Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.

How old are you? I assume most adults in their 30s or older don't have time for this kind of crap. A woman is allowed to invite your friends to a birthday party without inviting you. You can continue being friends with all your friends - and even her, if you want. It doesn't matter.

Np. True. But why did the friends lie and not tell her why they were busy? I think op knows she doesn't have the right to every invitation but lying is sneaky and exclusionary.

Op I would try to find another group of friends and not view them as good friends anymore. Sorry!

That's the main point right there. Most people would say, "oh sorry, but I'm doing this or that". It sounds like they all discussed not telling her which would make me dump them all.

No; it is rude to talk about events to which you are invited but other people may not be. Don’t you teach your kids that? No one did anything wrong in this scenario.

I agree. I would assume that with COVID restrictions, I didn’t make the cut for a small gathering— held by someone that I’m not very close to. So she’s not in your inner circle of friends and you’re not in hers.
I can get why this might sting, but no one did anything wrong here.
Most people would politely say that they have another commitment. Saying “I’m going to Alice’s party, did you make the cut? No?” Would potentially be deliberately hurtful and also put the host of the party in a difficult position.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

She doesn’t see you as a friend. Period.

Did you hit on her husband or something? Have a history with him? It sounds like there’s a specific reason you weren’t invited that you aren’t sharing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. Something sort of similar happened to us where a guy had 4 free tickets and there were 5 of us in the group & my husband did not make the cut. We are still friends with them but we made a note of it for interactions going forward if you know what I mean. Sorry - it sucks.

So what is this person with 4 free tickets supposed to do?

Not invite anyone?

Skip over someone but it's ok if it's not your husband?

I don't get it. I don't understand this idea that it's an insult not to be the closest person to x. I bet your husband did not consider this guy his best friend; why isn't it ok for the guy not to consider your husband his bestie? Why is that an insult?

NP. If I were the person with the tickets and genuinely wanted to include everyone, I’d suggest to the group that we buy one more ticket and split the cost 5 ways. So okay, the event is no longer totally free, but everyone pays 20% of the price of a ticket, which is still a good deal. I’ve had a similar situation come up with a group of friends, and everyone was happy to handle it this way.

I think that this would be an unrealistic solution for most events. The tickets might be insanely expensive, like Hamilton or a sports playoff, or they may be unavailable or they may have assigned seats such that the fifth ticket is nowhere near the other 4.

FTR - we don't have to speculate, it was a random Nats game. The reason it "hurt" is because we thought we were all equally good friends prior to this, so learning our ranking hurt our feelings a bit - but it's fine - we learned it / noted it/ and moved on.

In general - I do host parties, etc. and I do understand that you can't invite everyone at all times, even when you try to be inclusive, and coronavirus has even exacerbated that which sucks. I do think OP has gotten some good advice here - good luck OP!!!

The problem is your other friends responding to your invite by saying they were busy and purposefully not sharing why. I would tell them that you were not upset to not be invited (yes, this is a stretch, but you said yourself that you are not particularly close to the birthday girl) but that you wished you had not found out through your husband because that made it feel more like being excluded. “Next time you can just tell me! It’s not a big deal but I don’t like feeling like the last to know.”

I would also try to expand your social circle because this group is less static than you thought. I think many people are having to make these adjustments right now. We limited our socializing a bit more during Covid and now we are trying to branch out more. It’s not an insult to our close friends, but I think it’s good to have variety in your social life if you can. It gives you more options. I think it’s better to have a few friends from different parts of life than a lot of friends who all hang out together. It feels more stable and less vulnerable to these kinds of inclusion/exclusion dynamics.

Happened to me with ym college friend group. I know exactly which woman and man intentionally exclude me too. After that, I wasn't a friend group kind of person. 1 on 1 only please.

I have a group of female friends...they aren't my closest friends so not my main priority as far as friendships goes. Their husbands hang out on occasion and my DH doesn't find any commonalities with them. We occasionally get left out of certain things but I am often relieved because we would probably say no anyway...so no offense either way.

I do empathize with your hurt of not being invited in a gathering of just women....but now you know exactly where you stand with that one woman. Don't prioritize her and feel free to leave her out of your birthday gathering. After all, she set the tone.

She’s not digging your vibe. I’m guessing you’re not rich or important enough.

Anonymous wrote:You're in a group, but as you say, you're not especially close. On her birthday, she chose to celebrate not only with this group, but with other friends with whom she is close. And who knows, maybe she could only reserve a table for 12 outdoors at this restaurant, or some other body-count restriciton.

You aren't close. You said it yourself.

Move on with your day.

I agree with this. And have a similar friend group dynamic, OP. You keep calling these defined “groups” but this woman doesn’t feel that the “women group” is her inner circle, if that makes sense.

Anonymous wrote:I would feel hurt and singled out, and it would make me feel awkward in that group of couples moving forward.

I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t necessarily think people should have to invite someone to a party if they don’t want to for somewhat reason. But I also think you are justified in being hurt. In your shoes, I would feel particularly hurt by my other friends being cagey/awkward about the event instead of just telling you. You were going to find out eventually and the way you found out sucks.

It might be worth it to tell your other friends that in the future you’d prefer honesty. No one likes feeling lied to. If this other woman doesn’t like you, oh well (it’s probably about done hang up if hers, not something wrong with you). But you should be able to expect your other friends to be honest and kind, and lying and being cagey isn’t that. They might say they were trying to spare your feelings, but really they were just trying to avoid a hard conversation. They should be better than that.

I think I would say it when everyone is present. Tell them nicely. Tell them "no hard feelings" and its a-ok when everyone is not invited or one person is not invited. No one is owed an explanation. Only thing you would want is that since you move in the same circles that people don't make an attempt to "hide" it from you because then it becomes "weird".

Later on, you should start inviting people to your parties and exclude a few of them, without trying to hide it from anyone. This incident has given you the perfect excuse to exclude people you want to exclude.

OP,

She doesn’t see you as a friend. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks. Something sort of similar happened to us where a guy had 4 free tickets and there were 5 of us in the group & my husband did not make the cut. We are still friends with them but we made a note of it for interactions going forward if you know what I mean. Sorry - it sucks.

So what is this person with 4 free tickets supposed to do?

Not invite anyone?

Skip over someone but it's ok if it's not your husband?

I don't get it. I don't understand this idea that it's an insult not to be the closest person to x. I bet your husband did not consider this guy his best friend; why isn't it ok for the guy not to consider your husband his bestie? Why is that an insult?

NP. If I were the person with the tickets and genuinely wanted to include everyone, I’d suggest to the group that we buy one more ticket and split the cost 5 ways. So okay, the event is no longer totally free, but everyone pays 20% of the price of a ticket, which is still a good deal. I’ve had a similar situation come up with a group of friends, and everyone was happy to handle it this way.

I think that this would be an unrealistic solution for most events. The tickets might be insanely expensive, like Hamilton or a sports playoff, or they may be unavailable or they may have assigned seats such that the fifth ticket is nowhere near the other 4.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

Oh my goodness, no. This would not only ostracize her from this group, but any other would-be friends. I would avoid anyone IRL who did something like this. Totally pathetic.

+1000. As soon as I find out someone is the type of person who posts vague booking statuses to social media, I know that they are a drama queen, and to avoid them as much as possible. My only problem is not finding out soon enough.

Truly the last remaining benefit of FB is that it helps me weed out the crazy people faster.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s trying to edge you out of the group. Proceed with caution.

How old are you? I assume most adults in their 30s or older don't have time for this kind of crap. A woman is allowed to invite your friends to a birthday party without inviting you. You can continue being friends with all your friends - and even her, if you want. It doesn't matter.

Np. True. But why did the friends lie and not tell her why they were busy? I think op knows she doesn't have the right to every invitation but lying is sneaky and exclusionary.

Op I would try to find another group of friends and not view them as good friends anymore. Sorry!

That's the main point right there. Most people would say, "oh sorry, but I'm doing this or that". It sounds like they all discussed not telling her which would make me dump them all.

No; it is rude to talk about events to which you are invited but other people may not be. Don’t you teach your kids that? No one did anything wrong in this scenario.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am just not a friend group gal. I prefer seeing friends 1-1 or occasionally is a very small group. I find once the group gets larger there is always some power play, or some diva who doesn't like me or some sort of BS. I get invited to girl group stuff and usually make an excuse. I finally gave in with one group and by the second meet up sure enough there was a queen who made it ever so clear she had invited me and was not happy I had been included. No thanks. I make it clear to the ones I am friends with I am open to getting together, but I will not get together with a group of women without our husbands there. For some reason, even the divas are pleasant when the husband is there to witness.

+1 Every group of females friends I’ve ever been on the periphery of as an adult has thrown up so many red flags. Even worse when the husbands are all expected to be friends as well.

This is not my experience and makes me think the problem might be you. I'm in several different groups of girlfriends and we're all adults who care about, support each other and enjoy each other's company. Adult women who think other women are sO mUcH dRamA are usually the ones with the issue.

Hahaha, ok, thanks. Noted. FWIW, I have several very close adult female friends me who mean the world to me. It’s more the groups of 4+ women that form around kid friendships/neighborhood blocks/schools/etc. that I’ve learned to avoid. I’m glad to hear it’s not universal, though.

Love you. I am the other one who is not into large lady groups, but I do fine with female friends and forming close friendships. Your response made me laugh and it was so what i would do. Don't get noted and just be like "OK lady thanks for sharing!" I also laugh because I worked with someone who always bragged about her massive group of lady friends who meant the world to her....until she dumped them all and complained what a bunch of b&tches they were. She used to go on and on about the love and kinship they all shared and then all of sudden she sang a different tune....and obsessed about how awful they were daily.

LOL.
This was a friend of mine who invited me to a few events. I immediately knew most were not my kind of crowd and were likely backstabbers. Or drama filled. I went my own way, and was busy with my young kids at the time, and family vacations. Sure enough they all ended up being enemies though many lived nearby! When the bubble burst half lost their homes because they were so busy tapping the equity out of their homes, and buying huge suburbans they couldn't afford to impress each other. It was a sh$t show. In fact, the one snobby home decorator who asked me... then didn't take my advice invited me once again after the bubble burst to become one of the investors in her travel pyramid scheme. She never learned, but I'm glad it taught me a long time ago a person's character is very important. Avoid people who have a poor character at all costs, and learn to spot those red flags.

I think much of the time we do ignore red flags. Then say, "oh yes, should have paid attention to that."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cut them all out. Or at least put a quote up on FB talking about the situation so everyone knows you know.

Lol I hope you are joking about vague-booking.

No not joking. These are the situations FB is perfect for. That way you don’t have to actually confront anyone, everyone already knows that you know.

Oh my goodness, no. This would not only ostracize her from this group, but any other would-be friends. I would avoid anyone IRL who did something like this. Totally pathetic.

+1000. As soon as I find out someone is the type of person who posts vague booking statuses to social media, I know that they are a drama queen, and to avoid them as much as possible. My only problem is not finding out soon enough.

I don’t do this (I am not on Facebook) but this response is itself overly dramatic and severe.

I think people often post to social media out of a desire to connect and be accepted, and I think “vaguebooking” is a perfect example of this. They are having feelings and want to share them in a socially acceptable way and maybe get affirmation and validation. Is this the best way to go about that? No. But does that make their goal inherently bad or even particularly unusual? Nope.

I honestly don’t think there’s much difference between and social media post. A vague quote, a picture from your vacation, a complaint about a bad customer service experience, a baby announcement. It’s all the same. People want to be seen, heard, and acknowledged. Some is more effective that others but the desire is the same. It’s silly to criticize someone who vaguebooks as needier or more dramatic than anything else.