Anonymous wrote:Is it possible he morphed from someone who wanted to be an involved BF, almost "stepdadish" with helping with homework and soccer, into disengaged and jealous because you were complaining about how he let YOU down and prioritized his kids over you?

I've found that dating after divorce with kids is just hard no matter what, and you can't count on finding a better situation if you decide to just dump him. Might be worth trying a little harder to communicate better, and enjoy the time you have together when you don't have your kids. I personally wouldn't directly say or even imply that the person I'm exclusively dating is not my priority (although they may figure that out by my actions). There are ways you can make him feel prioritized, even when you can't be with him, like by sending nice texts, answering calls, etc.

Good luck.

Wow great insight and maybe, yes!! He was dressing up for Halloween, planning kid centered outings, etc and now he’s kind of gone awol. I never complained about his prioritizing his own kid however, so that’s not why. He is like a dense box when it comes to his own kid- he literally does not/cannot listen to anyone else including the kid himself!!

He’s also a not a very good listener in general, and major man-splainer who never knows he’s doing it. When I discuss something complex he immediately fades out. Once we were in a grocery store checkout and he mansplained me so hard that the checker called him out and sort of jokingly forced him to apologize to me. That was actually a cool moment because it shook his sense of and momentarily paused his complete arrogance for a hot second. I think he’s just faded out rather than continue to be present in retaliation for my “busyness”. I was too busy to notice this, however…

After I read this I sent him a loving little text message. Hey babe looking forward to seeing yah soon! Etc. I don’t know relationships are hard wtf. I agree- what other BF would be any better? Other than the wondering experience falling in love prekids with the love of your
life, what can I even hope for? Kind of seems like “pick your poison” to me…

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorced 46 year old mom of two teenagers. They alternate one week with me/one week with their Dad. My 58 almost 59 year old boyfriend recently had a tantrum and continues to pout about how low he is on my totem pole of obligations. I pretty well laughed at his childish behavior, and for suggesting he is in competition with my kids for my attention. He also has 100% forgotten how he “prioritizes” his older kid over me. I just never have felt threatened or bothered by it- seems like normal parenting. Is this a man-baby problem? Or what?

How do you deal with this? When we are together, I am very attentive. I’m feeling surprised and stuck because I certainly won’t dial back on my Mom role.

Please dump this loser.

Yes please! My kids respect would be important. They are seeing this loser for what he is.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a divorced 46 year old mom of two teenagers. They alternate one week with me/one week with their Dad. My 58 almost 59 year old boyfriend recently had a tantrum and continues to pout about how low he is on my totem pole of obligations. I pretty well laughed at his childish behavior, and for suggesting he is in competition with my kids for my attention. He also has 100% forgotten how he “prioritizes” his older kid over me. I just never have felt threatened or bothered by it- seems like normal parenting. Is this a man-baby problem? Or what?

How do you deal with this? When we are together, I am very attentive. I’m feeling surprised and stuck because I certainly won’t dial back on my Mom role.

Please dump this loser.

Is it possible he morphed from someone who wanted to be an involved BF, almost "stepdadish" with helping with homework and soccer, into disengaged and jealous because you were complaining about how he let YOU down and prioritized his kids over you?

I've found that dating after divorce with kids is just hard no matter what, and you can't count on finding a better situation if you decide to just dump him. Might be worth trying a little harder to communicate better, and enjoy the time you have together when you don't have your kids. I personally wouldn't directly say or even imply that the person I'm exclusively dating is not my priority (although they may figure that out by my actions). There are ways you can make him feel prioritized, even when you can't be with him, like by sending nice texts, answering calls, etc.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that you could be in love with a man who doesn't understand why a mom would prioritize her children over her boyfriend.

Well, I fell in love with him before I knew he'd be such a jealous baby. But he is truly EXCELLENT (I'm talking first place and I am an experienced woman ) in bed, a great cook, intellectual, very handsome, can swing a hammer and land an airplane, and an all-around lot of fun. Who wouldn't fall in love with him?! But as he's gradually increased his fussing, I've gradually become less "in love", if you will.

Sorry, but no one has what you have, a great lover yet a terrible partner. They're usually broken up at this point. It's inevitable. Try to enjoy it while you can.

Yes it’s a challenge to find a person who can be both. Will do ❤️

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But are you ditching him? Of course you’re a MOM but he shouldn’t be at the bottom of your list. Boyfriends and girlfriends should be pretty high. I consider toddler years intense. High school shouldn’t be so intense.

High school years are actually very intense.
Helping kids with college apps, driving them all over the place, keeping an eye so they don’t get into drugs, drinking, etc., getting to know their friends as peer influence is huge at this point + emotionally, kids have a roller coaster of emotions in the teen years
. You also want to spend time with them since they will be out of the house soon. I found the teen years much more intense than toddlerhood.

OP here thanks for this. Mine are in easy HS and I agree 100%. I wish I didn’t have such an intense job but I’d do so when I’m off, I’m all in with kid stuff. Possibly to my own detriment but whatever the point is that they are my priority come heII or high water. Perhaps BF will be collateral damage. Divorce sucks don’t do it!

Anonymous wrote:But are you ditching him? Of course you’re a MOM but he shouldn’t be at the bottom of your list. Boyfriends and girlfriends should be pretty high. I consider toddler years intense. High school shouldn’t be so intense.

High school years are actually very intense.
Helping kids with college apps, driving them all over the place, keeping an eye so they don’t get into drugs, drinking, etc., getting to know their friends as peer influence is huge at this point + emotionally, kids have a roller coaster of emotions in the teen years
. You also want to spend time with them since they will be out of the house soon. I found the teen years much more intense than toddlerhood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that you could be in love with a man who doesn't understand why a mom would prioritize her children over her boyfriend.

Well, I fell in love with him before I knew he'd be such a jealous baby. But he is truly EXCELLENT (I'm talking first place and I am an experienced woman ) in bed, a great cook, intellectual, very handsome, can swing a hammer and land an airplane, and an all-around lot of fun. Who wouldn't fall in love with him?! But as he's gradually increased his fussing, I've gradually become less "in love", if you will.

Sorry, but no one has what you have, a great lover yet a terrible partner. They're usually broken up at this point. It's inevitable. Try to enjoy it while you can.

Anonymous wrote:Dump him!

My neighbor chose her boyfriend over her kids and she is lucky to see them 4x a year.

Can believe she gave up her grand kids for this dolt.

Oh that’s so sad. Some grandparents don’t give a #%^* about grandkids. They want to do their own thing and maybe get a photo of the first day of school. At least that’s how my parents are.

Anonymous wrote:But are you ditching him? Of course you’re a MOM but he shouldn’t be at the bottom of your list. Boyfriends and girlfriends should be pretty high. I consider toddler years intense. High school shouldn’t be so intense.

I’m not really ditching him or fully devoting myself
to him, at this point. I’m trying to keep a long view by focusing my precious kids first by far, and my open down time plus some dots of relationship maintenance (dates, Facetimes, etc) during my busiest time is for him. I do have spans of time when I am not actively Mom’ing, as many of you can relate. My HS kids are gone to school/sports a lot. But my mind and heart are always primarily occupied with my children. I won’t take well to college move out and empty nesting, I can already tell. I’m like “pre-sad” about it.

Thanks for comments and various points of view. Taking it day by day and trying to be a nice, thoughtful person is all I can do. If he asks directly for more time/focus on him, I will continue to stand my mom ground. When he disappears into one of his pouting sessions, he comes back because he misses me. 🤷‍♀️. Fine…

Post-marriage relationship with kids is very different than how I’d relate to a husband. I have to keep that in mind since as someone mentioned earlier, this man seems unlikely to be at my side when I get old or if/when I get cancer etc. Heck, he’s already old(er), himself!

Anonymous wrote:I'd dump him. I don't need that crap in my life.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hypothetical question, in a marriage, do you ladies think kids come first, or spouse? Bc if any woman is not willing to put their spouse first, it is going to cause a problem, and even though BF is not a spouse, if she aspires to have one, this issue is going to arise. There are not a lot of men who will tolerate being second to kids, especially someone else’s kids, once married.

In marriage, kids and spouses are a triad- all have to be taken care of equally for the family to flourish.

In second marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, kids first, then BF/GF, by a lot.

I think married Dads get this, but boyfriends/stepdads do not.

I would add this is only true for minor children.

No. It’s not if you want to be in your grand children’s lives.

Dump him!

My neighbor chose her boyfriend over her kids and she is lucky to see them 4x a year.

Can believe she gave up her grand kids for this dolt.

But are you ditching him? Of course you’re a MOM but he shouldn’t be at the bottom of your list. Boyfriends and girlfriends should be pretty high. I consider toddler years intense. High school shouldn’t be so intense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it odd that you could be in love with a man who doesn't understand why a mom would prioritize her children over her boyfriend.

Well, I fell in love with him before I knew he'd be such a jealous baby. But he is truly EXCELLENT (I'm talking first place and I am an experienced woman ) in bed, a great cook, intellectual, very handsome, can swing a hammer and land an airplane, and an all-around lot of fun. Who wouldn't fall in love with him?! But as he's gradually increased his fussing, I've gradually become less "in love", if you will.

Um..... all this sounds amazing, and worth trying to work it through. I mean there are ALWAYS going to be some problems. Given what you say here, I would find a way to work on it with him. See if you can come to some agreements that work for all of you. Yes, kids are going to come first now. And, eventually they will graduate. Make plans for what your lives might look like at that point! Try and take more trips together if it's possible. Good luck!