Anonymous wrote:Moving to SF might be the right move. But, it was very disrespectful of their marriage not to even talk about it. Not to mention the LA offer. You together might have come to the decision that the job sucked or wouldn't provide enough or that Toby was so happy at the job it was worth it. But, he didn't trust Kate enough to talk to her or didn't think he had to run it buy her. Just like he didn't ask her if she wanted to walk. Or what she wanted to do.

I am pretty sure he took the SF job without asking her, too.

It is clear that Toby loves his family and is doing this to help them. He talks about them and everyone at work knows about them. BUT, he is not seeing how other actions (taking work calls all the time, not being able.to be at certain things because of work, leaving her so many times at the party) feel very selfish.

As for the weight, they totally covered the why - Jack died, Kate gave up on herself because she lost her biggest supporter..she got into an abusive relationship and got pregnant and had to have an abortion by herself. She then lived in the shadow of her.siblings who were succeeding. It took her 40 years but she is finally doing things for her. And Toby should be her biggest supporter in that and instead is ignoring those things because "he is sacrificing so much"

Anonymous wrote:Moving to SF might be the right move. But, it was very disrespectful of their marriage not to even talk about it. Not to mention the LA offer. You together might have come to the decision that the job sucked or wouldn't provide enough or that Toby was so happy at the job it was worth it. But, he didn't trust Kate enough to talk to her or didn't think he had to run it buy her. Just like he didn't ask her if she wanted to walk. Or what she wanted to do.

I am pretty sure he took the SF job without asking her, too.

It is clear that Toby loves his family and is doing this to help them. He talks about them and everyone at work knows about them. BUT, he is not seeing how other actions (taking work calls all the time, not being able.to be at certain things because of work, leaving her so many times at the party) feel very selfish.

As for the weight, they totally covered the why - Jack died, Kate gave up on herself because she lost her biggest supporter..she got into an abusive relationship and got pregnant and had to have an abortion by herself. She then lived in the shadow of her.siblings who were succeeding. It took her 40 years but she is finally doing things for her. And Toby should be her biggest supporter in that and instead is ignoring those things because "he is sacrificing so much"

quote]Why did she wind up not going there?

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Anonymous wrote:The problem was that Toby didn't consult Kate about anything. He didn't tell her he had been offered the job in LA before turning it down. When she finds out about it, he doesn't want to tell her what the salary was. Maybe it was for a lot less, but maybe it was for less, but not so much less than when you take cost of living in LA vs SF into account the choice was very clear cut.

He takes her to see a house and says she has to decide to buy it the day after tomorrow. It's the third time he's seen the house. He's already applied for a loan. He hasn't discussed any of this with her. Maybe Kate might want to check out other houses and neighborhoods to see what she likes. Has he figured out where the closest good school for the blind is, what transportation would be involved, good daycare and schools for Haley, parks and playgrounds, etc.? Even long distance, you'd think he'd at least he'd have discussed the possibility of moving to SF with Kate and she would have spent some time researching this sort of thing.

He calls a Lyft without asking Kate if she wants to walk.

He can't come meet her at the airport because he's on a call. He takes a call when they go for a walk. He has to take a call in the morning. But he gets mad at Kate for calling the kids when they go for a walk!

It's not just the healthy lifestyle--it's ditching Kate at the party to discuss a pick for a fantasy football team;telling her waht she should talk about with his co-workers at the cocktail party, making reservations at very pricey, trendy restaurants--again without consulting Kate; buying expensive champagne, etc.

Yes! All of this!

Toby is a walking red flag with his behavior. He has not put her first since he took this job. He couldn't even have a nice weekend with her - only wanted to do it on his terms. He also seems "manic" almost. Perhaps the green egg sends him in a spiral down. Ugh, will be tough to watch.

+1

Toby, for a while now, has been living as if part of his mind sees himself as single. No need to consult on anything. His defensive "You want NUMBERS?!" at Kate, rather than just telling her the salary he'd been offered, was something I wish Kate had called him out on more strongly -- it's so transparent that he hadn't gotten his story straight on what he'd tell her about this job offer. If it was really a poor offer as he said, why not just tell her salary? The list above where PP notes the many ways he was either ignoring her (calls, calls, calls; fantasy football; dictating conversational topics etc.) plus how he was making choices for both of them, was all way beyond the pale. Someone said here that she wants to be together but only on her terms and i don't see that -- I see Toby acting like he's basically single, not her partner. Giving her the "if we want to be a family that has to happen in SF" ultimatum? Wow. I'd leave him too.

He’s probably making at least two to three times more than Kate as a TA. This is pretty simple to me. If he goes to SF and it’s a good fit, then Kate needs to move to SF. And yes, it almost always comes down to money.

Did Toby find this thread?

How do you defend his not being willing to tell Kate the salary for the LA job he rejected, then, if it was a no-brainer for him to reject it? Why be so resistant to telling his wife about the offer in the first place, much less telling her the salary? And "kate needs to move to SF" sounds exactly like the ultimatum he gave her. I'm really surprised at people defending him when he is doing things most of us would find very problematic in real relationships, like starting the process to buy a specific house without telling her. He is not a partner any more, but she's supposed to do what he dictates she do, and move to SF, to be with someone who does not consult her on the most basic choices like jobs and houses?

No, I’m not Toby. And he did explain it wasn’t just about the money, it was how he felt with the job, fitting in. Kate never expressed that regarding her job. And I’m sure she could get a musical TA in SF. Did she think they were going to live apart forever?

Anonymous wrote:17 year old Kate was accepted to Berklee School of Music, so Kate is definitely talented. That's a tough admit. She doesn't have a degree in music, but she can play the piano and sing.

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Anonymous wrote:Toby gets butt hurt about Kevin being there for Kate, but sure doesn’t mind his financial support!

I'm not sure that's true. Remember the episodes where Kevin would offer to pay for things and Toby refused, but Kevin kept insisting? I think it might have been after Toby lost his job. I'm not sure that Toby was ever ok taking Kevin's money.

+1 And pretty sure Kevin is living in the small LA house rent free.

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Anonymous wrote:Toby gets butt hurt about Kevin being there for Kate, but sure doesn’t mind his financial support!

I'm not sure that's true. Remember the episodes where Kevin would offer to pay for things and Toby refused, but Kevin kept insisting? I think it might have been after Toby lost his job. I'm not sure that Toby was ever ok taking Kevin's money.

Anonymous wrote:The problem, if there is one, of exploring the pain and issues of a TV character’s weight gain and personal struggles of being that dangerously obese is that the actual actress is that overweight in real life. I know actors dig deep all the time, but it seems as if this would strike too close to home to the actress herself and that we, as the audience, would be wondering about her, instead of the character. It’s not one of those fairy tales stories where, at the end of the day, the character becomes thin and lived happily ever after. The actress decided, for whatever reason, NOT to lose the weight to make that story line happen (as if her right). So, I think it will always be an unsatisfactory storyline since there is no stereotypical happy ending or an in depth storyline to analyze what is going on.