Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Interesting - OP’s complaint is essentially that he was selfish for too long. Now she can be selfish and leave just after he has done the work etc. I do hope her husband finds a better partner, if that is his choice post divorce

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Interesting - OP’s complaint is essentially that he was selfish for too long. Now she can be selfish and leave just after he has done the work etc. I do hope her husband finds a better partner, if that is his choice post divorce

Anonymous wrote:It's okay to leave a marriage, if it isn't what you want. Even after 20 years. Even after he tried hard to fix the problem. Sometimes it goes that way. Be kind to him, but take care of yourself. You don't have to stay for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

Well surprise, he (finally) noticed, wanted to work it out, (finally) agreed we should go to therapy. He had hit a professional rock bottom and turned to meditation and read multiple books and realized a lot of his previous mindset was his own ego. My heart was so closed and my feelings toward him had changed so significantly but I knew trying therapy was important, if nothing else as a last resort to ensure we had tried everything. We have been in couples for 9 months and we have made incredible progress in terms of open communication, sharing feelings, being intentional toward one another.

But I still just...don't love him romantically. I recognize and truly appreciate the work he has done. I feel a fondness for him and our history (almost 20 years). But I sometimes feel uncomfortable when we kiss, have sex (I have shared all this with him and he is understanding).

I'm/We're struggling with what to do next. Recently I reiterated that for the last few months of otherwise good progress my feelings toward him haven't changed. I think he found that really disheartening and I completely, completely understand why. But I also can't just pretend. It's been such a painful process to see the work we've put in and really try to be invested but not have it materialize. We're in a good position in all other aspects -- we've talked in detail about our plan if we were to divorce, we're as comfortable as can be with how it might "look" from a custody and financial perspective.

I've been doing my own work on the side, individual therapy for this whole time, reading, also trying to be intentional and affectionate when I do feel positively toward him and talking about it with him when I don't. My individual therapist suggested I need to try to figure out whether my pain and hurt is from past injuries that are still unresolved or whether my intuition is telling me what I want and I am ignoring it/forcing something that isn't there.

I guess I don't have a question just needed to put it out there. Anyone been in this situation and what happened?

He only changed because his career ambitions petered out. Next upswing or chance to go gung ho, he will be up to old habits. But he was never truly invested in you, he is just using you and the family to stoke his ego since he can’t be a career man he’ll be a family man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger.

as one or two posters earlier said, love is a choice and action
suppose you choose to perform one act of love day
every day, with out expectation
and see how he responds/reacts now that he said he is willing to try
and you do that for a day, month, maybe a year.
brick by brick, step by step. just one loving action a day.
do you not think there is a chance for deep love to come back?

Anonymous wrote:This thread describes exactly why there are so many divorces at the time the kids go off to college. Two strangers are left together if you didn’t do the work on the relationship and keep it fresh, got counseling when at a standstill, had dates and interests together outside of the kids, etc.

Op it’s incredibly common.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like you were and still are checked out of the marriage so what's does the other stuff matter? It doesn't.

I was checked out yes, and I’ve checked back “in” but not all the way in, which is something we’re both aware of and have discussed. It’s getting impossible for both of us to live this way but we are trying not to just give up because it’s easier. We’re trying but I also can’t force myself to feel connected to him and to love him fully again.

This is the problem despite everything else you mention regardless of your DH's progress. You're either checked in or out. Standing in the doorway doesn't work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It hit me hard when you said he now sees how great your kids are. That's a decade of trust right there. Not sure I could recover from that alone. Other suggest more therapy, more talking, more everything. I'm exhausted for you. I'd dip out of therapy and let him continue solo. Therapist should guide him from here. There's not much more you can contribute. It's his turn to do the work. You need to get back to the business of you. He must start walking the talk, first and foremost with your kids. He needs to earn their trust back. You need to feel secure that you can trust him to be the dad he wasn't. For now, don't think in terms of a timeline. Get to a point where you can like him again. Trust facilitates love, whatever that may be in this stage of your lives. I hope it happens for you. But you also seem very capable if it doesn't.

Sorry for the lengthy response. 💕

+1 He needs to do his own work and you need space. Maybe even consider living apart for a while and go for less, but more successful time together.

Trust more than anything else takes significant time to regain.

Anonymous wrote:I just discovered this term and found this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/200803/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome#:~:text=During%20the%20early%20years%20of,is%20right%20in%20the%20world. and I was shocked at the accuracy. I've been spending years in my marriage asking my spouse for more help, more time together, more engagement in the family as a unit, and asked to go to therapy multiple times over the years. Things finally came to a head right before covid when I basically pleaded with him for more support and he said he is "too ambitious" and could never give me the additional support I need. I felt the marriage was over, completely disconnected from him outside of simple logistical matters, and grieved the end of my marriage and wondered what I would do.

Well surprise, he (finally) noticed, wanted to work it out, (finally) agreed we should go to therapy. He had hit a professional rock bottom and turned to meditation and read multiple books and realized a lot of his previous mindset was his own ego. My heart was so closed and my feelings toward him had changed so significantly but I knew trying therapy was important, if nothing else as a last resort to ensure we had tried everything. We have been in couples for 9 months and we have made incredible progress in terms of open communication, sharing feelings, being intentional toward one another.

But I still just...don't love him romantically. I recognize and truly appreciate the work he has done. I feel a fondness for him and our history (almost 20 years). But I sometimes feel uncomfortable when we kiss, have sex (I have shared all this with him and he is understanding).

I'm/We're struggling with what to do next. Recently I reiterated that for the last few months of otherwise good progress my feelings toward him haven't changed. I think he found that really disheartening and I completely, completely understand why. But I also can't just pretend. It's been such a painful process to see the work we've put in and really try to be invested but not have it materialize. We're in a good position in all other aspects -- we've talked in detail about our plan if we were to divorce, we're as comfortable as can be with how it might "look" from a custody and financial perspective.

I've been doing my own work on the side, individual therapy for this whole time, reading, also trying to be intentional and affectionate when I do feel positively toward him and talking about it with him when I don't. My individual therapist suggested I need to try to figure out whether my pain and hurt is from past injuries that are still unresolved or whether my intuition is telling me what I want and I am ignoring it/forcing something that isn't there.

I guess I don't have a question just needed to put it out there. Anyone been in this situation and what happened?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost respect for him bc he ignored you and now you’re not sexually attracted to him. Divorce.

But wait, she loved him when he kicked butt professionally. Just not now that he professionally hit rock bottom. He doesn't look so hot now.

Wow, could you have missed the point any more? That’s clearly not what OP relates. Methinks you are projecting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To your questions, sometimes I have flickers and thoughts and love that tell me I COULD do those things and live a life with him in this new relationship, even if it means I never fully love him as deeply as I did. But then I think it’s so painful, sometimes even physically painful, to feel like living that life with the deep love. And that I deserve a partner who sees me as an equal, respects my feelings/needs, and whom I love deeply and fully. Those flickers are what are keeping me in right now, hoping that they turn into something larger.

as one or two posters earlier said, love is a choice and action
suppose you choose to perform one act of love day
every day, with out expectation
and see how he responds/reacts now that he said he is willing to try
and you do that for a day, month, maybe a year.
brick by brick, step by step. just one loving action a day.
do you not think there is a chance for deep love to come back?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost respect for him bc he ignored you and now you’re not sexually attracted to him. Divorce.

But wait, she loved him when he kicked butt professionally. Just not now that he professionally hit rock bottom. He doesn't look so hot now.

Anonymous wrote:
It hit me hard when you said he now sees how great your kids are. That's a decade of trust right there. Not sure I could recover from that alone. Other suggest more therapy, more talking, more everything. I'm exhausted for you. I'd dip out of therapy and let him continue solo. Therapist should guide him from here. There's not much more you can contribute. It's his turn to do the work. You need to get back to the business of you. He must start walking the talk, first and foremost with your kids. He needs to earn their trust back. You need to feel secure that you can trust him to be the dad he wasn't. For now, don't think in terms of a timeline. Get to a point where you can like him again. Trust facilitates love, whatever that may be in this stage of your lives. I hope it happens for you. But you also seem very capable if it doesn't.

Sorry for the lengthy response. 💕

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost respect for him bc he ignored you and now you’re not sexually attracted to him. Divorce.

But wait, she loved him when he kicked butt professionally. Just not now that he professionally hit rock bottom. He doesn't look so hot now.