Anonymous wrote:When I read "spouse" not DH, I assumed it is DH writing this, and DW has had enough of being the primary breadwinner but still want the lifestyle.

Has OP since clarified? Not that it matters.

OP here. Yes, this. I’ve tried for almost a decade to boost my income and it’s just not happening. We started both working in similar income fields, but she fell into a fast growing niche and we prioritized her career, which necessitated this location etc.

Kids then came, and now we have two tween boys and just turned 4 daughter. Live in Chevy Chase. I like to think I’m a very egalitarian DH (I’ve always done most of the deep cleaning but she hates my cooking so she tends to cook) but who knows.

I was amused how everyone assumed DH wanted to step back, but as PP says, it shouldn’t matter.

When I read "spouse" not DH, I assumed it is DH writing this, and DW has had enough of being the primary breadwinner but still want the lifestyle.

Has OP since clarified? Not that it matters.

Anonymous wrote:The 1% a year is a weird number for repairs. They tend to come in big chunks, yes, but not solidly at $15k/year. Right now (literally) I am replacing my furnace, a/c and hot water heater all in for $15k (and we didn’t get the cheapest). If we have to do the roof it will be that….but unless I have something catastrophic those are all the big needed house repairs, yes? I have other things I *want* to do….those are different.

That number is a good estimate to fund home repairs. It's a 'sinking fund' so you can cashflow repairs.

That being said, I still think OP needs to move. Living in a small, old house that they can't afford.

I think you'll be fine after daycare ends if you cut a bit here and there. Spouse should try to find something paying better than 100k. I make 285 (single income household) but still have expenses similar to you except we don't pay daycare and our mortgage is about 600 less. And it works fine.

Anonymous wrote:The 1% a year is a weird number for repairs. They tend to come in big chunks, yes, but not solidly at $15k/year. Right now (literally) I am replacing my furnace, a/c and hot water heater all in for $15k (and we didn’t get the cheapest). If we have to do the roof it will be that….but unless I have something catastrophic those are all the big needed house repairs, yes? I have other things I *want* to do….those are different.

And yes, 100 year old house.

The 1% a year is a weird number for repairs. They tend to come in big chunks, yes, but not solidly at $15k/year. Right now (literally) I am replacing my furnace, a/c and hot water heater all in for $15k (and we didn’t get the cheapest). If we have to do the roof it will be that….but unless I have something catastrophic those are all the big needed house repairs, yes? I have other things I *want* to do….those are different.

Living in the DMV I don't think these expenses are crazy, at all, and OP is not wealthy at 400K/year. However, I don't see how OP can decrease income by $150K/year and still stay in the house with that mortgage plus maintain current lifestyle -- which again is not crazy extravagant. OP likely spends much less than neighbors and her kids' friends' families. Child care, camps, house cleaners are all $$$ here. But not moving will basically kill the extras that are important to OP: travel, academic enrichment, buying whatever groceries they want. Our current take home is $350K and monthly expenses are very similar -- except we live in N MoCo so our house is worth $600K and 30 year mortgage is about $2600/mo. We are fine and able to take vacations, save for college and retirement, and I do buy whatever I want at the grocery store so our food bill is higher than it should be. However, my kids are all older than 13: while we were paying for childcare and camp when kids were too young to stay home alone, we did not travel like we do now and spent much less on food and clothes. OP would have to cut travel and family visits and the family would need to change their entire spending mindset in order to make it on $250K/year. This will be made more difficult by living in an affluent area and seeing what others are able to buy and do. Also consider that at $250K/year OP's family will no longer fit into the neighborhood on a social status level. I'm not trying to be mean, just realistic, and my general point is that going down this much in income will affect more than just your budget, it also will affect how well OP and her kids fit in to their local area. OP, your husband definitely can get a job making more than $100K in this area so I suggest having a very frank conversation with him about how deep his pay cut really can be in order for your family to maintain the same kind of lifestyle, let alone stay in the current house and school district (which seems pretty difficult). Good luck OP with this decision, and I commend you on being so supportive of your husband's work situation and need to take a pay cut to leave the current position.

Anonymous wrote:I may be out of touch, but do people with a 3 to 4-year-old (ending Sept. 2022) in daycare really spend that much money on camps and academic enrichment? You said you need camps for three kids for 8 weeks and that the less expensive camps aren't academic/enriching enough, but isn't one of them in daycare?

Also, regarding your travel budget - I'd suggest trying to do the family visits via points or some such thing rather than doing beach week, family visit, and vacation. Cut either beach week or vacation and do family visit on points.

How do you earn points? We don’t travel for work, and we use a 2% cash back credit card which I think is better than mileage points ($0.013) https://www.valuepenguin.com/travel/how-much-are-airline-miles-worth. Is there some other mechanism I’m missing?

Anonymous wrote:I may be out of touch, but do people with a 3 to 4-year-old (ending Sept. 2022) in daycare really spend that much money on camps and academic enrichment? You said you need camps for three kids for 8 weeks and that the less expensive camps aren't academic/enriching enough, but isn't one of them in daycare?

Also, regarding your travel budget - I'd suggest trying to do the family visits via points or some such thing rather than doing beach week, family visit, and vacation. Cut either beach week or vacation and do family visit on points.

Yes, its a choice. We live in a very small, cheaper house and spend a lot on activities that our kids enjoy from sports to music to speciality camps. But, we also are not taking vacations, expensive shopping/eating out so it all balances out. We spend $50 per music lesson, $60-80 per private sports lesson, etc.

I may be out of touch, but do people with a 3 to 4-year-old (ending Sept. 2022) in daycare really spend that much money on camps and academic enrichment? You said you need camps for three kids for 8 weeks and that the less expensive camps aren't academic/enriching enough, but isn't one of them in daycare?

Also, regarding your travel budget - I'd suggest trying to do the family visits via points or some such thing rather than doing beach week, family visit, and vacation. Cut either beach week or vacation and do family visit on points.

Agree with showing the budget spreadsheet to your spouse to start the conversations. Throwing in a couple of scenarios would be helpful, IMO. Make it clear they're just illustrative. Invite them to play with the numbers and come up with one ore more scenarios they're comfortable with. Personally I spend $700-$800/mo on groceries for a family of 5 (3 young kids). I'd keep one of the three vacations you have, or reduce the cost of the one vacation to spread the budget across 2 vacations. We camp a lot. I don't love it but my kids are young and they do love it. I'd also see if you could cut your shopping by 50%. You don't need a wheelbarrow every day, or even every week. Next time I'd try to borrow one from a neighbor for the one time project. I'd also cut the cleaners. Yes cleaning is a pain, and it takes some of what little non-work time you and your family have. If it helps, you can view all of this as a temporary 1 year trial. If the lifestyle is too lean for you, then move or consider reducing your 401k contributions. In general I don't think it is a good idea to reduce retirement savings, but I think I'd be like you and do what I can to keep my kids in their house with their friends. If you take this "trial" approach, go over the budget at least monthly with your spouse so you're not looking at your spending a year from now and saying "how didn't we cut anything?" In general, I'd focus on cutting big expenses rather than tying yourself in knots saving small amounts on lots of little things, but getting to a point where you want/need less stuff can be a process. Read Marie Kondo's The Joy of Tidying Up. It could help you buy less stuff (and I don't mean that critically at all). If both you and your DH can get on the same page with consuming less stuff/using fewer resources, you might be surprised how much you'll save. But if you're in very different places (i.e. one spouse feels the other is trying to control and deprive them) that is a relationship disaster (on top of having to clean your own house). Yes, divorce would be more expensive (as you've pointed out). Lastly, yes on a cheaper cell phone plan. I don't know that it will be a crappy plan. I use Tello for my iphone, and if you crack your smart phone don't replace it right away. I dropped mine a year ago and meant to replace it. I never got around to it and it is still working despite all of the cracks. Last idea: an au pair might save you money on camps and day care once COVID dies down. If you could get an au pair for next summer you could cut day care costs out of your budget in June 2022, not Sept 2022. This could work especially if you and your spouse can swing your schedules so one leaves for work early and the other comes back late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah, I'd sell and move. Go further out, spend WAY less than 1.2 mil and spouse can commute.

So how do I convince spouse about this? Super reluctant to move after only being here 3 years. We should have $400k to $550k in equity in house, but of course RE commission will bite.

Wait - you have a $1.2m house, with $400k-$550k in equity, so a mortgage of $650k-$800k? That shouldn't leave you with a mortgage payment of $5100. Can you clarify the numbers?

The only way to get the mortgage down would be to recast or to refinance. The house value may have gone up vs. they putting the money in it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Yeah, I'd sell and move. Go further out, spend WAY less than 1.2 mil and spouse can commute.

So how do I convince spouse about this? Super reluctant to move after only being here 3 years. We should have $400k to $550k in equity in house, but of course RE commission will bite.

Wait - you have a $1.2m house, with $400k-$550k in equity, so a mortgage of $650k-$800k? That shouldn't leave you with a mortgage payment of $5100. Can you clarify the numbers?

A few questions or scenarios before you put the house on the market. Does DH have the new job and/or offer? How much longer can he stay at higher paying job? If he needs to get out, that is understandable, but if he can stay for a bit of time that will give you all time to make decisions. How much do you want to stay in the house? Where is the new job located? Can you rent your house out and cover mortgage and taxes while you move to an apartment or lower cost location for 2-4 years? Will the trim down of budget be functionally do-able for you and DH? How much equity are you accruing in your house year over year? When buying your house were your plans to stay for the long haul, until kids graduate from high school? If you decide to stay in the house and scale back on college savings would you be willing to use some of your equity to pay for college? Have you looked for homes out in the suburbs to get a feel for where to move? To me this is not a cut and dry answer. I live close in and know my house is a gold mine in terms of home equity, but that comes with a big mortgage and tax bill. This is risk vs reward.

OP, when did you buy? And what's the home worth now? I'm not sure I agree with others saying you need to move. I'd try eliminating vacation/luxury expenses first. Housing is expensive, even further out. And with young kids, you may end up eating into savings due to extra childcare associated with long commute. At a minimum, I wouldn't move until your DH has a new job and you understand the commute requirements. You'd risk moving further out in the wrong direction from where you need to commute.