Anonymous wrote:The best advice would be to stop worrying about finding a guy and start building a life for yourself where you don't need one. Give yourself the life you want, socially, financially, etc. so there isn't a single thing you need from a man you are married to.

After you do that, you start spending time with men simply because you enjoy their company. Don't worry about whether you are going to get married. Focus on having fun with them today and whether you want to have fun with them tomorrow. Stop focusing on how much money they make, where they live, what kind of job they have. That won't be a concern because you have already provided those things for yourself.

You'd be surprised what decent, kind, amazing men are available out there, even at 37, when you stop needing them to be certain things for you and focus on whether or not you truly enjoy them as people and whether they are emotionally healthy enough to be good partners. Stop worrying about whether a guy has marriage potential every moment you are with them. Kinda amazing how if you do that, the rest seems to take care of itself.

And once you do all that you realize you don’t need a man lol

PP shut up!
OP never said she is 5.9 she said she put 5.9 as minimum for a guy’s height

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I get the height thing. I’m 6’0” and was always the tallest girl in my class, got called a giraffe, couldnt find pants long enough, only wore keds tennis shoes for years because they had the smallest sole, etc. I never wanted to date shorter men but decided to give it a try right about when I turned 30. Because I realized I wasnt getting any younger and wanted a family and kids. So instead of settling (as many women unfortunately do) on an “important” thing like values, morals, career, intelligence, sense of humor, looks… I “settled” by giving up on a man needing to be taller than me.

Now Im about to celebrate my 10th anniversary with an amazing man who is 5’10”. We have an awesome life. He is a great partner, my best friend, a great dad to our kids, financially stable, emotionally stable, smart, funny, handsome, good in bed, etc. We have a great life and I am so so so glad I decided to give him a chance. He doesnt care at all that I am taller than him.

Good point PP and I think you had a more legitimate reason to want a tall man being tall yourself. I read OP as not necessarily being tall herself but liking tall man because that is what many women consider a must-have trait.

I am tall myself (5'11) and I only date men taller than me but I am mid-40s and divorced and not really lookin for another life partner so I think I can be choosy

I guess you can't read because OP said she's 5" 9" which is tall for a woman.

The best advice would be to stop worrying about finding a guy and start building a life for yourself where you don't need one. Give yourself the life you want, socially, financially, etc. so there isn't a single thing you need from a man you are married to.

After you do that, you start spending time with men simply because you enjoy their company. Don't worry about whether you are going to get married. Focus on having fun with them today and whether you want to have fun with them tomorrow. Stop focusing on how much money they make, where they live, what kind of job they have. That won't be a concern because you have already provided those things for yourself.

You'd be surprised what decent, kind, amazing men are available out there, even at 37, when you stop needing them to be certain things for you and focus on whether or not you truly enjoy them as people and whether they are emotionally healthy enough to be good partners. Stop worrying about whether a guy has marriage potential every moment you are with them. Kinda amazing how if you do that, the rest seems to take care of itself.

Anonymous wrote:I met my husband at 30, through online dating. He’s the kind of guy that probably would do well online dating ... 6’2, cute, humble, good job, athletic, well traveled + down to earth. I got lucky. I remember I panicked that year about turning 30 and the dating pool was horrible. Many seemed great from their profiles but had snarky or bitter personalities. Like others have said, open your mind up to dating sometime that doesn’t check every single box, in particular ones that have no bearing on what your life will be like as a married couple like his height.

Clearly the OP hasn’t had your luck online, at least so far. And you were seven years younger when you had such luck…

OP, I would keep doing the online thing but also try to put yourself in more situations in real life that could lead to new friendships and an expansion of your casual social circles. I met my husband at 38 through a new friend of a friend (she was and still is married at the time) who had recently moved to town and wanted to set me up with her cousin. I almost didn’t go out that evening because I was tired after a long day at work, but obviously that one night changed my life when I met my now husband through her.

“Putting yourself out there” is overused advice, but for a reason. I’d also recommend Lori Gottleib’s book about Mr. Good Enough. It has a terrible title, but the themes are directionally sound. It makes you think about what a lot of posters mentioned: figuring out what traits are truly important to you in a life partner and only focusing on those handful of traits. I read it at 35/36 years old and it really changed how I approached dating, both online and with anyone I met in person, for the better.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get the height thing. I’m 6’0” and was always the tallest girl in my class, got called a giraffe, couldnt find pants long enough, only wore keds tennis shoes for years because they had the smallest sole, etc. I never wanted to date shorter men but decided to give it a try right about when I turned 30. Because I realized I wasnt getting any younger and wanted a family and kids. So instead of settling (as many women unfortunately do) on an “important” thing like values, morals, career, intelligence, sense of humor, looks… I “settled” by giving up on a man needing to be taller than me.

Now Im about to celebrate my 10th anniversary with an amazing man who is 5’10”. We have an awesome life. He is a great partner, my best friend, a great dad to our kids, financially stable, emotionally stable, smart, funny, handsome, good in bed, etc. We have a great life and I am so so so glad I decided to give him a chance. He doesnt care at all that I am taller than him.

I am 5'9 and was married to someone 6'1' but he died. I have since dated guys from 5'7 to 6'6". Height is no indicator of loyalty, intelligence, humor or ability in bed. In fact, the taller they were the lazier they were as lovers.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get the height thing. I’m 6’0” and was always the tallest girl in my class, got called a giraffe, couldnt find pants long enough, only wore keds tennis shoes for years because they had the smallest sole, etc. I never wanted to date shorter men but decided to give it a try right about when I turned 30. Because I realized I wasnt getting any younger and wanted a family and kids. So instead of settling (as many women unfortunately do) on an “important” thing like values, morals, career, intelligence, sense of humor, looks… I “settled” by giving up on a man needing to be taller than me.

Now Im about to celebrate my 10th anniversary with an amazing man who is 5’10”. We have an awesome life. He is a great partner, my best friend, a great dad to our kids, financially stable, emotionally stable, smart, funny, handsome, good in bed, etc. We have a great life and I am so so so glad I decided to give him a chance. He doesnt care at all that I am taller than him.

Good point PP and I think you had a more legitimate reason to want a tall man being tall yourself. I read OP as not necessarily being tall herself but liking tall man because that is what many women consider a must-have trait.

I am tall myself (5'11) and I only date men taller than me but I am mid-40s and divorced and not really lookin for another life partner so I think I can be choosy

OP, I get the height thing. I’m 6’0” and was always the tallest girl in my class, got called a giraffe, couldnt find pants long enough, only wore keds tennis shoes for years because they had the smallest sole, etc. I never wanted to date shorter men but decided to give it a try right about when I turned 30. Because I realized I wasnt getting any younger and wanted a family and kids. So instead of settling (as many women unfortunately do) on an “important” thing like values, morals, career, intelligence, sense of humor, looks… I “settled” by giving up on a man needing to be taller than me.

Now Im about to celebrate my 10th anniversary with an amazing man who is 5’10”. We have an awesome life. He is a great partner, my best friend, a great dad to our kids, financially stable, emotionally stable, smart, funny, handsome, good in bed, etc. We have a great life and I am so so so glad I decided to give him a chance. He doesnt care at all that I am taller than him.

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Anonymous wrote:My friend is 35, good guy, just got divorced (they just got married too young and grew apart, no kids). He meets people online.

Sloppy man alert. There is a reason he is divorced. Find a man who focused on career achievements vs early life marriage. No need to dumpster dive.

PP here, far from it, my friend is very successful, in part their careers being far apart made it hard for them (I'm friends with both of them).

But hey, being judgmental is a great way to never end up with anyone. I mean, what if they're divorced something must be wrong but if they're still single must be something wrong, so just give up?

No offense, but unless you have been in an intimate relationship with him you don't know how he ( or she is as a partner) there's a lot of great and successful people out there that make good friends, even great boyfrends, but terrible husbands.

I can absolutely understand throwing out guys with kids for obvious reasons. But a guy could be divorced in his upper 30s for plenty of reasons, some being that the wife was terrible. To restrict that potential dating pool seems foolhardy to me.

The pool of guys who are divorced in their late 30s just because their wife was terrible and through no fault of their own is extremly small Trust me on this.

Second wives are very good at convincing themselves that wife #1 was "terrible" because it makes them feel less like they are getting sloppy seconds. So I've heard this a lot.

What's funny is that most of these women should be thanking those first wives. I know a number of men who made all their stupid man mistakes in their first marriage. Then when they remarry, they understand very acutely aware of what it takes to be a good partner because the messed it up so badly the first time. I've seen this happen more than once. Some okay guy is a crappy husband to first wife, who gets fed up and dumps him, and then he suddenly gets it together for second wife when he realizes he is not capable or interesting enough to survive as a single person for long.

Okay but aren’t these men usually the ones who marry early amd divorce in their 20s…not the ones who divorce in their late 30s?

I know a couple people who married out of college but then had to go long distance for careers or education and then ended up breaking up when they were able to live together again. No one has to be the bad guy, people grow apart sometimes.

Sort of. People who get married out of college and then divorce years later, even just because they grew apart, still have issues. They need to deal with some questions, like: what made them get married so young? That’s unusual. And it’s obviously not that they found the love of their lives, because obviously. Then it’s like, why did you grow apart? Long distance? How’d that happen because that’s a weird choice to make as a married couple and reflects some selfishness or inability to find a compromise for both partners.

The point is, divorce means baggage. Pretending it doesn’t is naive. I actually think OP should be more open to divorced men, but I think it’s good she recognizes that it’s not as straightforward. I also think it can be problematic if you’re older and want a shortened courtship because you want marriage/kids to happen quickly. Because I personally think it’s a mistake generally when people remarry quickly. So it impacts timelines.

Have you tried dating whomever and developing the relationship and communicating the kind of man worth marrying to him?

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Anonymous wrote:My friend is 35, good guy, just got divorced (they just got married too young and grew apart, no kids). He meets people online.

Sloppy man alert. There is a reason he is divorced. Find a man who focused on career achievements vs early life marriage. No need to dumpster dive.

PP here, far from it, my friend is very successful, in part their careers being far apart made it hard for them (I'm friends with both of them).

But hey, being judgmental is a great way to never end up with anyone. I mean, what if they're divorced something must be wrong but if they're still single must be something wrong, so just give up?

No offense, but unless you have been in an intimate relationship with him you don't know how he ( or she is as a partner) there's a lot of great and successful people out there that make good friends, even great boyfrends, but terrible husbands.

I can absolutely understand throwing out guys with kids for obvious reasons. But a guy could be divorced in his upper 30s for plenty of reasons, some being that the wife was terrible. To restrict that potential dating pool seems foolhardy to me.

The pool of guys who are divorced in their late 30s just because their wife was terrible and through no fault of their own is extremly small Trust me on this.

Second wives are very good at convincing themselves that wife #1 was "terrible" because it makes them feel less like they are getting sloppy seconds. So I've heard this a lot.

What's funny is that most of these women should be thanking those first wives. I know a number of men who made all their stupid man mistakes in their first marriage. Then when they remarry, they understand very acutely aware of what it takes to be a good partner because the messed it up so badly the first time. I've seen this happen more than once. Some okay guy is a crappy husband to first wife, who gets fed up and dumps him, and then he suddenly gets it together for second wife when he realizes he is not capable or interesting enough to survive as a single person for long.

Okay but aren’t these men usually the ones who marry early amd divorce in their 20s…not the ones who divorce in their late 30s?

I know a couple people who married out of college but then had to go long distance for careers or education and then ended up breaking up when they were able to live together again. No one has to be the bad guy, people grow apart sometimes.

I met my husband at 30, through online dating. He’s the kind of guy that probably would do well online dating ... 6’2, cute, humble, good job, athletic, well traveled + down to earth. I got lucky. I remember I panicked that year about turning 30 and the dating pool was horrible. Many seemed great from their profiles but had snarky or bitter personalities. Like others have said, open your mind up to dating sometime that doesn’t check every single box, in particular ones that have no bearing on what your life will be like as a married couple like his height.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:My friend is 35, good guy, just got divorced (they just got married too young and grew apart, no kids). He meets people online.

Sloppy man alert. There is a reason he is divorced. Find a man who focused on career achievements vs early life marriage. No need to dumpster dive.

PP here, far from it, my friend is very successful, in part their careers being far apart made it hard for them (I'm friends with both of them).

But hey, being judgmental is a great way to never end up with anyone. I mean, what if they're divorced something must be wrong but if they're still single must be something wrong, so just give up?

No offense, but unless you have been in an intimate relationship with him you don't know how he ( or she is as a partner) there's a lot of great and successful people out there that make good friends, even great boyfrends, but terrible husbands.

I can absolutely understand throwing out guys with kids for obvious reasons. But a guy could be divorced in his upper 30s for plenty of reasons, some being that the wife was terrible. To restrict that potential dating pool seems foolhardy to me.

The pool of guys who are divorced in their late 30s just because their wife was terrible and through no fault of their own is extremly small Trust me on this.

Second wives are very good at convincing themselves that wife #1 was "terrible" because it makes them feel less like they are getting sloppy seconds. So I've heard this a lot.

What's funny is that most of these women should be thanking those first wives. I know a number of men who made all their stupid man mistakes in their first marriage. Then when they remarry, they understand very acutely aware of what it takes to be a good partner because the messed it up so badly the first time. I've seen this happen more than once. Some okay guy is a crappy husband to first wife, who gets fed up and dumps him, and then he suddenly gets it together for second wife when he realizes he is not capable or interesting enough to survive as a single person for long.

Okay but aren’t these men usually the ones who marry early amd divorce in their 20s…not the ones who divorce in their late 30s?

No, 20s guys who divorce can chalk it up to a starter marriage. Divorce in your late 30s can bring on deep introspection, therapy and self-work to improve.

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Anonymous wrote:My friend is 35, good guy, just got divorced (they just got married too young and grew apart, no kids). He meets people online.

Sloppy man alert. There is a reason he is divorced. Find a man who focused on career achievements vs early life marriage. No need to dumpster dive.

PP here, far from it, my friend is very successful, in part their careers being far apart made it hard for them (I'm friends with both of them).

But hey, being judgmental is a great way to never end up with anyone. I mean, what if they're divorced something must be wrong but if they're still single must be something wrong, so just give up?

No offense, but unless you have been in an intimate relationship with him you don't know how he ( or she is as a partner) there's a lot of great and successful people out there that make good friends, even great boyfrends, but terrible husbands.

I can absolutely understand throwing out guys with kids for obvious reasons. But a guy could be divorced in his upper 30s for plenty of reasons, some being that the wife was terrible. To restrict that potential dating pool seems foolhardy to me.

The pool of guys who are divorced in their late 30s just because their wife was terrible and through no fault of their own is extremly small Trust me on this.

Second wives are very good at convincing themselves that wife #1 was "terrible" because it makes them feel less like they are getting sloppy seconds. So I've heard this a lot.

What's funny is that most of these women should be thanking those first wives. I know a number of men who made all their stupid man mistakes in their first marriage. Then when they remarry, they understand very acutely aware of what it takes to be a good partner because the messed it up so badly the first time. I've seen this happen more than once. Some okay guy is a crappy husband to first wife, who gets fed up and dumps him, and then he suddenly gets it together for second wife when he realizes he is not capable or interesting enough to survive as a single person for long.

Okay but aren’t these men usually the ones who marry early amd divorce in their 20s…not the ones who divorce in their late 30s?

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What places? I'm a happily married man, but I have single male friends in that age range.

Primarily dating apps and websites. Meeting people in person is extremely difficult.

What's difficult about meeting in person? My single male friends in that age range often don't use apps. The reason is they assume (correctly or not) that any woman on there is getting inundated with messages from guys, and it's also less personal.

Try in person.

It’s harder post covid due to masking. That’s a huge barrier to serendipitous meeting

This has gotta be a troll. OP laments there are no good men, then has an excuse for every suggestion.

I was in some bars on Friday that had outdoor terraces. Everyone was unmasked. I even walked up and talked to random people. Amazing!

I wasn’t op — I meant in a non bar setting.