Anonymous wrote:When my DD is like this, I tell her that she is not going to speak to me that way. So, she needs to go somewhere and cool the eff down (or I do) and when she is ready to "act like a human" and she can express herself like the adult she wants to be, then we'll talk. If she continues, I leave the room.

I do love her. But I'm not here to be her punching bag.

I give some time/space and then, if she doesn't come to me, I go to her. Were the disrespect to continue, then the flames of my fury would fall upon her and she knows it. Besides a tongue-lashing, she'd lose every privilege imaginable. Mercifully, the latter has never come to pass. She always blinks first.

I'm trying to get her to know that, just b/c she's angry, she doesn't get to act like a B to people. I'll listen to her vent (that's a good thing) but I do not let her take her frustrations out on me (and vice versa). This happens less and less now (for now?) So, this works for her.

Stay tuned. I'm sure more Adventures in Teenagering ahead.

As a high school teacher, this is what I would advise, along with a lot of other good advice you have received about setting boundaries. Teens act like they don’t want rules, push back, etc. but they really,really need you to be assertive and not let them walk all over you. Stating the boundary, them giving space to chill for a bit is really important too because teens need to save face. In class, when I ask a student to stop talking or put away a phone, I always turn away or keep teaching, so that they can comply without me staring them down. Don’t confront her in front of other people if you can avoid it—she will fight you even more ferociously, in order to save face.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too. She is awful, but only with me. I have said to her, no matter how awful and mean you are to me, no matter how much you continue to hurt my feelings, no matter how much I dislike your behavior, I will always love you. That is my current go-to.

All I can say is try not to react/engage, keep calm and steady, and carry on. I'm told they will come back to us in a few years. I hope those doing the telling are correct

you sound like a doormat? why would you tell her you love her as she abuses you?

This isn’t being a doormat. This is parenting 101. They behave this way because they know we love them unconditionally and it’s a safe space to act out. They test the boundaries. This is why the response PP gives is spot-on.

And a therapist will tell you this too. So that will be a nickel.

The great thing about therapists is they have no results. You can't look at a therapist and say "yes! Their advice was the best advice I could have recieved and now our situation is greatly improved!" It's all literally crap.
Everyone is different and responds to the world differently. One child who needs unconditional love but another needs structure and boundaries and a harsh wakeup call
Op is being a doormat and it's not working with this child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Me too. She is awful, but only with me. I have said to her, no matter how awful and mean you are to me, no matter how much you continue to hurt my feelings, no matter how much I dislike your behavior, I will always love you. That is my current go-to.

All I can say is try not to react/engage, keep calm and steady, and carry on. I'm told they will come back to us in a few years. I hope those doing the telling are correct

you sound like a doormat? why would you tell her you love her as she abuses you?

This isn’t being a doormat. This is parenting 101. They behave this way because they know we love them unconditionally and it’s a safe space to act out. They test the boundaries. This is why the response PP gives is spot-on.

And a therapist will tell you this too. So that will be a nickel.

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you have Verizon FIOS for internet, you can go in as the administrator and block individual devices. So if you can block at the WiFi level, and then take away data with the cell provider, then you have done a lot.

But our philosophy is that as long as you are living under our roof and we are paying your bills, then we have the right to say what devices you can and cannot have in our house, even if kid bought the device with birthday money or whatever.

I block my son's phone and computer regularly when he's being awful, which happens occasionally now that he's 14. I have parental controls on his iphone, and it cuts off at a certain time every night. I also cut it off as needed when behavior is declining. Our wifi is ATT, and I cut the wifi to his computer at night and as needed. The phone/computer are his currency, so cutting those off always gets an immediate change in behavior. We're also dealing with my son being uglier to me than anyone else, but he's also the most loving to me than anyone else. It's a tough time right now parenting him, but I'm hoping we can weather this storm to the other side of puberty.

Also, if you have Verizon FIOS for internet, you can go in as the administrator and block individual devices. So if you can block at the WiFi level, and then take away data with the cell provider, then you have done a lot.

But our philosophy is that as long as you are living under our roof and we are paying your bills, then we have the right to say what devices you can and cannot have in our house, even if kid bought the device with birthday money or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not OP, but is there a program that can shut off a cell phone? I know a wireless router can get pulled from power cord, but how can a parent shut off a cell phone if a kid refuses to relinquish? there must be an app for that!!!

Call the cell phone provider and stop paying for the extra phone line. That would include minutes and data - essentially bricking the phone unless they have access to the house wifi.

House wifi can be controlled with mac address. Do not allow the device on your network.

Depending on her Apple ID, you can shut down "all apps" in the parental settings of an iPhone.

Also work on your boundaries. Let her know you will not be spoken to with disrespect and all conversations end when that happens. Then walk away when it does. If you pay for your child’s phone take it away if they are nasty to you. You can get to a better place where your teen is not controlling your emotions but it will likely take working on yourself.

Agree with this and all PP who posted similarly. It is fine to recognize that being a teen is hard, offer to find a counselor in case she wants an objective third person to whom to vent, but emphasize that family members do not treat each other nastily and if she does it again, then the phone, rides, allowance ---pick one or multiple---will be taken away. Need to make sure your spouse is on board with this because if Dad sabotages then it doesn't work. Look her coldly and calmly in the eye and say in a very low hiss, "And if you do not believe me young lady, just try.me.out"

Given what you have said, you probably will need to take stuff away at least once in order for it to sink in. Don't threaten unless you follow through. And expect an explosion, followed by the silent treatment, when you do. Stay strong and ignore theatrics. It will pass.

Teen brains are growing/developing as fast as toddlers. Think about when she was 2 and threw a fit when you set a limit. You are engaged in the same type of testing behavioral pattern.