Anonymous wrote:20 years is a very long time to be unforgiving of a few remarks. If Aunt Becky wants to make amends you should try. Or font if you still want to hold your grudge snd hurt feelings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

As someone else who grew up in the South, you are an idiot. You are literally comparing being a white person listening to (and not arguing against, I might add) racism against other races and OP being discriminated against personally. And then saying that if she chooses to protect her mixed-raced children from racism, she is a narcissist.

You are genuinely unintelligent.

Anonymous wrote:Never let anyone make you believe that it's worse to call out someone as racist than to actually BE a racist. Somehow that's gotten twisted. If you understand that, declining the invitation will be easy. Can you imagine if Aunt Becky says something terrible to your kids? You will never forgive yourself.

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons that America is still grappling with racism is that people don't actually talk honestly to each other. Yes, Aunt Becky's behavior was horrid. And no, I don't think OP should risk exposing her kids to Aunt Becky when she won't be there to crisis manage the situation in the event she hasn't changed. But maybe have an honest conversation with your MIL, assuming you have a good relationship with her, and air it all out. Maybe MIL wants to take the kids to Aunt Becky's to make her own point to her old friend, i.e. "These are MY grandkids, old friend Becky, and I think they are AWESOME." And yes, old people---particularly those who grew up in a more racist time---can change. My cousin adopted transracially. Prior to the adoption, my aunt expressed privately concern to my mom that she didn't know if she could ever the feel the same about the adopted child as she did about cousin's bio DD. But once the child arrived, all my aunt's concerns disappeared, and 20 years later she cannot believe she ever held that thought and regrets that she did. People are complicated and people evolve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, 20 years ago you heard from someone that she said you were “no good”? Couldn’t she just as easily say: “This woman has hated me for 20 years for something that I said that got twisted and misinterpreted?” This is why with family you should always try to assume best intentions. Have you ever had a real conversation with her?

Explain how this could have been a perfectly innocent statement that was misinterpreted by multiple other family members: "said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay)."

Absolutely anything second-hand could be misinterpreted. The number of people who believe something has nothing to do with how true it is.

The only way we are going to get over our divisions in this country is to actually talk to one another, not repeat rumors of what we heard people said about us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, 20 years ago you heard from someone that she said you were “no good”? Couldn’t she just as easily say: “This woman has hated me for 20 years for something that I said that got twisted and misinterpreted?” This is why with family you should always try to assume best intentions. Have you ever had a real conversation with her?

Explain how this could have been a perfectly innocent statement that was misinterpreted by multiple other family members: "said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay)."

Anonymous wrote:20 years is a very long time to be unforgiving of a few remarks. If Aunt Becky wants to make amends you should try. Or font if you still want to hold your grudge snd hurt feelings.