing to do with how fond he is of you). If your knee-jerk reaction is to take things personally then it makes sense that your sister would “ghost” rather than have a direct discussion with you.

Of course you have needs, and they are very real and valid and understandable, but so does your sister (and BIL) and you need to find a balance. That your first thought reaction to learning that your BIL wants his home to himself during the workday is basically “wtf, we work on opposite sides of the house” (rather than trying to understand where he’s coming from) - well, that is going to make things difficult for your sister when she needs to set a (valid) limit.

The fall schedule for kids IS busy (not “crazy”) and hosting you for dinner adds a level of effort that they might not be up
For every day. And they might just need family time, which is NOT a rejection of you, or your needs, or whatever. I love my siblings but I would need boundaries in place in a similar situation, as would my DH.

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I'm a single site. They don't have time for you but expect you to care about their busy schedules, carpooling, lost teeth, the new teacher bay's first tooth, and endless other shit, You also get to do the bulk of caring for aging parents, which they will find fault with. Solution moves away. I mean far away and live a fabulous life, and just be too busy for them other than maybe the occasional phone call, text, card whatever you have time for.

This. Don’t you know OP, single people are considered subhuman by people who are married with kids especially under age 45-50. After that they really only care about what you can do for them and their family. Your only course of action is to move someplace fabulous where you don’t have to worry about schools, and run in their faces all the freedom you’re enjoying by not having kids right now.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe look at why you didn’t have friends or a support network in NYC after living there for over 10 yrs. Was your boyfriend your only person there? Maybe look for a different job where you have to go into the office so you can make some work friends. Your sister is busy now with the school year. Her husband probably wants to walk around in his underwear. They probably do have activities almost every evening. It’s really really weird that you would want to work from her home all the time.

Why don't you have a social network of your own? Did you only spend time with your boyfriend? You need to learn how to make friends, not expect your sister to take on the role that your boyfriend played.

Anonymous wrote:So you were miserable in NYC, and now you’re miserable in DC, and that’s on…your sister?

This is going to be my sister when she moves back. Happiness is not reliant on your location.

OP you need to untangle your own depression issues and give your sister some space. That's a LOT of hanging out in a short period of time.

Also, freeze your eggs.