Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

I feel like most of the posters on here are women over 50 with limited experience before getting married and some divorced.

It's not just normal to cohabitate before marriage level commitments, it's also smart. Get all the surprises out if the way so you can have a better idea who you are dealing with. People should live together cat least a year or two before marriage.

50 year old woman here with plenty of experience with men prior to marriage; why waste the best years of your life playing house with a man without a commitment?

Um I think some people actually enjoy living with their partner and wouldn’t feel living with someone they love is “wasting their best years”

Well, that depends if they managed to get married and have kids in the end. But if they didn't, what is there to like?!

Not everyone determines sucess of a relationship based on it ending in marriage or having kids...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

I feel like most of the posters on here are women over 50 with limited experience before getting married and some divorced.

It's not just normal to cohabitate before marriage level commitments, it's also smart. Get all the surprises out if the way so you can have a better idea who you are dealing with. People should live together cat least a year or two before marriage.

50 year old woman here with plenty of experience with men prior to marriage; why waste the best years of your life playing house with a man without a commitment?

Um I think some people actually enjoy living with their partner and wouldn’t feel living with someone they love is “wasting their best years”

Well, that depends if they managed to get married and have kids in the end. But if they didn't, what is there to like?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wedding date decided and site book with deposit down. Then move in.

This exactly. Why give up your independence?

+1. Of course a man wants to live with you without committing! But you really put yourself in a bad position by cutting off your options and losing independence for a man who just wants to “try you out”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

I feel like most of the posters on here are women over 50 with limited experience before getting married and some divorced.

It's not just normal to cohabitate before marriage level commitments, it's also smart. Get all the surprises out if the way so you can have a better idea who you are dealing with. People should live together cat least a year or two before marriage.

50 year old woman here with plenty of experience with men prior to marriage; why waste the best years of your life playing house with a man without a commitment?

Um I think some people actually enjoy living with their partner and wouldn’t feel living with someone they love is “wasting their best years”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

+1. I’m 33 and this is true for me and my social circle as well. DH and I lived together for 6 years (and had a baby! and bought a house!) before we got married.

Also 33 and lived together before engagement BUT we were 23/25 when we moved in together so we weren’t at all stressed about timing. Married at 25/27. Of my peers who moved in together later (late 20s, early 30s) most got engaged or married after. I do have one friend (33) who wants to get married and lives with her BF but he is definitely pushing off engagement. In this scenario, both she and BF are bad at communicating their expectations with each other and she hasn’t made clear that she really wants to get engaged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure you have explicitly discussed getting married not like assuming that he feels the same way as you before moving in. Would also recommend discussing a timeline of when that could happen, better to be on the same page so no ones feelings get hurt

+1

I think more important that a ring or not is the why behind the ring. A ring is important because it demonstrates commitment. If you plan to spend the rest of your life with this person you owe it to yourself to have an honest and candid conversation with your partner about your feelings and expectations, and ask him about his. If you guys are on the same page then you can figure out whether or not it’s important to you to be engaged prior to move in. If you are not on the same page well… much better to know now than after playing house for 1, 2, 3 years

+100 This. My first thought when OP said “and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him” was has he said the same to you or was it literally “your lease is up and you should move in with me”. And even if he says he plans to spend the rest of his life with you, the devil can be in the details of what that looks like. There are some guys that refuse to get married before x age, say 30. I always think that has to suck if you meet him when you are both 23 and you don’t wait until you are at least 30 to be married. Some guys may want to be together, but not get married - which is fine if that’s what you want. Some people insist they have to live together before getting engaged and some people don’t want to live together until they are engaged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

+1. I’m 33 and this is true for me and my social circle as well. DH and I lived together for 6 years (and had a baby! and bought a house!) before we got married.

Having a baby is something that could be unplanned but you were able to commit to real estate before each other? You shouldn’t be giving advice on this.

We were committed to each other. We didn’t see any point in getting married, though we did later when one of us lost our health insurance. We were still saving for a down payment when we had a baby. You are aware that relationships can dissolve regardless of whether or not you’re married? It’s called divorce.

Judging by the unhappiness expressed by many married people on DCUM, I don’t think marriage is the end-all-be-all people make it out to be.

DP. If you “didn’t see any point in getting married,” then your advice by definition is going to be different than it would be for someone who DOES want to get married. That’s why OP needs to be honest with herself about what she wants. She should know herself well before she ever considers marrying anyone.

I think it is appropriate to have an adult conversation about what the two of you want but the asking for a ring thing is terrible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

I’m 35 and most people I know lived together before getting engaged. People married 20 or 40 plus years are too old to know what’s normal with our generation.

+1. I’m 33 and this is true for me and my social circle as well. DH and I lived together for 6 years (and had a baby! and bought a house!) before we got married.

Having a baby is something that could be unplanned but you were able to commit to real estate before each other? You shouldn’t be giving advice on this.

We were committed to each other. We didn’t see any point in getting married, though we did later when one of us lost our health insurance. We were still saving for a down payment when we had a baby. You are aware that relationships can dissolve regardless of whether or not you’re married? It’s called divorce.

Judging by the unhappiness expressed by many married people on DCUM, I don’t think marriage is the end-all-be-all people make it out to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

Oh my god you’re delusional. Plenty of guys move in with their girlfriends without even thinking about being married.

+1

+2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting to me that this board is very anti-living together before marriage (I have seen it before when this topic came up).

I think living together in a committed relationship is a perfectly valid and even smart thing to do, although I think it’s fair that you have a discussion about your mutual expectations.

Fwiw I lived with my spouse for a couple years before getting engaged and we have been happily married for a long time now.

I feel like most of the posters on here are women over 50 with limited experience before getting married and some divorced.

It's not just normal to cohabitate before marriage level commitments, it's also smart. Get all the surprises out if the way so you can have a better idea who you are dealing with. People should live together cat least a year or two before marriage.

50 year old woman here with plenty of experience with men prior to marriage; why waste the best years of your life playing house with a man without a commitment?

Anonymous wrote:I would extend my lease, stay over at his place as often as I'd like and see what living with him on a partial basis is like. Then if we are still together after six months, I would expect a conversation and commitment before I would move any further.

I did this because I liked having my own apartment, got engaged 9 months after dating. Married 20 + years now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wedding date decided and site book with deposit down. Then move in.

This exactly. Why give up your independence?

Why getting engaged before moving in when you don’t even know if you can live with that person? I’ve known several people who were so in love, got engaged, and then broke up after loving together when they realized they weren’t compatible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies! I will just move forward with moving in without getting engaged. That was my plan all along. I’m confident we will get engaged soon. I don’t need a ring to move in.

Good for you. At those ages, he wouldn’t ask you to move in if he wasn’t planning marriage. You’re good 👍
Come back and tell us about the proposal!

Oh my god you’re delusional. Plenty of guys move in with their girlfriends without even thinking about being married.

It’s so funny how people assume stuff like this, when it’s actually a huge gamble.

A 35 year old guy who’s been dating for a year and hasn’t decided to propose but wants to move in sounds like a guy who’s going to drag out getting married. Moving in together makes it even easier to delay. It’s kind of sad to see her moving in thinking it means she’s going to get engaged “soon” and too scared to have a conversation about what “soon” means. After 30 this attitude is stupid. (And obviously this doesn’t apply if you don’t want to get married and have kids. But for people who do, it’s just dumb to waste time and set yourself up in a very vulnerable position.)

Not true. I have known many couples who broke up after getting engaged and moving in. Many realized they weren’t compatible. I think living with someone before you get engaged is important. Spending nights at a partners place is not the same as living with them. Too many people rush into marriage. That’s probably why 50% of marriages end in divorce.

35 for a man isn’t old. If people stopped focusing on getting married by a certain age, that maybe will stop people from rushing into marriage.

My friends group all moved in with partners before getting engaged. We were engaged within a year of living together.

If a man doesn’t propose after you move in, he probably didn’t plan to proposing at all. Her demanding an engagement before moving in likely wouldn’t have worked. Many men will find this manipulative and like the woman is just fitting him in so she can get married.

We need to stop rushing into marriages. We need to take time to get to know each other and live together before knowing if you want to marry a person.

Anonymous wrote:Wedding date decided and site book with deposit down. Then move in.

This exactly. Why give up your independence?