Anonymous
10/15/2021 13:59
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
OP I am not going to read all the responses but I wanted to say I was in a similar situation.
The way it ended is he finally realized what his daughter was like and only pays for her college now (not too expensive in Europe).
Meanwhile we are getting divorced (for other reasons) and he barely spends on our son who he sees every weekend and therefore thinks he fulfills his fatherly obligations. He does pay child support but barely anything beyond that.
In your situation, I would come up with a total of household/shared expenses including the kid expenses and ask for half from him. The rest he can spend on his daughter.
Also you are very lucky she doesn’t visit at least.
The way it ended is he finally realized what his daughter was like and only pays for her college now (not too expensive in Europe).
Meanwhile we are getting divorced (for other reasons) and he barely spends on our son who he sees every weekend and therefore thinks he fulfills his fatherly obligations. He does pay child support but barely anything beyond that.
In your situation, I would come up with a total of household/shared expenses including the kid expenses and ask for half from him. The rest he can spend on his daughter.
Also you are very lucky she doesn’t visit at least.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 13:51
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
Why do people in relationships like this have kids? Just... why?
Anonymous
10/15/2021 13:49
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Your DH didn’t want to put a lot of effort into being a husband and father then and he doesn’t now, either. This isn’t your stepdaughter’s fault and you are blaming her so you don’t have to deal with the real issue: your DH.
Yep, this. Why would you think he would suddenly become an engaged father? He had a clear track record.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 13:40
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
OP I think DH sucks in helping out financially or even as a parent , however you have been tolerating him for a while until you realized he spent all his money on his own stuffs not the couple stuffs. The fact that he is waiting for your daughter to be older to help out, while complaining he didn’t connect with his other daughter when she was young because the mother kept her away from him is a huge red flag!
in any case it’s hard to know what is fair if you don’t answer some basic questions people have been asking.
How much do you make?
How much does it make?
How much is the mortgage? Child support? Payment to the condo?
How much is your childcare and other household expenses.
I believe that if you don’t have joint account you should have equitable expenses. Like the same percentage of your salary.
My guess is that you make more than him which is why you have not answered these questions.
Also as other people recommended you should separate what he does for his other daughter and what it does for your daughter because there are bigger issues and this is just a distraction.
Good luck!
in any case it’s hard to know what is fair if you don’t answer some basic questions people have been asking.
How much do you make?
How much does it make?
How much is the mortgage? Child support? Payment to the condo?
How much is your childcare and other household expenses.
I believe that if you don’t have joint account you should have equitable expenses. Like the same percentage of your salary.
My guess is that you make more than him which is why you have not answered these questions.
Also as other people recommended you should separate what he does for his other daughter and what it does for your daughter because there are bigger issues and this is just a distraction.
Good luck!
Anonymous
10/15/2021 13:33
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
OP- This will not end well. I had a manipulative step DD. Still a manipulative monster as an adult. Good riddance. Best thing I did was divorce him. My kids and I were and are better off away from that toxic environment. Get out now or your DD will start to feel inferior and suffer later. Your DH is spineless and his DD knows she can play him like a fiddle. RUN RUN RUN. It will only get worse.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 12:45
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Stop whining about what he spends on his other daughter. You two may well get divorced. Your child will still be his, and from the sound of this, you are going to expect him to pay up. Get past that, now. You're being unfair, you knew this going on, and its a shitty position to take versus a child. She does not see him regulalry. Come on, lady, grow up.
Then, get a joint account, again, grow on up.
Then, get a joint account, again, grow on up.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 12:28
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:You knew this about him prior to marrying and having a child with him. Therefore, you accepted the situation as is.
How could OP have known that her DH would not spend any money on their future children when they got married?
If they discussed this prior to marriage, then I would agree, but did OP say that they agreed to this arrangement prior to marriage and having their own child?
Anonymous
10/15/2021 12:16
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
You knew this about him prior to marrying and having a child with him. Therefore, you accepted the situation as is.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 11:44
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How am I expecting a man to solve my problems. My savings bailed out his construction disaster. Really should really the whole thread.
My savings and wages are paying for childcare and my child.
The question is simple is a mortgage payment an excuse for not paying childcare. For those who don't seem to understand or are disgruntled first wives how is ok to ignore obligations to one child and meet those of another.
And yes he hasn't paid for a single thing not even a diaper
OP, there is no way to answer that question without knowing more facts. For example, if my mortgage is $3,000 and my childcare is $3,000 a month and my husband and I decided that I would pay one and he would pay the other, then what's the problem?
But you're talking about a mortgage payment on a condo you don't live in, correct? So who lives there?
NO MA'M. Mortgage is a payment towards a joint ASSET. Dissolution of the marriage requires you split that. Childcare is a COST. You can pay 1500 toward each but not 3000 towards one or the other with separate accounts.
I'm the PP and I'm not sure why you're ma'aming me... OP isn't divorced. There is nothing wrong with spouses paying for things out of their separate accounts. I mean, show me the VA Code section where it says that can't be done. I'll wait.
Because you need paper trail that youve contributed- is she on the mortgage are you on the mortgage/deed? And not every place is VA. There is psychological harm in having one spouse pay for x and the other y. Its even worse in this case where the mortgage is being split by the two people and then she is the only one paying childcare costs.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 11:43
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Your DH didn’t want to put a lot of effort into being a husband and father then and he doesn’t now, either. This isn’t your stepdaughter’s fault and you are blaming her so you don’t have to deal with the real issue: your DH.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 11:36
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
I still can’t figure out if your husband lives with you and baby.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 11:34
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
It sounds like you are blaming a teen girl for poor communication with your DH around your finances and the lack of attention he pays to your daughter.
Is he not spending time with his new baby because he is constantly in Europe visiting his daughter? Doesn’t sound like it.
Is he unable to pay for his share of expenses based on both of your incomes and expenses? you haven’t told us which makes me think no.
You constantly bring up the teen girl implying that she only cares about your DH for his money. That’s not your problem. She is a child. Your DH is an adult. Get it together.
Is he not spending time with his new baby because he is constantly in Europe visiting his daughter? Doesn’t sound like it.
Is he unable to pay for his share of expenses based on both of your incomes and expenses? you haven’t told us which makes me think no.
You constantly bring up the teen girl implying that she only cares about your DH for his money. That’s not your problem. She is a child. Your DH is an adult. Get it together.
Anonymous
10/15/2021 10:57
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:It makes you uncomfortable that he spends money on his daughter when he sees her, and you've made that clear to him. But that's their relationship (and doing the bare minimum required by law is not good parenting).
Now he has a daughter with you and he's not spending extra on her - like you seem to prefer in parenting - but that makes you uncomfortable.
So your complaint with him spending money on his other daughter is not a philosophical problem with him spending money to buy affection. You don't think it's bad parenting. You just think you're in competition with her mom and anything he spends on his older daughter diminishes you somehow. Now you've set up a dynamic in your mind where your daughter is in competition with her half-sister, and even though your daughter lives with her father full time, she's somehow "losing" because you've got a ledger in your head with past shopping trips that he hasn't balanced out in DD's first 8 months of help.
Your poor husband. There's no way to win - you want him to pay for your house, not to touch your money, to pay for your DD, and to not take his older DD's calls until she swears a vow of poverty so she knows she's not as important to him anymore now that he has a "replacement DD".
PP Looks like someone "replaced" your kids Bitter Betty.
OP your DH sucks. Get a divorce. As you seem to be functioning as a single mom better to just be one. Toxic set up. His DD will always be a problem. Cut your losses.
Anonymous
10/14/2021 15:56
Subject: Re:Father's obligations towards child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Only read through page 3. Can you have him agree to set up automatic deductions from his paycheck or bank account? To take care of x% of joint mortgage, x% of daycare cost and $x in 529 every month. After that, you pay for everything. And he can blow the rest of it on his DD if he wishes.
Or you can just get divorced, which honestly may be simpler. Your step DD will have bigger expenses as she gets older (college, spring break trips to Ibiza, wedding) and if you and DH are not on the same page, it’s going to cause a lot of resentment and lead to an eventual divorce anyway. Might be simpler to bite the bullet now while your DD is a baby so she doesn’t have a combined family to miss.
This is such evil advice
What exactly is evil about it?
Anonymous
10/14/2021 14:47
Subject: Father's obligations towards child
She's a teenager. She's avoiding dad because you are not nice to her. You and he are the adults - it's on you to build the relationship with her, not expect her to do the work. She is a child. Pull it together.