Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!

100% true

I'm a woman and married my AP. Have a kid together, too. We're very happy.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know any women who married their AP after divorcing. The guys always dump them once the marriage is over. My takeaway is that there are more women sleeping with married people because they think they love them and hope to have a future with hem than there are men that do this. I think there are more men who do it precisely because they think it won’t have a future!

100% true

Anonymous wrote:It never occurred to me before this thread that someone would assume I was the OW just because DH was divorced and remarried.

This is one of the many reasons I do not date divorced men unless they are at least a year post divorce. I would never date a guy who was just separated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

You’ve posted many times and have received a lot of good advice you don’t seem to be taking. Instead of obsessing about what DCUM think of your situation, please seek help for yourself. Your wife has already made her choice. She’s not changing her mind and, even if she did, how could you ever move past this?

I know two grown kids whose parents’ married their APs. DH’s mom became engaged to her tennis partner 3 months after she and DH’s dad divorced when he was in middle school. Everyone knew about the affair, so it wasn’t a secret. DH resented his stepdad for the first couple of years, but then moved past it and formed a friendly relationship with his stepdad. He recognized that his parents had a bad marriage and his stepdad was a better partner for his mom.

My college best friend’s dad left her mom when she was in first grade for a younger woman. They went on to have a child tougher. BF resented her stepmom initially but they eventually became really close. Stepmom took us on some fun trips while we were in college and we enjoyed hanging out with her. BF has always been jealous of her half-sibling. She grew up with both her parents and had a privileged life that BF didn’t have. She doesn’t seem to blame her stepmom for this though. And she recognizes that her dad would have left her mom for someone else had it not been stepmom. He was a serial cheater (and cheated on stepmom too).

+1

It's one thing to get a reality check, but the constant surveying means that you aren't looking inward to see what is best for YOU. Find a way to get some mental quiet so you can find clarity. Regardless of the outcome it's the only healthy way to move forward and eventually find peace. I am sorry this is happening to you. It's really not fair. But you need to go with your gut and you can't listen to it through all the noise you're getting on this forum.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

You’ve posted many times and have received a lot of good advice you don’t seem to be taking. Instead of obsessing about what DCUM think of your situation, please seek help for yourself. Your wife has already made her choice. She’s not changing her mind and, even if she did, how could you ever move past this?

I know two grown kids whose parents’ married their APs. DH’s mom became engaged to her tennis partner 3 months after she and DH’s dad divorced when he was in middle school. Everyone knew about the affair, so it wasn’t a secret. DH resented his stepdad for the first couple of years, but then moved past it and formed a friendly relationship with his stepdad. He recognized that his parents had a bad marriage and his stepdad was a better partner for his mom.

My college best friend’s dad left her mom when she was in first grade for a younger woman. They went on to have a child tougher. BF resented her stepmom initially but they eventually became really close. Stepmom took us on some fun trips while we were in college and we enjoyed hanging out with her. BF has always been jealous of her half-sibling. She grew up with both her parents and had a privileged life that BF didn’t have. She doesn’t seem to blame her stepmom for this though. And she recognizes that her dad would have left her mom for someone else had it not been stepmom. He was a serial cheater (and cheated on stepmom too).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It never occurred to me before this thread that someone would assume I was the OW just because DH was divorced and remarried.

Where are the comments showing that happened?

13:11 for one.

Anonymous wrote:It never occurred to me before this thread that someone would assume I was the OW just because DH was divorced and remarried.

Where are the comments showing that happened?

It never occurred to me before this thread that someone would assume I was the OW just because DH was divorced and remarried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

Um no? Anyone who commits adultery which results in divorce is a homewrecker.

Nope - only the person in the marriage who chose to break his/her vows and "wreck" that house.

Let’s compromise and say both are home wreckers.

Let's not, based on it not actually being correct. Cool?

It is correct. Don’t screw people you know are married. Very simple.

And yet DCUM had a bunch of posts hating on a woman who wanted to verify independently that the man she was dating was actually divorced.

+1000! Does not compute. Either it’s important to know or it’s not.

It's very odd that often people assume it's the same posters advocating these two apparently irreconcilable opinions, but I remember a post like that and all the comments were basically helping the poster figure it out, and consoling the poster when she discovered that he was indeed married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

No, I responded to the op’s question, that a stepmom/dad who was first the ap, would never come on here to respond. Are you an AP and feel you have no blame in the breakup of a marriage, only the married person is at fault?

I'm happily married - never cheated or been cheated on.

But my DH and I are the ones who made our vows. Not some other 3rd party. Any issues in our marriage and home would be our own making.

I have always wondered why people think it's okay to sleep with married people and I think I'm starting to understand it. When you think that marriage is about the promise to make good choices, and not about the importance of respecting and not harming another human being (in this case your spouse), then being the AP is not contributing to breaking up the marriage. You are seriously harming another person, but not breaking a promise to not harm. If you didn't promise not to hurt somebody, it's okay if you hurt them.

Interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, plot twist. I am a woman, so is my wife, so is the AP. I have posted recently in the relationship forum. So IDK how these facts change the trajectory of my story. We are still in ongoing affair phase with me still trying to get my wife to reconsider leaving the marriage, although with each passing day my capacity for forgiveness is diminishing...

Sde a vow before God and are as despicable as a heterosexual couple.

Lol. You would be well served going forward by keeping in mind that not everyone believes in "god".

Anonymous wrote:An affair partner who knowingly enters a relationship with a married person is a homewrecker. Period.

DP. Still incorrect no matter how many times you come back and type it. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A stepmom who was the home wrecker would never come on here and admit to anything; they are amoral liars and make up a scenario to fit their fake narrative.

The "home wrecker" and the only person who "broke up the marriage" was the person in the marriage who decided to cheat.

Your anger is misplaced.

takes two to tango

Depends on the age of the child.

When the adults normalize the behavior, the child learns not to trust vows and promises. This will become a thing in their future relationships.

The kids I know who were allowed to witness and react to the pain of the betrayal and know that is was a betrayal and not OK, developed stronger adult relationships and were more likely to take vows seriously and keep their own vows.

At a certain age, you sacrifice the child's view of a cheating parent for the sake of their future adult relationships. But not when they are so young that they need the parental bonds to form personal security.

Its OK and healthy to hold a negative opinion about bad and immoral behavior. It is also important to learn to forgive the person for the wrong they did (which is not the same as accepting or normalizing the behavior).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An affair partner who knowingly enters a relationship with a married person is a homewrecker. Period.

But there must have been other issues with the marriage before she even entered the relationship.
I know one couple. They are happy, still together.
He was married with kids, left that to be with her

NP. Who cares if the marriage had issues? Both are at fault, albeit the cheater is more at fault.

So?
Time to end suffering for everyone's benefit

Guys, op's wife might be cheating, but trust me, op has been an emotionally abusive partner for years. If Jeff could track all her threads and she didn't change her IP address, there would be dozens upon dozens of threads where op is dissecting her spouse and her every action and just a person with no boundaries and limits to putting her spouse through the wringer.