Anonymous
Post 10/08/2021 00:13     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
I only communicate with 1 person in a married couple all the time. It counts for both! My DH communicates with my mom without me. Great, he can handle it.
Anonymous
Post 10/08/2021 00:06     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:There have been many posts that seem to be the MIL venting about the DIL.

Now I am a DIL with an issue. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My MIL I feel sometimes forgets that my husband is married with a wife and that she has a DIL and I exist.

Examples of this being we will be flying somewhere and she will just text my husband to have a safe flight instead despite the fact that we are both flying and texting in a group chat to both of us have a safe flight.

When we come to visit she will just text my husband saying she is looking forward to seeing him again instead of simply texting both of us which isn't hard to do and takes zero effort and saying I'm looking forward to seeing you guys.

When we get her a gift for mother's day she will just text my husband to thank him.

When we flew up for her birthday she just texted my husband it was so great to see you instead of us both again despite the fact me her DIL was present as well.

I want my husband to address this slight to his mother as it will be perceived better coming from him.


She is his mother, not yours. Your own mother can text you to have a safe flight, etc. There is ZERO slight.

Instead, if you really want to get closer to her, bring this up in conversation next time you speak to her. Tell her hey, don't be a stranger. I want to be more like pals and get texts from you from time to time too. This will come off way better than your husband bringing your perceived grievance to his mom that you are mad.


NP. Your answer would fly if the OP wasn't there. I mean how hard is it to include a DIL to s group text? It's one extra button. If you can't do something that simple for a member of your family that is feeling bothered then I don't know what to tell you.

She isn't asking to be on every text just the ones that she is involved with also. Don't know why have a safe flight is some secret thing that has to be between mother/son alone.

The whole she is is his mother not yours also doesn't fly because OP is present for the visit and not getting acknowledged as being there as a member of the family. Also it works both ways OP is kind enough to get mother's day presents for her MIL which she isn't required to do but she isn't thanked? In what world is that polite?

OP made it pretty clear that MIL just texts her son thank you with no mention of her DIL. Yes that's a slight when DIL went out of her way to give her this gift as well. MIL can just as easily text her son thank you and DIL so much for the beautiful mother's day gift. There is no acknowledgement at all even in her sole text to her son that she was happy to see her DIL who also took time out of her busy schedule to see MIL or give her a gift.

If two friends go in on a gift for you or visit you you don't just text one friend that it was nice to see them or to thank them for a gift you text both.

The literal definition of a slight is to not acknowledge someone when they do something for you which is exactly what MIL is doing when she fails to even mention DILs presents and presence.

I bet you DIL is the one who arranges all these visits as well and most likely gets all the gifts.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2021 22:06     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:There have been many posts that seem to be the MIL venting about the DIL.

Now I am a DIL with an issue. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My MIL I feel sometimes forgets that my husband is married with a wife and that she has a DIL and I exist.

Examples of this being we will be flying somewhere and she will just text my husband to have a safe flight instead despite the fact that we are both flying and texting in a group chat to both of us have a safe flight.

When we come to visit she will just text my husband saying she is looking forward to seeing him again instead of simply texting both of us which isn't hard to do and takes zero effort and saying I'm looking forward to seeing you guys.

When we get her a gift for mother's day she will just text my husband to thank him.

When we flew up for her birthday she just texted my husband it was so great to see you instead of us both again despite the fact me her DIL was present as well.

I want my husband to address this slight to his mother as it will be perceived better coming from him.


She is his mother, not yours. Your own mother can text you to have a safe flight, etc. There is ZERO slight.

Instead, if you really want to get closer to her, bring this up in conversation next time you speak to her. Tell her hey, don't be a stranger. I want to be more like pals and get texts from you from time to time too. This will come off way better than your husband bringing your perceived grievance to his mom that you are mad.
Anonymous
Post 10/07/2021 21:59     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 9years and my in-laws don't even have my cell phone number. All communication goes through their son. That's the way they want it and I don't care. I did ask for my sil's number to try and build a relationship with her. I sent her a text inviting her and her boyfriend over for dinner, which she ignored and then texted her brother (my husband) that they'd be there!!! Needless to say she cancelled an hour before the scheduled dinner because "friends were in town". I try not to be bitter but it makes me sad that family means so little to some people, especially when kids are involved.


Wow that's some next level rudeness that your in laws completely ignore your texts and then have the audacity to not only ignore it but text your husband. That's so weird since you were the one who texted them so why wouldn't they just respond directly to you?

I hate that your in laws are assholes but it makes me feel so much better about the fact that my MIL doesn't address me on texts when she reaches out because at least if I text her or another in law I will get a response.

Do you ever straight up ask them what their deal is like why they ignore your text and text your husband? That's something I couldn't just sit and wonder about. Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that I would at least have your husband address that with them.


Tell me about it. I never asked them because I felt too awkward, but my husband says "she's just very shy" and that they actually love me in their own way.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2021 18:21     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 9years and my in-laws don't even have my cell phone number. All communication goes through their son. That's the way they want it and I don't care. I did ask for my sil's number to try and build a relationship with her. I sent her a text inviting her and her boyfriend over for dinner, which she ignored and then texted her brother (my husband) that they'd be there!!! Needless to say she cancelled an hour before the scheduled dinner because "friends were in town". I try not to be bitter but it makes me sad that family means so little to some people, especially when kids are involved.


Wow that's some next level rudeness that your in laws completely ignore your texts and then have the audacity to not only ignore it but text your husband. That's so weird since you were the one who texted them so why wouldn't they just respond directly to you?

I hate that your in laws are assholes but it makes me feel so much better about the fact that my MIL doesn't address me on texts when she reaches out because at least if I text her or another in law I will get a response.

Do you ever straight up ask them what their deal is like why they ignore your text and text your husband? That's something I couldn't just sit and wonder about. Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that I would at least have your husband address that with them.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2021 12:02     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
I have been married for 9years and my in-laws don't even have my cell phone number. All communication goes through their son. That's the way they want it and I don't care. I did ask for my sil's number to try and build a relationship with her. I sent her a text inviting her and her boyfriend over for dinner, which she ignored and then texted her brother (my husband) that they'd be there!!! Needless to say she cancelled an hour before the scheduled dinner because "friends were in town". I try not to be bitter but it makes me sad that family means so little to some people, especially when kids are involved.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 14:16     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:LOL the post above reminds me of the time I asked for a pasta recipe from my MIL because her pasta she makes is so good thinking she will feel complimented and honored nope her response what sorry it's a family recipe. I always thought we had a good relationship up until that. I just looked at her crooked and told her sorry but I thought when I married your son I became a part of the family.

Now since I'm clearly not family to her I never reach out to her as family would do. If she asks for favors I just let me just and do it. Ever since then I dropped the rope with her and let me husband deal with her since I'm not family, right? Why should I do her favors like you would for family. I'm cordial to her and will speak when I see her with my husband but that's about it.


Ehh while it sucks at least I now know what her true feelings are towards me since she just outed herself with her extremely rude comment. Now it lets me off the hook for doing "family" type things for her.

Now if my own husband didn't want to share the recipe with me we would have a problem but luckily I married a man with a shiny spine who also thinks his mother was being ridiculous and he shared it with me so the jokes on her.

Wow! That sucks. I can’t believe she said it was a family recipe and refused to share


+1
So bizarre.
I would've said 'Ohh right, one of those. It tastes "unique" (with hand gesture) for sure!'
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 14:00     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:LOL the post above reminds me of the time I asked for a pasta recipe from my MIL because her pasta she makes is so good thinking she will feel complimented and honored nope her response what sorry it's a family recipe. I always thought we had a good relationship up until that. I just looked at her crooked and told her sorry but I thought when I married your son I became a part of the family.

Now since I'm clearly not family to her I never reach out to her as family would do. If she asks for favors I just let me just and do it. Ever since then I dropped the rope with her and let me husband deal with her since I'm not family, right? Why should I do her favors like you would for family. I'm cordial to her and will speak when I see her with my husband but that's about it.


Wow! That sucks. I can’t believe she said it was a family recipe and refused to share


+1
So bizarre.
I would've said 'Ohh right, one of those. It tastes "unique" (with hand gesture) for sure!'
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 13:09     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:LOL the post above reminds me of the time I asked for a pasta recipe from my MIL because her pasta she makes is so good thinking she will feel complimented and honored nope her response what sorry it's a family recipe. I always thought we had a good relationship up until that. I just looked at her crooked and told her sorry but I thought when I married your son I became a part of the family.

Now since I'm clearly not family to her I never reach out to her as family would do. If she asks for favors I just let me just and do it. Ever since then I dropped the rope with her and let me husband deal with her since I'm not family, right? Why should I do her favors like you would for family. I'm cordial to her and will speak when I see her with my husband but that's about it.


Wow! That sucks. I can’t believe she said it was a family recipe and refused to share
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 11:02     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Do your mom and dad include DH on their texts to you? Assuming not, why would you expect your MIL to include you on texts to her son? I have both sons and daughters and would find it very bizarre if either of their spouses felt I couldn’t coordinate plans or share a thank you with my child without it somehow being an insult to them or an exchange needing their supervision.


Because in general jf you know someone else went in on a gift and helped pick it out or took vacation time or time out of their busy life to visit you that should be acknowledged and thank especially for a family member like a DIL.

If I got a wedding gift or a birthday gift from a couple and I knew it was from both of them I wouldn't thank just one I would be sure to thank both members of the couple. Same if both people in a couple took time out to visit me. I wouldn't just tell one it was great seeing them because by not saying or acknowledging it was good to see the other one what is that implying.

If I was visiting my in laws and I got home either I would text my MIL and say that it was great seeing her and my FIL or I would add them both in the text. I wouldn't just text my MIL and say it was great to see her and ignore her husband.

Reading comprehension people.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 10:58     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:Do your mom and dad include DH on their texts to you? Assuming not, why would you expect your MIL to include you on texts to her son? I have both sons and daughters and would find it very bizarre if either of their spouses felt I couldn’t coordinate plans or share a thank you with my child without it somehow being an insult to them or an exchange needing their supervision.


It's not about supervision. I don't know why people keeping saying that. The OP didn't say she expected to be included on EVERY text between her husband and his mother. Just the ones that are pertaining to her in cases such as when she also went in on a gift for her MIL too for Mother's day or something. Or cases where they both went to visit. Why would you just text your child thank you for the gift instead of just adding your DIL as well in the text and just saying hey guys thank you for the gift. Or adding the DIL in the text if she was there for the visit as well saying it was nice to see you guys.

By just texting one person it seems like MIL isn't acknowledging that her DIL as well helped with the gift and she does deserve to be thanked or that it wasn't good to see DIL or that MIL didn't care that she was there for the visit. It's the silence that speaks volumes.

Now it would be different if she just texted her son alone and said hey it was great seeing you guys love you both and can't wait to see you and DIL again. Or hey I want to thank you guys for the gift the flowers are lovely and they look beautiful.

Unless I read the OP wrong I got the impression that it was more of MIL texting her son alone and just wording it as she was solely thanking him for coming and him for the gift and not acknowledging her DIL's presence and presents haha at all.

OP feel free to correct me if I misinterpreted that.

Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 10:48     Subject: I'm non existent in MIL's world
Do your mom and dad include DH on their texts to you? Assuming not, why would you expect your MIL to include you on texts to her son? I have both sons and daughters and would find it very bizarre if either of their spouses felt I couldn’t coordinate plans or share a thank you with my child without it somehow being an insult to them or an exchange needing their supervision.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 10:09     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:LOL the post above reminds me of the time I asked for a pasta recipe from my MIL because her pasta she makes is so good thinking she will feel complimented and honored nope her response what sorry it's a family recipe. I always thought we had a good relationship up until that. I just looked at her crooked and told her sorry but I thought when I married your son I became a part of the family.

Now since I'm clearly not family to her I never reach out to her as family would do. If she asks for favors I just let me just and do it. Ever since then I dropped the rope with her and let me husband deal with her since I'm not family, right? Why should I do her favors like you would for family. I'm cordial to her and will speak when I see her with my husband but that's about it.


Now if she asks for a favor I just let my husband do it*
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 10:07     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
LOL the post above reminds me of the time I asked for a pasta recipe from my MIL because her pasta she makes is so good thinking she will feel complimented and honored nope her response what sorry it's a family recipe. I always thought we had a good relationship up until that. I just looked at her crooked and told her sorry but I thought when I married your son I became a part of the family.

Now since I'm clearly not family to her I never reach out to her as family would do. If she asks for favors I just let me just and do it. Ever since then I dropped the rope with her and let me husband deal with her since I'm not family, right? Why should I do her favors like you would for family. I'm cordial to her and will speak when I see her with my husband but that's about it.
Anonymous
Post 10/02/2021 07:27     Subject: Re:I'm non existent in MIL's world
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL texts me very rarely (think birthdays, or something major like I’m about to go in for a c-section). She and DH text daily. It never occurred to me to find this setup odd or disrespectful in any way. Some people are more communicative/overtly affectionate than others. My advice is to give your MIL the benefit of the doubt here.


NP. DAILY Jesus what could your mother in law and husband have to talk about daily? That seems like a lot of communication. Is MIL overly attached or overbearing with your husband in other areas as well?


Not overbearing or overly attached from my perspective, but then I’m in contact with my mom daily too.


What do they talk about?


“oh no the toddler just pooped on the kitchen floor”

“what does my sister want for her birthday?”

“how did Aunt Julie’s surgery go?”

“look at this picture of cardinals in my yard!”

“DW says can you send the recipe for your green beans”

“here’s a cute picture of my kids”

“Check out this article from the Post, wdyt?”

This seems normal.