Together 25 years married 19. Recently separated as DH has moved out of the marital home. Been miserable for seven years and thought for many years that I could stay for the kids. Married to a depressed person who focused on everything we didn't have, everything he didn't accomplish, everything I am not, and all of the reasons why I'm the reason we haven't progressed in life.

In everyone's eyes, DH is the perfect husband and father. What people didn't see was how living with someone who is inherently unhappy can really tear you down and make you anxious. They project their insecurities onto you; especially if you're someone who is inherently happy and doesn't worry much. It's almost like my optimism was met with skepticism and judgment because he resented me just being a happy person. I didn't realize it because I was, stupidly, swayed by someone who was seemingly committed, didn't cheat, went along with the program and was generally passive. Sex was not good. He can be boring, not spontaneous and very predictable. He's very judgmental and I've always felt like I didn't measure up to his high moral and financial standards.

I finally decided that enough was enough. It mattered less to me that my children would be devastated by the separation because I was becoming physically impacted by the stress and I was really worried that I have a heart attack or a stroke because the stress was eating me alive. I haven't known this kind of peace in years. In spite of the fact that I am worried about finances and growing old without any sort of companionship or intimacy, I am so happy. There are still many things to figure out but this first step was a big one.

OP, you will know when you know and no one on an anonymous message board will change your mind. Good luck. There is peace, self-worth and happiness on the other side.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

I feel fine about it. He will be a controlling and critical parent whether we are married or not, nothing I can do about it now.

How do you feel about another woman co raising your children with you having virtually no control over the situation. My sister's ex has a new live in and it is a CLUSTER.

+1 concern

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about 50/50 custody?

I feel fine about it. He will be a controlling and critical parent whether we are married or not, nothing I can do about it now.

How do you feel about another woman co raising your children with you having virtually no control over the situation. My sister's ex has a new live in and it is a CLUSTER.

That's not a good enough reason to stay and allow her child to witness her being verbally abused. Who knows if this a-hole will even partner up again, especially for the long-term?

The only thing you'll regret is if you stay in a bad marriage any longer.

I wish I had gotten divorced long before I did; better when the kids are younger. I now advise those that ask that if you have thought seriously about divorce for a period of time, then do it. The minute you are giving considerable thought and bandwidth to ending your marriage (or wondering what it'd be like to be free), it's already over. Pull the plug and do it as quickly as possible. And I fully owned my 50% of the blame for why it didn't work out.

My life now? Totally in love with someone who accepts me and whom I can see myself spending many years with. Almost every single aspect of my life is better after getting out of a bad marriage.

Good luck...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not regret it. You will look back at it as the best decision of your and your kid's life.

Maybe your life, but not your kids.

I don't regret divorcing, but I will regret the pain I inflicted on my kids for the rest of my life.

And no, there's no way to avoid inflicting pain on your kids.

I do not regret pain that the divorce caused my kids, as they didn't deserve to witness his abuse.

Ok so you’re a sociopath then.

No. I’m able to recognize that the pain it saved them was greater than the pain of living in an abusive situation.

But go ahead, mock abused women, that’s cool.

Ok, so you’re a sociopath who uses “abuse” as a pretext for not caring about the pain you inflicted on your kids then. And “oh the kids are better off” is the rationalization every sociopath uses for doing exactly what the sociopath wants to do.

Give it a rest. No victim leaves an "abuser" because they are a "sociopath." That's victim blaming. You misread her post anyway. What she was trying to say is despite the pain of divorce, she didn't want to subject her kids to witnessing the abuse anymore.

+1 Exactly right.

Oh no. Get out.

I don’t take divorce lightly, truly I don’t. If my DH (or DW) had a fit over every inconvenience, mistake, or meal that wasn’t up to his or her standards I’d be out. Living on edge like that at all times would make me an unhappy person. I would try therapy first but if behavior didn’t improve or they refused to go then that’s it.

Why would you stay? You get one life and this is how you want to spend it? With a total a-hole. Leave and live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not regret it. You will look back at it as the best decision of your and your kid's life.

Maybe your life, but not your kids.

I don't regret divorcing, but I will regret the pain I inflicted on my kids for the rest of my life.

And no, there's no way to avoid inflicting pain on your kids.

I do not regret pain that the divorce caused my kids, as they didn't deserve to witness his abuse.

Ok so you’re a sociopath then.

No. I’m able to recognize that the pain it saved them was greater than the pain of living in an abusive situation.

But go ahead, mock abused women, that’s cool.

Ok, so you’re a sociopath who uses “abuse” as a pretext for not caring about the pain you inflicted on your kids then. And “oh the kids are better off” is the rationalization every sociopath uses for doing exactly what the sociopath wants to do.

Give it a rest. No victim leaves an "abuser" because they are a "sociopath." That's victim blaming. You misread her post anyway. What she was trying to say is despite the pain of divorce, she didn't want to subject her kids to witnessing the abuse anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not regret it. You will look back at it as the best decision of your and your kid's life.

Maybe your life, but not your kids.

I don't regret divorcing, but I will regret the pain I inflicted on my kids for the rest of my life.

And no, there's no way to avoid inflicting pain on your kids.

I do not regret pain that the divorce caused my kids, as they didn't deserve to witness his abuse.

Ok so you’re a sociopath then.

No. I’m able to recognize that the pain it saved them was greater than the pain of living in an abusive situation.

But go ahead, mock abused women, that’s cool.

Ok, so you’re a sociopath who uses “abuse” as a pretext for not caring about the pain you inflicted on your kids then. And “oh the kids are better off” is the rationalization every sociopath uses for doing exactly what the sociopath wants to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not regret it. You will look back at it as the best decision of your and your kid's life.

Maybe your life, but not your kids.

I don't regret divorcing, but I will regret the pain I inflicted on my kids for the rest of my life.

And no, there's no way to avoid inflicting pain on your kids.

I do not regret pain that the divorce caused my kids, as they didn't deserve to witness his abuse.

Ok so you’re a sociopath then.

No. I’m able to recognize that the pain it saved them was greater than the pain of living in an abusive situation.

But go ahead, mock abused women, that’s cool.

Anonymous wrote:If water gets spilled on an electronic or if it gets dropped in our house, somebody will yell for about 2 minutes or so. I don't find that divorceable. No sex, now that's a huge big problem.

Maybe your pulled pork WAS bad too.

If water gets spilled on an electronic or if it gets dropped in our house, somebody will yell for about 2 minutes or so. I don't find that divorceable. No sex, now that's a huge big problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will not regret it. You will look back at it as the best decision of your and your kid's life.

Maybe your life, but not your kids.

I don't regret divorcing, but I will regret the pain I inflicted on my kids for the rest of my life.

And no, there's no way to avoid inflicting pain on your kids.

I do not regret pain that the divorce caused my kids, as they didn't deserve to witness his abuse.

Ok so you’re a sociopath then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by "criticize"? What are his complaints, exactly?

Anything. This week he asked me to charge his iPad and Apple Pencil, and in the process I accidentally dropped the Apple Pencil (that I bought him), and he screamed at me.

If I get water on the floor after showering, he yells at me.

He didn’t like the pulled pork I made Saturday for some inexplicable reason because he likes it every other time I make it.

Very stupid things but they are RELENTLESS

No you will not regret the divorce.

NP - I have to agree (and could he be cheating? Classic signs)

You will feel lots of up and down emotions. Some days you will feel hopeless and sad. Some days liberated. Ultimately you will get through it and be MUCH better off !!