Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Omg. You need to be spending your money on counseling so you can learn how to communicate. Why do you just sit around passively waiting for him to decide what you’ll do?

Anonymous wrote:The whole situation is kind of a mess. Neither of you should be spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need. He (and you) shouldn’t be frequenting expensive bars and restaurants with money he is not yet making and he shouldn’t be going into debt over a ring.

I imagine it would be frustrating to see him overspending on luxury items he wants and not considering the luxury item you want. However, I think both of you need to not be spending on luxury items/experiences. Once he is making 500k he should get you that ring he can afford and he can buy the fun extras he wants.

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Anonymous wrote:My parents will pay for the wedding on whatever budget they decide. As they have not offered to pay for a honeymoon, I guess there will not be one, as he has not brought it up nor has he mentioned anything about his family contributing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like other pps I initially responded thinking he could afford a ring or that you were happy with something simple and inexpensive but that he was refusing on the basis of it being silly and superficial.

He should not be purchasing anything he can not afford right now. You should not be insisting he do that.

As I said, he will definitely make a lot more money quite soon (it’s contracted), does spend on other things he wants, and has not said anything about a small ring now with a future upgrade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!

For many women, myself included, it is a need. To me it’s symbolic of commitment, holds deep cultural meaning, and makes me feel more secure. Just because some women don’t want it, or because men don’t value it, doesn’t mean it’s not important or not valuable.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 50 and my husband is 60 and Jewish. He would have been hurt and confused if I hadn't accepted the square cut diamond engagement ring that his great grandmother smuggled from Russia. It has tremendous sentimental value to me.

Anonymous wrote:I would not marry this guy until he’s making the $500k. It’s a huge red flag that he’s spending frivolously because he may or may not make more money in the future. Way too risky, he could get hit by a bus and now you’re saddled with all his debt. And his spending habits will get even more concerning once he is making good money, you don’t want to end up 65 with no retirement because he thought the money would keep coming.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd marry someone who insisted on a ring.

But why?

I'm a NP and a woman, but I definitely agree with this sentiment. to me, somebody who insists on a ring shows that they value superficial things over other, more important things we could spend $$ on (a house, paying off loans, etc) and that doesn't line up with my values. if I was a man and my fiancee demanded a ring, I'd rethink if that's a person I want to tie my future to. (and for what it's worth, I am married and did not want a ring because I thought the money would be better spent elsewhere. my fiance really wanted to get me one, so we compromised and got a small moissanite for $300).

While I disagree wanting a ring is superficial (it can be, but not necessarily), I think a disagreement shows a lack of alignment in values that can lead to marital problems.

My xH is like this, very practical, only wanted to spend money on things like a house and save/invest the rest. Whereas I do place value on symbolic representations of our relationship such as a ring, but also things like dates, vacations, other "frivolous" things we can enjoy together. So ultimately I felt like he didn't love me because he didn't want to spend money on the things that were important to me, and he was extremely anxious that I didn't share his financial values and goals.

I'd say the bigger problem is an inability to compromise. A woman who insists on a very expensive ring that a man can't really afford is a red flag, but so is a man who refuses to buy a ring because he finds women's needs superficial. In a healthy relationship, both partners' wants and values and taken into consideration, and you compromise by finding a ring that makes both parties happy.

A ring is not a "women's need", it's simply a personal desire. Lots of us aren't interested in them at all, so don't attribute this as something all women "need". You make it sound like he thinks tampons are a frippery. Now that's a need!