Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

Did you realize that your exDW cleaned her asshole with your toothbrush?

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

No need to flame here. I and my AP are starting to fantasize about that, then freaking out and "behaving" ourselves for the good of kids, friendships, Christmas. It's better to have these two lives than it was to have only one, but would most likely be even better to get to where you are. We just can't seem to put our happiness ahead of our obligations, but I think you're the one who's doing it right.

Doing it ‘right’ for you should involve walking in front of a bus or maybe a Walmart 18-wheeler.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a client and we periodically have to travel on business together coming from different cities. After about four years something just happened. We only travel together 1-2 times a year and in between all of our contact is strictly business. It's a strange relationship but when we get together the sex is to die for.

Interesting.
How did you make it happen?

Anonymous wrote:

Do all the affair partners rally believe that their spouses are not having sex with them? Because I am given the impression that is a very convenient excuse, however false. Maybe APs say the to make the other person feel wanted/needed? It all seems like such a tremendous charade and lie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

No need to flame here. I and my AP are starting to fantasize about that, then freaking out and "behaving" ourselves for the good of kids, friendships, Christmas. It's better to have these two lives than it was to have only one, but would most likely be even better to get to where you are. We just can't seem to put our happiness ahead of our obligations, but I think you're the one who's doing it right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

Anonymous wrote:He's a client and we periodically have to travel on business together coming from different cities. After about four years something just happened. We only travel together 1-2 times a year and in between all of our contact is strictly business. It's a strange relationship but when we get together the sex is to die for.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Anonymous wrote:Very curious....aren't the APs in this thread afraid of being found out? Like wouldn't it matter to you that your spouse would be very upset and that could be the end of your marriage?

Anonymous wrote:Very curious....aren't the APs in this thread afraid of being found out? Like wouldn't it matter to you that your spouse would be very upset and that could be the end of your marriage?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

You mean by having an affair or by consigning their spouse to a life of quiet desperation?

I live with myself just fine. My husband pursued me heavily, had kids with me, and proceeded to check out emotuonally, spending months and sometimes years in cycles of self pity and depression. He's gone to therapy. We've done couples counseling. He's a reasonably good father and the kids like their lives. He's also completely uninterested in human intimacy and deeply resents that I'm not miserable and depressed like he is.

My choices were to break up my children's home, be lonely and sexless starting before age 40, or find intimacy elsewhere. Y husband has a great deal: I do 90% of household and parenting tasks, earn as much as he does, keep a social calendar with his friends, take care of his sick relatives when needed, and no longer hassle him for things he doesn't want to give or can't give.

My AP is in the same boat. He's a meal ticket, he does a ton of the heavy lifting as a parent, he's taking care of his lower functioning spouse without complaint.

I sleep well at night because we've both given up far more for our spouses than they have for us. I'd sleep better in the same bed with my loved one but our kids come first, so this is what wr have.

I was exactly in your shoes but I chose to separate. Why live a series of lies?