Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are all sorts of cultures that don’t change their names. In fact, in a lot of Western Europe it’s *illegal* to for a woman to change her name. Quite a lot of this actually traces its history back to feudalism and aristocratic hierarchy (aristocrats when they married change their official titles but the little people stay the same). The patriarchy isn’t really in play.

In the British tradition, as well as most Scandinavian cultures, and much of Germany (though Germany is a mishmash culturally and thus there’s no singular German tradition on much of anything) names change and it carried forward to the U.S.

The reason for this is likely pragmatic because record keeping was more straightforward. In the western world, if you look at the countries that have families organized by having 1 consistent last name carried down by the man also have a better organized administrative state when it comes to wills, property lines, tax collection, and many other things.

The biggest outlier here is the Netherlands where it’s illegal to change names and they have a very efficient administrative state.

But it’s not really directly about the patriarchy except insofar as much of everything can be traced back to the “patriarchy”. Plenty of patriarchal societies (Italy, France, Spain, Greece) don’t change names.

In certain countries, it’s common. My entire family on all sides traces its roots back 100% to countries with that tradition, so it’s been the tradition in my family. Who cares? Not everyone has to do it the same way. What someone else does doesn’t bother me and I’d appreciate what I do not bother you.

The patriarchal aspect of this tradition isn't the expectation that the family has a single name, but the fact that the name needs to come from the man. Sure, plenty of patriarchal culture don't follow that custom, but it doesn't mean the custom is patriarchal.

Then everything is patriarchal. The fact that hundreds of years ago, a custom was created to be administratively simple and that custom favored the men’s’ names is…. unsurprising.

The name doesn’t “need” to come from the man. But it can come from the woman, the man, or be made up. You don’t get any other choices. So when you see the man’s name, it was one of the 3 available choices. Maybe it’s not a choice you would make but what someone else does is none of your business. It’s not inherently patriarchal, like so many things that are over simplified these days, it can be this, but it can also be something else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are all sorts of cultures that don’t change their names. In fact, in a lot of Western Europe it’s *illegal* to for a woman to change her name. Quite a lot of this actually traces its history back to feudalism and aristocratic hierarchy (aristocrats when they married change their official titles but the little people stay the same). The patriarchy isn’t really in play.

In the British tradition, as well as most Scandinavian cultures, and much of Germany (though Germany is a mishmash culturally and thus there’s no singular German tradition on much of anything) names change and it carried forward to the U.S.

The reason for this is likely pragmatic because record keeping was more straightforward. In the western world, if you look at the countries that have families organized by having 1 consistent last name carried down by the man also have a better organized administrative state when it comes to wills, property lines, tax collection, and many other things.

The biggest outlier here is the Netherlands where it’s illegal to change names and they have a very efficient administrative state.

But it’s not really directly about the patriarchy except insofar as much of everything can be traced back to the “patriarchy”. Plenty of patriarchal societies (Italy, France, Spain, Greece) don’t change names.

In certain countries, it’s common. My entire family on all sides traces its roots back 100% to countries with that tradition, so it’s been the tradition in my family. Who cares? Not everyone has to do it the same way. What someone else does doesn’t bother me and I’d appreciate what I do not bother you.

The patriarchal aspect of this tradition isn't the expectation that the family has a single name, but the fact that the name needs to come from the man. Sure, plenty of patriarchal culture don't follow that custom, but it doesn't mean the custom is patriarchal.

Anonymous wrote:There are all sorts of cultures that don’t change their names. In fact, in a lot of Western Europe it’s *illegal* to for a woman to change her name. Quite a lot of this actually traces its history back to feudalism and aristocratic hierarchy (aristocrats when they married change their official titles but the little people stay the same). The patriarchy isn’t really in play.

In the British tradition, as well as most Scandinavian cultures, and much of Germany (though Germany is a mishmash culturally and thus there’s no singular German tradition on much of anything) names change and it carried forward to the U.S.

The reason for this is likely pragmatic because record keeping was more straightforward. In the western world, if you look at the countries that have families organized by having 1 consistent last name carried down by the man also have a better organized administrative state when it comes to wills, property lines, tax collection, and many other things.

The biggest outlier here is the Netherlands where it’s illegal to change names and they have a very efficient administrative state.

But it’s not really directly about the patriarchy except insofar as much of everything can be traced back to the “patriarchy”. Plenty of patriarchal societies (Italy, France, Spain, Greece) don’t change names.

In certain countries, it’s common. My entire family on all sides traces its roots back 100% to countries with that tradition, so it’s been the tradition in my family. Who cares? Not everyone has to do it the same way. What someone else does doesn’t bother me and I’d appreciate what I do not bother you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Yeah, I've never understood that either. US has a large hispanic population and a large number of unmarried couples with kids, how do people think they travel or pick up their children from school?

Many hispanics actually get married. They tend to be more conservative and religious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Yeah, I've never understood that either. US has a large hispanic population and a large number of unmarried couples with kids, how do people think they travel or pick up their children from school?

Many hispanics actually get married. They tend to be more conservative and religious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Yeah, I've never understood that either. US has a large hispanic population and a large number of unmarried couples with kids, how do people think they travel or pick up their children from school?

Also, wtf school would not have both parents’ names on file?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Yeah, I've never understood that either. US has a large hispanic population and a large number of unmarried couples with kids, how do people think they travel or pick up their children from school?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Yeah, I've never understood that either. US has a large hispanic population and a large number of unmarried couples with kids, how do people think they travel or pick up their children from school?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

I’ve been married for 20 years, kept my name, and have literally never had this happen. How would it even screw up a flight? You have to buy tickets under your legal name.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

In the distant past everyone changed their name. In the late 80s and 90s most professional women did not change their name. Sometime in the early 2000/2010s the trend went back to changing names. I think the trend is very much to change the name. At a big law firm and almost every married female associate changing name. But there is no wrong or right answer. Up to you.

I will say DW did not change her name. I did not and do not care. Not an issue. As we had a family it was a pain in the ass that she did not have the same name. This is over the last 20 years. Logistically it has screwed up flights , using miles for flights, permission to pick the kids up. All can be worked out and I would say less of an issue now that 15 years ago but a giant pain in the ass anyway. DW regretted not changing her name but was too far in to really do anything about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking your husband's name in marriage offers a harmonious blend of tradition, practicality, and symbolism, outweighing the potential drawbacks for many couples. This choice, as exemplified by influential women like Hillary Clinton and Melinda Gates, demonstrates that adopting your husband's surname doesn't hinder professional growth or personal identity; rather, it can complement and enrich them.

One of the standout advantages is the ease it brings to international travel, particularly in customs and immigration processes. Families sharing the same surname often experience smoother and quicker procedures, a significant benefit in today's globalized world. This commonality in the family name simplifies the identification process, especially useful when traveling with children.

In daily life, having the same surname as your spouse and children can streamline administrative tasks related to schooling, medical care, and legal matters. It removes the need for additional documentation to prove family relationships, making these often routine yet crucial tasks more straightforward.

Beyond practicalities, adopting your husband's surname symbolizes the unity and commitment within a marriage. It fosters a strong sense of family identity and belonging, reinforcing the familial bonds. This symbolic gesture is a powerful expression of the new life and journey you embark on together as a family.

In essence, the benefits of taking your husband's name — from smoother travel experiences and simplified daily logistics to the symbolic representation of family unity — significantly outweigh the cons. It's a choice that seamlessly blends tradition with modernity, allowing women to maintain their professional and personal identities while celebrating their marital bond and family unity.

Whoa. If you think all of these things are benefits, why not have your husband take your last name? Same benefits, but why is it almost always the wife who has to give up her family name? Do you not see how one-sided it is?

Not to mention, i didn't change my name and have not run into obstacles with any of these things. Our "journey as a family" has been just fine.

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women should be independent and make decisions for themselves. Their choices are their own. Unless they choose something I disagree with, like taking their husband’s surname, and then they’re antiquated, stupid, and succumbing the patriarchy.

Being a feminist doesn't mean agreeing with every choice women make. I wouldn't lecture a friend for changing her name, butthe reality is that this is something tgat's only expected from women, never from men, and unlike many other choices, a name change after marriage is only a thing because of a sexist tradition, not because it's practical.

Maybe a woman just wants to do it. Not only should you not lecture a friend, you also shouldn’t think you’re entitled to an explanation or that there is an explanation. Some people just want to do it, others don’t. MYOB.

Friend, have you ever interrogated why so many women "just want to do it," and why virtually no men ever want to? The idea that everyone is making this decision in a vacuum, just "choosing their choice" is quite...naive.

+1
Yes, it's your choice, influenced by hundreds (thousands?) of years of patriarchy. Why people can't acknowledge that is beyond me.

Duh, and so what? Acknowledged. And still people can make that choice. Do you want to take away the choice because you don't like it now?

DP. Nobody wants to take your choice away, but this is a public board discussing name change after marriage. Some people people have a less than favorable opinion on this and they're expressing.

Women who have a strong opinion about this “issue” have a very shallow understanding of both feminism and patriarchy.

Keeping your last name is to fighting the patriarchy as banning plastic straws is to saving the environment.

(i.e. it’s a zero effort way to pretend you give a sh!t, but it’s ultimately a meaningless gesture)

There are many things I don't engage in because I find them sexist, not just name changing. Not doing anything other than keeping your own name is meaningless. Not keeping your name when keeping it is so easy while lecturing other women about feminism is rich.

Agree.
Also, while it may be a straw in a sea of patriarchy, in MY life, which I do have more control over, it's a huge deal

Exactly. I don't necessary care about feminism as a movement as my ability to influence society at large is nonexistent, but this is a big decision on a personal level.

It’s not a big decision, though. With the exception of a few weirdos in this very thread literally no one cares and it has zero importance to anyone or anything.

A big personal decision, for example, is choosing to leave your infant children with low paid daycare workers while you go back to your corporate job and earn some money for you and even more for “the man” because… that’s the feminist choice in your twisted worldview. Plus, not doing so would require actual sacrifice on your part and you’re not really prepared to do that.

If it's not a big decision, why don't men do it? Why it's only not a big deal when women have to change their surname?
Flash news: if you don't work a corporate job to stay home with your children, then your husband has to sacrifice his time with his children to provide for your lifestyle. The fact that you don't find this problematic says a lot about you. I personally know many couples who both have flexible jobs and raise their children as partners, not as provider and dependent.

Yes, feminism is BOTH parents sacrificing time with their children at the altar of capitalism. (I think the number of men who would be clamoring to be SAHD’s is on par with the number who want to take their wife’s last name, BTW. Have you ever met a man?)

Sorry, lady, you are too far gone. You have had the whole pitcher of kool-aid and there is zero chance your atrophied brain will ever comprehend that an egalitarian society should be the goal of feminism (rather than an “equal” society, which conveniently continues to center men and men’s interests as the “default” - so your type will continue to strive to be more like men while foolishly believing you’re feminists…)

My cousin and his wife are the ultimate feminists. None of them works because f--- capitalism. Their family pays for their apartment and they have plenty of time with their three children which consists of doing chores and sitting by their side when they watch tv and play with their phones. True anti-corporate feminism right there.

You seem like you came from a lower class family.

Anonymous wrote:Every time I see this thread pop up, all I can think is, “who says ‘surname’?”