Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trauma doesn’t always look like what you’d expect. Somebody like Pete Davidson is what most people think when they think of trauma — watching your dad die on 9/11. One big or a series of big events. But I can be cumulative. I grew up upper middle class in a stable two parent home in which I had everything I could ever want and a large loving extended family and friend group. However, my mother found a way to call me fat every day, and was generally disapproving of everything I did or said and expressed it to my face on a regular basis. No where near as bad as being a refugee or bei mg raped but it was EVERY DAY from my earliest memories until the day I left home. It can be a cumulative effect of something that seems small. I’ve never known parental approval or acceptance and that’s traumatic.

Agree with you, and I'm sorry. ❤

Agree. Ongoing traumatic stress syndrome is real and usually due to such ongoing emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. The abuse ties the line between those abuses and physical. Threats and physical bullying may emerge and things may get physical.

And give up any notion of having an intact family. It is far from interact even when living in the same house. I grieve all of it- lack of partner, lack of real father for the kids, lack of knowing how he will handle a divorce or the kids or anything in the future. My fear is he remarries and my children have to see all the abuse again once his mask comes off. Therapy for all.

Anonymous wrote:I look totally normal and happy from the outside and my DH and I have checked a ton of accomplishment boxes, but I have a super-high ACEs score, our family is filled with mentally ill relatives and early deaths, and it’s exhausting. I feel sad because I know that no matter how hard I work, my kids won’t have the strong supportive extended family that many of her peers have, and I know that will make her path more difficult. OP, I often think about the question you’ve raised and it makes me sad but also gives me a ton of compassion for people I see whose traumas are worn more obviously than mine. I think people without any major things often think smugly it’s because of something they did or earned, and from my perspective it’s just luck of the family you’re born into.

This is my current situation with a mentally ill husband and two kids, one of whom inherited the same disorder.
I had an awesome childhood and family. I was totally blindsided by this “invisible disability” and suffer verbal abuse and constant setbacks in the home due to my spouse. Leaving with the kids will be very hard but has to happen to break the cycle. I cannot have my children thinking any of this is normal and I will have to “give up” on what might happen over time or with a big accident under their fathers custody time.
It’s ruined a lot of my life currently and will going forward. All I can do is get healthy and make a good life as a single mom. Soon.

Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

Yep, this. My family didn't yell, didn't fight, really didn't argue.

When my now husband and I would have a disagreement, it felt like the end of the world to me. It's not that my family avoided it, it just didn't really happen.

My husband grew up with an asshole father and a weak mother so while he didn't want to be anything like his dad, it didn't stress him out if we argued.

We've worked through it and are very happy but that was hard for me to deal with. I wouldn't change my childhood, but we do now make a conscious effort to let our children see us handle any disagreements. We don't fight in front of them but we will let them know if we disagree and we discuss how to work through it.

It’s interesting that you assume that people who identify as having experienced trauma did not experience trauma, without knowing details of what happened or how it affected them. People often feel more secure telling themselves and others that “it couldn’t happen to me” because they cope in a certain way or have a certain outlook.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unicorn here. Great family life growing up, mom stayed home until we were in MS, then worked PT. They are still happily married 50 years now.

I am happily married for 20+ years, 2 kids (great kids, not perfect because we are all human), and my parents live nearby. Sometimes we see them 3 times a week, and sometimes not at all for 3 months, depending on what is happening in our lives and theirs.

I am happy, healthy, and I always thought regular/normal. My guess is people post when they are are unhappy or stressed or experiencing something they need help with. When things are just normal, we don't really talk about it because there is nothing to say. Does that make sense?

Why are you posting? The take away for you should be understanding and empathy. People around you are struggling and that struggling plays out with varying degrees of behavior that may be foreign to you.

Do you understand? The take away for you should be….don’t hurt people because you don’t understand their behavior. Is this a teachable moment for you?

The first poster is responding to the question on what it’s like to grow up without trauma. Are you so hurt that you open this thread but can even read the answers?

Exactly. DP. I also agree with another poster who says that the word of and concept of "trauma" are overplayed today. Somehow we have reached a state where everyone is a Drama Queen or King. There has to be angst and dismay or a life isn't being lived.

It is really very unhealthy, this whole thought that people need to wear their "trauma" so that they feel validated by the responses. It is like we have an entire generation that has failed to mature and they are stuck in early emotional development.

Erikson says that achieving competency in each stage of emotional development motivates behaviors and actions to higher levels of competency. Rather than focus on the perceived trauma and their own inadequacies people need to focus on how to master the perceived inadequacies to develop a better ego quality. There needs to be a balance between understanding the world is unpredictable and knowing that you have the ability to manage what is inconsistent and to still achieve. Many times the people focused on their "trauma" can't get the knack of the balance and it is sad.

I had a pretty good childhood. Single mom that made ends meet but definitely was always a source of stress. My dad, who was in and out of my life died when I was in high school. Basically my mom did the best she could and felt very loved. I remember having to get ready for school on my own when I was young kid because my mom had to go to work very early in the am. I was literally 6 and 7 Getting totally ready for school on my own and walking to school. I remember being very scared in winter when it was still dark out when I woke up. I haven’t thought about in years but my kids are this age now and it blows my mind. I am now very career focused and went to law school to make money. It worked out.