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Anonymous wrote:Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

This is why second marriages fail. If he repeatedly disappoints his new wife and doesn’t show up for her as a husband and father to their kids together, she’s going to leave in most cases. There won’t be enough good will for her to stick it out as he gets old and sick. That’s human nature.

There's just not enough dad time and energy (and often, money) to go around. He agreed to the new kids so that he could have the new wife, and he genuinely loves them and her and wants them to be happy. But he didn't actually want to start over with parenting. Nor did he want to disappoint his original children by not spending time with them and the grandchildren. He's always going to feel caught in between-- but of course, he did this to himself. Ultimately he will choose new wife because she's his caregiver, and new kids because they are little, and the older kids will drift away. Remarriages with kids can only function if the older set of kids fades out.

Agree. Dad typically has to choose. A new, younger wife isn’t going to stick it out if he’s not fully committed to the family they start together. At some point she’s either going to be happy she married a loving, supportive husband who’s a good provider and father to their children, or she’s going to see she married an old man who’s spread too thin and does nothing for her and the resentment becomes too much and she leaves.

Or she stupidly thinks that the ACOD will always be as low-maintenance as they are in college and their 20s. But time passes, life twists and turns, and soon the ACOD have children of their own, health problems, any number of things that a good father would want to help them with. But he, and she, stupidly failed to foresee this, so they can't keep up with it. Even as the new wife complains that the ACOD don't care about her babies, the grandkids won't get as much grandparent time as they would have without her complicating things.

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Anonymous wrote:It’s very sad to see all these second wives waving their superiority over the first wife. The point of the OP, and many others, is that kids from the first family wind up with short shrift, and as the father redirects his love and attention, the kids are shut out.

I’ve heard fathers say: I messed up before and I’m going to get it right this time. The first set of kids are a reminder of the father’s faults and easier to drop than face.
This is not the children’s fault. Stop glowing over their misfortune.
To say it doesn’t/shouldn’t matter to them shows a level of self-centeredness that negates your credibility on everything else. They are still his kids.

In circumstances where the second wife shows some genuine heart toward the children from the previous marriage, even adult children, things are likely to go a whole lot better.

It’s interesting you blame the dad and wife. What about when the mom cheats and is to blame? She leaves with her ap and has her ap replace dad.

You missed the point again.
This is about an adult child wanting a solid and mutual relationship with her father. Her mother is dead. She is grappling with her feelings. That’s human for a person with some compassion.

She just does not get that it is her H’s responsibility to create a relatively with his children. No matter what the ex-W did a good father would move mountains to get custody, have time, create a relationship.

It’s never too late, if he really cared he would reach out now and get the family counseling needed to fix the damage he did when they were children.

But again, that would take time and money from her family so she won’t support it.

How do you propose that happens during their childhood that the mother refuses contact - no phone calls, emails or visits? What do you do when the police and court refuse to help?

It's not his responsibility to fix the damage done by their mother. It's hers but she doesn't care about anyone but herself. He's not chasing adult children down to beg for a relationship.

You really don't get it.

If you fly cross country to see your kids and ex-wife says no, what do you do? You call the police who say they will not get involved. You file in court, which is court fees, attorney fees, more flights, judge says to mom follow the order, she agrees, then 10 minutes after the hearing she refuses to let Dad see the kids. Repeat a dozen times. This all on an enlisted military salary?

Not all mom's are good people. You give her a free pass and blame him. She cheated. She moved the kids cross country. She refused visits and contact. She refused to spend teh child support, alimony and all the extra money he sent for specific things for the kids on the kids. And, yet, he's to blame? Your view point is really messed up.

Ignore them PP we know the truth. And we have seen the damage these deadbeat first wives do. And yes it's now our kids turn. Your kids had their time. Move on along.
And yes I said that. Fitst wives are crying because their leverage was using their kids to manipulate the situation. Then dad had another family a real one. Game over. Now pay for your adult kids to go to therapy. Have a great weekend.

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

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Anonymous wrote:It’s very sad to see all these second wives waving their superiority over the first wife. The point of the OP, and many others, is that kids from the first family wind up with short shrift, and as the father redirects his love and attention, the kids are shut out.

I’ve heard fathers say: I messed up before and I’m going to get it right this time. The first set of kids are a reminder of the father’s faults and easier to drop than face.
This is not the children’s fault. Stop glowing over their misfortune.
To say it doesn’t/shouldn’t matter to them shows a level of self-centeredness that negates your credibility on everything else. They are still his kids.

In circumstances where the second wife shows some genuine heart toward the children from the previous marriage, even adult children, things are likely to go a whole lot better.

It’s interesting you blame the dad and wife. What about when the mom cheats and is to blame? She leaves with her ap and has her ap replace dad.

The children are not to blame for the mom cheating. The mom is not to blame for dad being too lazy or unwilling to get 50/50 custody. It is illegal to leave the house let alone the state let alone the country. A man who does not have 50/50 custody did not care enough to get it, even if he is deployed. There are laws to protect deployed soldiers. You can't just up and leave while someone is deployed.

In what dream world are you living in. Many dad's try but every state and every judge does things differently and often it's not 50-50. Many dad's want their kids and want to parent. Many dad, especially enlisted military cannot afford expensive drawn out attorney battles. If a mom doesn't want the dad to see the kids, there are few things a judge will do except in a rare situation. And, at some point, it's not healthy for the dad to continue to fight as mom will take it out on the kids.

Kids cannot complain if they or the mom choose not to have dad in their life. If mom's just want the child support and refuse visitation, sometimes that's the best dad can do. That doesn't make him a bad father. After so many court hearings and exhausting every dime you have, what then? Mom's get free support for child support but there is no free support or an office to go to and if Mom moved the kids out of the state, Dad then has to fly out for every court hearing and even to file which is expensive.

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Anonymous wrote:Always feel relieved that my husband and I both agreed to get fixed when we had our last kid. No matter what happens our kids will not be second fiddle.

My spouse and I agree our two kids are the only ones we want. And it’s laughable to us the men that start an entirely family once their first set of kids reach college. Ohmygod hell no! We are 3 years to empty nest and have all kinds of trips and fun plans lined up. He also got a vasectomy.

Blended family drama - no thanks. And having to go back to preschool, and teacher conferences and kids sports and busy weekends and worry …no way!

So, you think its ok women move on and get remarried and have more kids but men should just stay divorced and hand over their entire check to their ex?

We expire. It’s about more kids not a new wife. Please do find a nice lady to be a third parent - I’m tired AF. But nobody wants to be baby-trapped, even if you’re done with your first wife.

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Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Oh, honey, no.

Anonymous wrote:Second wife whose step kids had no relationship with new siblings. This was their choice.
Let me say whilst it may have bothered me then in the long run I'm relieved. I'm grateful my kids were saved from their bad influence. Their mom and I have different ways of parenting and their life choices are not for me ie girls dating from age 12, staying in hotels with bfs from age 16.
I didn't want my daughters exposed to this and thank fully we were spared.

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Anonymous wrote:All these 2nd wives have no idea that if they die 1st their money will go to the adult children from his 1st marriage and only a portion will go to their own child.

Why would you assume that?

so you are cool with your retirement going to his kids if you die early due to cancer. All that money goes to your H, then passes to all his heirs.

That is what you want for your child? To share the money you earned your whole life to go to kids from his 1st marriage?

I have an estate plan. 66% goes into a self executing trust for my kids and 33% goes to my spouse. I sought legal help before we ever got married. My brother not my spouse is the executor of my trust for my kids. DH pays for our lifestyle though I also work. If he was saddled with lifetime alimony I never would have married him. If he stops being an attentive husband and father I’m out.

So your money goes to your kids and his money goes to all his kids.

That is exactly what people are saying.

The adult children should still get a portion of the h’s inheritance.

So if he dies, he did the same 66% goes to the kids and 30% to you?

I assume if he dies in that scenario the 66% would be divided among all his kids from both marriages, plus I would hope it would be less than 66% as we have young kids I need to raise and put through college. No matter what he does, I’ll be okay as I save all my earned income between my 401k, kids college accounts, and my brokerage account. It has to be this way. I have young kids and marrying him was a big risk.

You should have a life insurance policy to help raise your children. Have you not done that?

Sure but it’s something he controls. I control my income and I save it. It doesn’t matter that much in the scheme of things as he has plenty and can afford to fund our entire lifestyle and he does. I work for peace of mind.

So we agree his kids should get even amount of money should he die.

Why do you think kids are entitled to inheritance? Get a job and earn your own money.

You’re dead. Who do you think should get the money when he dies after you? The cat? A church? Only your kid?

Who knows who will die first or even if there will be any money? But, yes, our kids. If they are the ones taking care of us in our old age, they deserve it.

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

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Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

How does it not:
-additional heirs to your dad's estate, reducing your future share
-future estate also reduced by the education, college and overall cost of those children-- this affects grandchildren too since there will be more of them
-possible total disinheritance if the 2nd wive comes sole heir after he passes
-kids who may have better lives than you ever did bc he is wealthier now and also more available
-reduced loyalty since you are "done"
-dividing up the holidays
-stigma and reduced ability to attract desirable mate since one's parents are no longer married to each other
-graduations and weddings become occasions where you have to keep mom and step mom away from each other

It truly sucks.

But one very big plus is he has a younger wife to care for him when he’s old and dying so it’s not your responsibility.

Sometimes it goes that way, other times they divorce and the first marriage kids are left to do the eldercare with a significantly reduced estate. It sucks.

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Anonymous wrote:Always feel relieved that my husband and I both agreed to get fixed when we had our last kid. No matter what happens our kids will not be second fiddle.

My spouse and I agree our two kids are the only ones we want. And it’s laughable to us the men that start an entirely family once their first set of kids reach college. Ohmygod hell no! We are 3 years to empty nest and have all kinds of trips and fun plans lined up. He also got a vasectomy.

Blended family drama - no thanks. And having to go back to preschool, and teacher conferences and kids sports and busy weekends and worry …no way!

So, you think its ok women move on and get remarried and have more kids but men should just stay divorced and hand over their entire check to their ex?