Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very sad to see all these second wives waving their superiority over the first wife. The point of the OP, and many others, is that kids from the first family wind up with short shrift, and as the father redirects his love and attention, the kids are shut out.

I’ve heard fathers say: I messed up before and I’m going to get it right this time. The first set of kids are a reminder of the father’s faults and easier to drop than face.
This is not the children’s fault. Stop glowing over their misfortune.
To say it doesn’t/shouldn’t matter to them shows a level of self-centeredness that negates your credibility on everything else. They are still his kids.

In circumstances where the second wife shows some genuine heart toward the children from the previous marriage, even adult children, things are likely to go a whole lot better.

It’s interesting you blame the dad and wife. What about when the mom cheats and is to blame? She leaves with her ap and has her ap replace dad.

You missed the point again.
This is about an adult child wanting a solid and mutual relationship with her father. Her mother is dead. She is grappling with her feelings. That’s human for a person with some compassion.

She just does not get that it is her H’s responsibility to create a relatively with his children. No matter what the ex-W did a good father would move mountains to get custody, have time, create a relationship.

It’s never too late, if he really cared he would reach out now and get the family counseling needed to fix the damage he did when they were children.

But again, that would take time and money from her family so she won’t support it.

How do you propose that happens during their childhood that the mother refuses contact - no phone calls, emails or visits? What do you do when the police and court refuse to help?

It's not his responsibility to fix the damage done by their mother. It's hers but she doesn't care about anyone but herself. He's not chasing adult children down to beg for a relationship.

You really don't get it.

If you fly cross country to see your kids and ex-wife says no, what do you do? You call the police who say they will not get involved. You file in court, which is court fees, attorney fees, more flights, judge says to mom follow the order, she agrees, then 10 minutes after the hearing she refuses to let Dad see the kids. Repeat a dozen times. This all on an enlisted military salary?

Not all mom's are good people. You give her a free pass and blame him. She cheated. She moved the kids cross country. She refused visits and contact. She refused to spend teh child support, alimony and all the extra money he sent for specific things for the kids on the kids. And, yet, he's to blame? Your view point is really messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

This happened to me, and it was upsetting to me as well.

It's because I think I had to mourn the loss of what I thought my relationship with my Dad would be. And what his relationship with his grandchildren would be.

It took me a while to figure that the 20-30 years I envisioned I had with him would look totally different, and honestly, not what was I was hoping for.

You eventually come to terms with it, buts its ok to mourn/grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you would have

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

This happened to me, and it was upsetting to me as well.

It's because I think I had to mourn the loss of what I thought my relationship with my Dad would be. And what his relationship with his grandchildren would be.

It took me a while to figure that the 20-30 years I envisioned I had with him would look totally different, and honestly, not what was I was hoping for.

You eventually come to terms with it, buts its ok to mourn/grieve for the loss of the relationship you thought you would have

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s very sad to see all these second wives waving their superiority over the first wife. The point of the OP, and many others, is that kids from the first family wind up with short shrift, and as the father redirects his love and attention, the kids are shut out.

I’ve heard fathers say: I messed up before and I’m going to get it right this time. The first set of kids are a reminder of the father’s faults and easier to drop than face.
This is not the children’s fault. Stop glowing over their misfortune.
To say it doesn’t/shouldn’t matter to them shows a level of self-centeredness that negates your credibility on everything else. They are still his kids.

In circumstances where the second wife shows some genuine heart toward the children from the previous marriage, even adult children, things are likely to go a whole lot better.

It’s interesting you blame the dad and wife. What about when the mom cheats and is to blame? She leaves with her ap and has her ap replace dad.

You missed the point again.
This is about an adult child wanting a solid and mutual relationship with her father. Her mother is dead. She is grappling with her feelings. That’s human for a person with some compassion.

She just does not get that it is her H’s responsibility to create a relatively with his children. No matter what the ex-W did a good father would move mountains to get custody, have time, create a relationship.

It’s never too late, if he really cared he would reach out now and get the family counseling needed to fix the damage he did when they were children.

But again, that would take time and money from her family so she won’t

You get your kids the conselling they need.
As you were responsible for taking them away from their dads.
Give them inheritance.
Your kids had their turn.
All second wives here sending you love

Adult kids can pay for their own counseling.

Second wives didn't take their Dad away. In our situation the mother took away the kids and I came many years later. If anything, my coming helped as I could help him pay for the plane tickets and attorney fees.

No one is entitled to an inheritance. How do you know we even have that kind of money? Neither of us are getting one. Why would we give an inheritance to people we have very little contact with?

It is my kids turn. Adult kids had the financial support of their Dad. They are grown, and living on their own, one with a kid of their own. They have jobs, housing, and an education. My kids deserve equal.

Time for you to grow up and fix your own Dad issues.