Anonymous wrote:No one is entitled to impose into anyone else’s life so by definition the people doing the cutting off are always on the “right side”. The attitude that your adult children owe you something is exactly what leads to estrangement.

This is a bizarre attitude. Of course in truly abusive situations, people need to protect themselves. But your mom or MIL irritates you by giving you parenting advice? Get over yourself. You do owe your family members loyalty and respect, even if you disagree with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all parents who were cut off are deserving as one might think. No one questions the person who instigates the estrangement, despite no information. They just always always get carte blanche. Watch this develop here...flames will engulf this entire thread.

Narcissism occurs in many ways.

There's a lot of literature on the subject lately- The Atlantic, The Economist. NY Times, etc. This has seeped into American culture in ways that are surprising.

There is not actually a lot of literature out on this lately. There is one academic in particular with a new book where he takes the view that estrangement is about a younger generation self-actualizing and judging too hard, rather than adult children leaving abusive families. This academic and this book has the world’s best press agent - honestly, I hope one of you all can tell me who is doing this PR because I have my own project to hire them for — and as a result, the coverage has been picked up by multiple high-tier/legacy media outlets. You’ll notice almost all these articles make a brief, breezy references to the “understandable” possible culprits behind estrangement: addiction/untreated mental health issues, and abuse — as if addiction, untreated mental health issues and abuse are rare, exotic, unusual things, instead of rampant, minimized or outright covered up. It’s totally bizarre. Be sure to read the comments from adult kids under the NYT piece, they are right on the money.

Sincerely,
Estranged from my family of origin, including parent, sibling and aunt, because they either emotionally/psychologically abused me, sexually abused me, enabled on of the other relatives’ abuse, or would steal my wallet within 20 min if I ever even let them in the house for a glass of water.
I am NOT the outlier story among adult children who are estranged.

No, you just want support for something you feel the need to justify, right or wrong. But you don't get to assign blame on an entire generation or anyone of estrangement just because of your situation. Of course there's a ton written about this...the millennials practically own this right, and now people are looking at this through a different lense. Feel free to research, if you don't believe me. Secondly, it's become a very America thing, also interesting. I'm sure the NYT kids had a field day with their arguments. Still doesn't justify everyone's situation.
As said above, narcissism runs both ways.

Not that poster and not estranged from my parents but YOU are the one arguing it is common and there is all this literature out there about it so why is the onus on other people to go search for that? Presumably you have seen and read it all, so post some links or STFU.

Well, you are that poster, lol, and your STFU statement actually bolsters the claim...so much immaturity. Just try to grow up, but I think it's too late.

Anonymous wrote:I’ll bet it is more common, and I’ll bet the reason is technology. If having someone “in your life” meant you saw them once a year (or less), no decisive action was required to change that. If having someone in your life means they text you all the time and tag you in annoying Facebook posts and feel entitled to instant access via Skype or Facetime…more decisive action has to occur to cut all of that off.

Agree.i could have kept my mom in my life MAYBE if I only saw her once a year. Actually now I am doubting it ...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all parents who were cut off are deserving as one might think. No one questions the person who instigates the estrangement, despite no information. They just always always get carte blanche. Watch this develop here...flames will engulf this entire thread.

Narcissism occurs in many ways.

There's a lot of literature on the subject lately- The Atlantic, The Economist. NY Times, etc. This has seeped into American culture in ways that are surprising.

There is not actually a lot of literature out on this lately. There is one academic in particular with a new book where he takes the view that estrangement is about a younger generation self-actualizing and judging too hard, rather than adult children leaving abusive families. This academic and this book has the world’s best press agent - honestly, I hope one of you all can tell me who is doing this PR because I have my own project to hire them for — and as a result, the coverage has been picked up by multiple high-tier/legacy media outlets. You’ll notice almost all these articles make a brief, breezy references to the “understandable” possible culprits behind estrangement: addiction/untreated mental health issues, and abuse — as if addiction, untreated mental health issues and abuse are rare, exotic, unusual things, instead of rampant, minimized or outright covered up. It’s totally bizarre. Be sure to read the comments from adult kids under the NYT piece, they are right on the money.

Sincerely,
Estranged from my family of origin, including parent, sibling and aunt, because they either emotionally/psychologically abused me, sexually abused me, enabled on of the other relatives’ abuse, or would steal my wallet within 20 min if I ever even let them in the house for a glass of water.
I am NOT the outlier story among adult children who are estranged.

No, you just want support for something you feel the need to justify, right or wrong. But you don't get to assign blame on an entire generation or anyone of estrangement just because of your situation. Of course there's a ton written about this...the millennials practically own this right, and now people are looking at this through a different lense. Feel free to research, if you don't believe me. Secondly, it's become a very America thing, also interesting. I'm sure the NYT kids had a field day with their arguments. Still doesn't justify everyone's situation.
As said above, narcissism runs both ways.

Not that poster and not estranged from my parents but YOU are the one arguing it is common and there is all this literature out there about it so why is the onus on other people to go search for that? Presumably you have seen and read it all, so post some links or STFU.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad cut me off because his wife said he had to choose between her and me. I was in my 20s and though my parents had been divorced for 20+ years, she systematically cut off his past. First she removed every picture of me and my sibling from his house, then they moved in together and only pictures of her children (15 or so years older than me and my sibling) were permitted to be displayed. And my dad just went along with it. She systematically erased his past, starting with me.

She did this because...you were a b*tch? Why?

How do you know this? Were you there when your stepmother said this? If not, it is highly possible your father is telling you b.s. or you are telling us b.s.

I’ll bet it is more common, and I’ll bet the reason is technology. If having someone “in your life” meant you saw them once a year (or less), no decisive action was required to change that. If having someone in your life means they text you all the time and tag you in annoying Facebook posts and feel entitled to instant access via Skype or Facetime…more decisive action has to occur to cut all of that off.

Anonymous wrote:My dad cut me off because his wife said he had to choose between her and me. I was in my 20s and though my parents had been divorced for 20+ years, she systematically cut off his past. First she removed every picture of me and my sibling from his house, then they moved in together and only pictures of her children (15 or so years older than me and my sibling) were permitted to be displayed. And my dad just went along with it. She systematically erased his past, starting with me.

She did this because...you were a b*tch? Why?

My dad cut me off because his wife said he had to choose between her and me. I was in my 20s and though my parents had been divorced for 20+ years, she systematically cut off his past. First she removed every picture of me and my sibling from his house, then they moved in together and only pictures of her children (15 or so years older than me and my sibling) were permitted to be displayed. And my dad just went along with it. She systematically erased his past, starting with me.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think estrangement is totally fine, and I have zero problem if it's more common now than it was in the past (although I'm not sure I buy that -- I think it may just be more in the open now).

Estrangement is not ideal. But I think every adult should have the right to decide who they are in a relationship with.

Just like divorce is not ideal, but do you want to force people to stay married?

Divorce was less common 50+ years ago. I know some people think things were all hunky dory back then. No. It was just that women could not get away, because most women couldn't get jobs, credit cards, or overcome the stigma of being divorced. Many were stuck in abusive marriages. So, being able to get divorced is BETTER. Not ideal, but better than the alternative.

Now you can gripe all you want about people who you believe divorced frivolously or became estranged frivolously, but you didn't walk in their shoes, so you don't know jack, Judgy.

And actually the people who whine about estrangements remind me a lot of the people who cry about divorces ruining "the fabric of society." Seems like they don't want women OR adult children to have any choice or autonomy.

If you are not party to an estrangement, I don't actually even get your interest in the topic. Butt out, mind your own business, move along, worry about yourself etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not all parents who were cut off are deserving as one might think. No one questions the person who instigates the estrangement, despite no information. They just always always get carte blanche. Watch this develop here...flames will engulf this entire thread.

Narcissism occurs in many ways.

There's a lot of literature on the subject lately- The Atlantic, The Economist. NY Times, etc. This has seeped into American culture in ways that are surprising.

There is not actually a lot of literature out on this lately. There is one academic in particular with a new book where he takes the view that estrangement is about a younger generation self-actualizing and judging too hard, rather than adult children leaving abusive families. This academic and this book has the world’s best press agent - honestly, I hope one of you all can tell me who is doing this PR because I have my own project to hire them for — and as a result, the coverage has been picked up by multiple high-tier/legacy media outlets. You’ll notice almost all these articles make a brief, breezy references to the “understandable” possible culprits behind estrangement: addiction/untreated mental health issues, and abuse — as if addiction, untreated mental health issues and abuse are rare, exotic, unusual things, instead of rampant, minimized or outright covered up. It’s totally bizarre. Be sure to read the comments from adult kids under the NYT piece, they are right on the money.

Sincerely,
Estranged from my family of origin, including parent, sibling and aunt, because they either emotionally/psychologically abused me, sexually abused me, enabled on of the other relatives’ abuse, or would steal my wallet within 20 min if I ever even let them in the house for a glass of water.
I am NOT the outlier story among adult children who are estranged.

No, you just want support for something you feel the need to justify, right or wrong. But you don't get to assign blame on an entire generation or anyone of estrangement just because of your situation. Of course there's a ton written about this...the millennials practically own this right, and now people are looking at this through a different lense. Feel free to research, if you don't believe me. Secondly, it's become a very America thing, also interesting. I'm sure the NYT kids had a field day with their arguments. Still doesn't justify everyone's situation.
As said above, narcissism runs both ways.

Anonymous wrote:Not all parents who were cut off are deserving as one might think. No one questions the person who instigates the estrangement, despite no information. They just always always get carte blanche. Watch this develop here...flames will engulf this entire thread.

Narcissism occurs in many ways.

There's a lot of literature on the subject lately- The Atlantic, The Economist. NY Times, etc. This has seeped into American culture in ways that are surprising.

There is not actually a lot of literature out on this lately. There is one academic in particular with a new book where he takes the view that estrangement is about a younger generation self-actualizing and judging too hard, rather than adult children leaving abusive families. This academic and this book has the world’s best press agent - honestly, I hope one of you all can tell me who is doing this PR because I have my own project to hire them for — and as a result, the coverage has been picked up by multiple high-tier/legacy media outlets. You’ll notice almost all these articles make a brief, breezy references to the “understandable” possible culprits behind estrangement: addiction/untreated mental health issues, and abuse — as if addiction, untreated mental health issues and abuse are rare, exotic, unusual things, instead of rampant, minimized or outright covered up. It’s totally bizarre. Be sure to read the comments from adult kids under the NYT piece, they are right on the money.

Sincerely,
Estranged from my family of origin, including parent, sibling and aunt, because they either emotionally/psychologically abused me, sexually abused me, enabled on of the other relatives’ abuse, or would steal my wallet within 20 min if I ever even let them in the house for a glass of water.
I am NOT the outlier story among adult children who are estranged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry what's your point?. Are you upset that it's easier to cut off s***** family members than it used to be?

No, I think it's more common. The Atlantic article said it's more common. Other people disagree. I'm trying to figure out why they think it's not more common now than it used to be. And, for the record, I haven't cut anyone out nor do I know anyone who has. I'm not a grandmother either, my kids are quite young.

It seems more common now because of how easy it is the keep in touch. My grandmother lived an ocean away from her family. They wrote letters, but almost never saw each other. This was how most of her life went. If her parents were toxic-af we'd have no idea. If things soured, all you had to do was...stop writing letters. But now when your mother can text you emotional manipulation right to your cell phone that you read in the middle of history class, it might seem more prudent to set firmer boundaries.

That's my point who cares if it's more common? People get cut off for a variety of reasons and it usually is yours and years of things building up over time. Just because in the past people relied more on extended family and lived closer to them making it harder to cut them off does not mean that they should not have been cut off if they could have been. I do not believe that anyone owes anyone else an unhealthy relationship let alone adults who have the choices of how and who they want to spend their time with.

How about stop being a s***** person and maybe people won't want to cut you off.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry what's your point?. Are you upset that it's easier to cut off s***** family members than it used to be?

No, I think it's more common. The Atlantic article said it's more common. Other people disagree. I'm trying to figure out why they think it's not more common now than it used to be. And, for the record, I haven't cut anyone out nor do I know anyone who has. I'm not a grandmother either, my kids are quite young.

I'm sorry what's your point?. Are you upset that it's easier to cut off s***** family members than it used to be?