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Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah lets take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:My nephew asked my husband to officiate at his wedding, shortly after he became engaged (1.5 years before the wedding) and two months before the wedding told us our kids could not come because the venue insisted on 21 and over. Our kids were 17, 19, and 20 and we had spent every tg, Xmas, and July 4 and Labor Day with them since my kids were born. They were essentially adults; responsible and all in college.

It turned out that our nephew lied to us, and under 21 were allowed. It was just his and his fiancée’s decision. My kids and I did not attend the wedding and the relationship is permanently fractured. Our nephew texted my kids a few weeks after the wedding that he was “sorry about the way things worked out”, which to me, is a total lack of accepting responsibility. I have to assume that the kids and I just are not as important to them as I had thought and hoped.

His parents supported his decision to exclude our kids (in spite of asking my husband to officiate) and later did not blink when we told them their son was lying about the venue imposing the 21+ rule, although they claimed to be surprised. They told us “all of his friends’ weddings have been 21+.”

I think if a couple decides on a 21+ wedding, it is absolutely their prerogative but they should be honest with their invitees and accept the consequences. It’s pretty straightforward.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both the youngest of large families, and our kids are the youngest cousins on both sides. Several of our nieces and nephews have gotten married and had "adult only" weddings and our kids were the only first cousins excluded. (They are not babies-- they are 11 and 14.)

When my husband and I were both single we spent tons of time going to all our niblings' recitals, sporting events, plays, etc-- and now that we have kids, do you think our sibs show up for our kids in the same way? Nope.

To then have our kids cast aside at a family wedding is just another hurtful slight. It stings.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah lets take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.

Well yeah? Because it’s hypocritical?

I think people exaggerate how hard it is to have kids at weddings. That doesn’t mean every couple that chooses a childless wedding is disingenuous or passive aggressive. So your criticism of someone “exaggerating” their circumstances is the same as someone criticizing a couple for “exaggerating” how hard it would be to have kids at the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:My nephew asked my husband to officiate at his wedding, shortly after he became engaged (1.5 years before the wedding) and two months before the wedding told us our kids could not come because the venue insisted on 21 and over. Our kids were 17, 19, and 20 and we had spent every tg, Xmas, and July 4 and Labor Day with them since my kids were born. They were essentially adults; responsible and all in college.

It turned out that our nephew lied to us, and under 21 were allowed. It was just his and his fiancée’s decision. My kids and I did not attend the wedding and the relationship is permanently fractured. Our nephew texted my kids a few weeks after the wedding that he was “sorry about the way things worked out”, which to me, is a total lack of accepting responsibility. I have to assume that the kids and I just are not as important to them as I had thought and hoped.

His parents supported his decision to exclude our kids (in spite of asking my husband to officiate) and later did not blink when we told them their son was lying about the venue imposing the 21+ rule, although they claimed to be surprised. They told us “all of his friends’ weddings have been 21+.”

I think if a couple decides on a 21+ wedding, it is absolutely their prerogative but they should be honest with their invitees and accept the consequences. It’s pretty straightforward.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah let’s take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.

You STILL don’t get it. The expense and inconvenience to find a babysitter for a child-free wedding is considerable, and also stressful for a mom if the kids are little and she works full time. It’s not an exaggeration if someone says they are skipping your wedding because it is childfree and you don’t want to incur the expense/stress of it. It’s a statement that given the bride has made clear how she values your family, you accordingly are willing to expend less on her wedding. It’s a cost-benefit analysis and the fact that you exclude her kids greatly lessens the benefits.

Anonymous wrote:
That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up.

Anonymous wrote: Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together.

Anonymous wrote: If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah lets take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:My nephew asked my husband to officiate at his wedding, shortly after he became engaged (1.5 years before the wedding) and two months before the wedding told us our kids could not come because the venue insisted on 21 and over. Our kids were 17, 19, and 20 and we had spent every tg, Xmas, and July 4 and Labor Day with them since my kids were born. They were essentially adults; responsible and all in college.

It turned out that our nephew lied to us, and under 21 were allowed. It was just his and his fiancée’s decision. My kids and I did not attend the wedding and the relationship is permanently fractured. Our nephew texted my kids a few weeks after the wedding that he was “sorry about the way things worked out”, which to me, is a total lack of accepting responsibility. I have to assume that the kids and I just are not as important to them as I had thought and hoped.

His parents supported his decision to exclude our kids (in spite of asking my husband to officiate) and later did not blink when we told them their son was lying about the venue imposing the 21+ rule, although they claimed to be surprised. They told us “all of his friends’ weddings have been 21+.”

I think if a couple decides on a 21+ wedding, it is absolutely their prerogative but they should be honest with their invitees and accept the consequences. It’s pretty straightforward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

So why is it “disingenuous and passive aggressive” to say no to your wedding? Is it disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline your other invites that don’t suit me?

That's not what I wrote. "[People] making up disingenuous excuses" is what I wrote. It's not disingenuous and passive aggressive to decline an invitation to a child-free wedding. Commenters on these topics often will exaggerate the effort needed to attend a child-free wedding. If you can't attend for whatever reason or don't want to, that's fine.


So many people have latched on to that statement about disingenuous excuses. People are literally cancelling families over others choosing a child-free wedding. But yeah let’s take me to task for criticizing people whom I believe are basing excuses on exaggerated circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL had a no kids allowed destination wedding at a $1000/night resort that was hours away from an airport. We had a 2 year old and had never left him overnight and no childcare options. SIL tried to paint this as an amazing opportunity to take a child free 'vacation' (all her close friends also had kids) but we didn't end up going so her only sibling wasn't there.

Your husband didn’t go alone? When it’s a sibling and your only sibling and your child is 2 and the other parent can manage for a few days solo, not going is pretty aggressive. Did you encourage him to go? Did his sister go to your wedding?

DP but neither DH nor I would have encouraged or nagged the other person to go. 1K a night and a bunch of PTO to fly to a destination wedding
w/ o spouse and kids would be a no go for us at that time in our life. It’s insanely rude to assume your guests are going to sacrifice their family vacation time and budget because you want a destination wedding. If you want a destination wedding by all means have one but the obligations to attend completely change when you choose this path.

How much pto do you need for 1 night? You are just making excuses to be upset because they didn't invite your precious little toddler.

We’ve been told over and over that all brides (excuse me, 99.9%) are perfectly happy and never, ever rude when someone declines to attend their wedding for any reason whatsoever. But you seem to be very upset that someone chose not to use PTO to go to your wedding here. Oh dear. I guess you are a special one.

DP

It's not upsetting people decline the invitation. It's upsetting people making up disingenuous excuses for doing so.

Why lie about PTO and babysitters? Just say you are declining an invitation to an event that does not accommodate you in the special way you want to be accommodated. Babysitters and PTO is a passive aggressive protest, nothing more.

Isn’t that…any event anyone ever declines?

I’m declining your MLM party because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be sold Mary Kay products.

I’m declining your happy hour because it doesn’t accommodate my special wish not to be around your odious boyfriend.

And I’m declining your wedding because it doesn’t accommodate my wish not to spend an extra $200 on you.

I don’t see why the latter is any different than the former two?

We are in agreement. You just said the reasons you are declining by providing examples. We agree.

NP. What a pity that RSVP cards only includes variations of “Joyfully Accepts” or “Sends Regrets,” with no mechanism or expectation to provide a reason why one is sending regrets.

Perhaps you could market a line of RSVP card that provide pre-set “Valid” or “Inexcusable” decline boxes, and the opportunity to write in your own explanation. Clearly from this asinine thread, there’s a market for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.

But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!

You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.

But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.

People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.

I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.

Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.

That's not precisely what I was trying to say about five pages ago, fwiw. I think weddings used to be bonding experiences for young cousins when I was growing up. Losing that because people want nicer Instagram pictures to post, if that's really why this generation is doing it, is really to bad from my perspective. I have some great memories of those times. It's a shame to me that young people aren't valuing those experiences for kids to hang out together. If that's what you want, I can arrange for babysitting or not according to how much I value you in the family tbh. It does inform my opinion of you and makes me think maybe you're caught up more with appearances and more inclined to make the event all about you instead about the larger family. You're allowed to think me some sort of judgemental oldster, but I'm allowed to make that judgement of your selfishness etc, also.

Anonymous wrote: Because state dinners have certain restrictions and rules which are reasonable when dealing with heads of state and comically self-important when dealing with wedding. See: showing up hours early, confiscating cell phones, etc.

Anonymous wrote: Once you’re already of the belief that your guests should be treated like the enemy, you get into beliefs like “declining because you don’t want to hire a babysitter is passive aggressive” instead of “I guess I’m not a $500 gift-tier friend”

Anonymous wrote:

When did I say you did? I was simply having a laugh at the ridiculousness of everyone on here who has said thus and thus is acceptable and this or that is not. As if anyone owes anyone else an excuse, a reason, a justification that needs to be “accepted.” I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend. Oh well. I don’t care if someone doesn’t understand or like my decisions.

But as I said, there is clearly a market for this type of reply card. Money to be made, people!

You quoted me so I assumed you were implying as much.

But that's the thing. Nobody is saying the invitee owes anyone an excuse. At least nowhere near the extent we see the other side dictating what is and is not acceptable in terns of people planning their own wedding.

People are saying couples owe it to family, society, and 12 year olds with dreams of attending a wedding to invite children to weddings.

I’ve turned down invitations and I’ve learned that some people were upset I did not attend.

Then that is silly. Nobody should be telling you that you owe them attendance, or that you owe them a wedding with children invited.