Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 09:00     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


You have made multiple angry references to conversations you had with your friends and family before the wedding and how you felt they didn’t dissuade you, as if that was their responsibility. It wasn’t.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 09:00     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
So you don't care about your kids at all? What kind of poor pathetic excuse for a mom are you?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:59     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


Because you blame other people for why you made that mistake!


I do not blame them. I allowed myself to be influenced by them when I should have been honest with many self about what is important to me. I own it. Can we get off that part now?


Nah. I still think you're an awful person who is selfish and just wants everyone to pity her. You're extremely unlikable
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:58     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
OP, get a divorce. If you get married again, make sure your "values" line up for wealth and how you plan to spend it. Having both people in the marriage work high stress job doesn't come without its own issues. And your next husband may not his hard earned 'money going to houses for his step kids.

You seem to have this romantic idea of what happens if you divorce. Have you actually thought about the realities of it?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:58     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


Because you blame other people for why you made that mistake!


I do not blame them. I allowed myself to be influenced by them when I should have been honest with many self about what is important to me. I own it. Can we get off that part now?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:58     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


Holy smokes. You married a good man with a decent job, and you have continually referred to the fact that he is satisfied with a comfortable life and does not need to earn big bucks as "ruining your life."

Do you really not understand how that makes people (rational people, anyway) see you?
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:56     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


You need therapy. Your life isn’t ruined by your DH. Your “core values” are ruining your life. You need to examine them.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:55     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.


Because you blame other people for why you made that mistake!
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:54     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.


I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.



Yes OP, it's all about you. Do your kids and husband a favor and divorce. Let them live with dad, it seems he has better values and isn't so miserable.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:53     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


What part of me acknowledging I made a huge, life ruining mistake not owning my choices? Giving context is not shirking accountability.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:52     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think this is the poster mad at her computer programmer husband for only making 120k and being content in his job.

Either way, blaming your husband for your stress is not healthy. You need to take charge of your own choices, and make changes to your own situation. Resenting him for being happier is childish.


My husband is a government worker not a programmer.


So he does make in that range. Check yourself. Your striving isn’t healthy. Learn to live within the means you can make without working yourself to death.


My other option is to divorce my husband because life sucks with someone when you do not share core values. That’s what I am leaning towards.


OP, I'm the PP who makes 3X what my DH does.

You need to reexamine the concept of "core values" and what those mean at a basic level. Also consider what your life (financial and otherwise) will look like, and what your kids' lives will look like if you divorce.

I strongly recommend that you get individual therapy before doing anything.


There's a lot of distasteful things about the OP, but chief among them is that apparently her overriding "core value" is "be wealthy." Wow.


Well that is a DCUM core tenant. OP DH is likely a GS14 or GS15, which is considered a peasant here.

That said, if is a govt worker, 90% he is not going to make big money in private industry, some lawyers with special white collar DOJ expertise maybe, or doctors, but most everyone else, gov represents a pretty solid career outcome for them. He just likely doesn’t have the skills/aptitude to make more money; a big part of it is a desire and almost obsession about money, which he clearly doesn’t have
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:51     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:I think some of us are a little confused that you did not know at least some of this before you got married:
- Did you know that he was more of a settler rather than being ambitious before you were married?
- Did you talk about how you wanted to provide for your children both while they were young and older?
- Did you/your husband know that you wanted a more traditional marriage where the husband would be the breadwinner?

It does sound like you have differing ideas about family lifestyle and the husband/wife dynamic which are pretty major. You could try counseling or you could simply move on, but make sure you discuss these matters in your next relationship.


I actually did not know he was a settler as you put it. I noticed and liked that he was very hard working, but later I learned that it came from fear. He worked very hard to get a very safe job. I didn’t realize the psychology behind that at first. I’m a striver as I was so kindly called here and he is not. Being a striver can be fun and rewarding if you share it with someone in spirit. I sincerely didn’t realize we did not share that value because again I did see work ethic in him.

I didn’t feel I needed a provider fully. I don’t even want to be a SAHM. I just want to share the “striving” burden and each have moderate stress jobs.

Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:51     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


Is your husband the one in academia? I though you have divorced him already, you have posted about this 100 times and every time people call you selfish, etc.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:50     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:I can't believe you are going to disrupt your kids lives with a divorce because you want to work a high stress job so you can buy them a house in 20 years. How does that make sense?


That's not what she wants - she wants either (i) her husband to work that job, so she can not have a lot of stress but still have a lot of financial benefits; or, more charitably, (ii) she wats both of tem to work high stress jobs so that can have lots of money. Oh, excuse me, "similar core values."

The more OP posts, the less sympathetic she becomes.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2021 08:50     Subject: I don't want to be under pressure when my DH isn't
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Lol you're a morin. Ask your kids what they would prefer.... You to pay for their wedding and a house but you get divorced and are still miserable. OR you don't provide those things but get a less stressful job and don't completely ruin their lives with a divorce.

I'm with your DH. It seems like you guys could still have a nice life if you took a lower stress job. It's not like he's forcing you to stay in your job. I also don't get why you married him.


Because he is handsome and funny, and when I expressed reservations to friends or family about his earning potential everyone called me shallow. The people calling me shallow are all married to high earners, btw. I was dumb not to level with myself about my values. Huge, life ruining mistake.


It was not the place of your family and friends to talk you out of this marriage. You need to own your choices.


It seems pretty obvious OP has zero self accountability. Everything is the fault of someone else. Can pretty much guarantee OPs parents are the cause of all this