Anonymous wrote:So all of you people would never marry a teacher, a GS13 gov worker, nurse, even pediatriCians don’t make more than $140 these days

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Oh come on. My sis in law is a doctor working a crazy schedule during her residency, including night shifts. My brother cares for the kids, jeeps the house clean, and makes dinner every night and works remotely doing IT. If my sis in law was married to someone who worked her same schedule they'd need to hire like 3 different people.

Women are the primary breadwinner in a lot of households. Let's cut the sexism.

Anonymous wrote:It's context dependent. Assuming we can cover our bills my initial reaction is "whatever that line of work pays in the government at a GS-14/15-equivalent level" because I think that's a reasonable work/life balance job with decent benefits. But the discussion changes if that means the other spouse is trapped in a high-stress job because the first won't work more/aim higher, or if the spouse who wants to have a more leisurely job does the lion's share of kid/house work, or any medical or mental diagnoses are at play, etc.

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Anonymous wrote:$75k, assuming I also make $75k. I'd never expect a spouse to make more than me.

+1. $75K is the minimum number for me at this point (we are both 40). I think it would be about $50K if I was in my 20s.

Yikes. $75k is what I made at 25. 50-year old woman

Minimum $150k.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I honestly meant for this to be an abstract question for discussion purposes, and not a dissection of my family’s situation, which is complicated and something I don’t feel like getting into.

I’ll share that I am the DH, and left biglaw litigation after only a few years for a GS-14/15 gig. I make a little less than 165k now (less when I transitioned). It wasn’t just the hours and mental exhaustion; it was feeling like a fish out of water, hating litigation and the acrimony, not aspiring to be a partner at all. Missed my wife and friends dearly when I was chained to desk or travel. Only times I felt happy was when work was light enough to be manageable, but not so light that I worried about hours.

But that transition has caused friction within my marriage, in some aspects justifiably so. It’s hard sometimes to balance your responsibilities to provide and be a good spouse with not feeling dead inside, and that’s something I struggle with a lot.

I hope this gives you a little validation OP — I wish my DH was like you. Stayed in a high demand job for years and we hardly saw him — when we did he did not contribute anything whether chores or parenting or quality time. Years of resentment and feeling alone on my part.

Has your spouse ever actually said “I wish you made more money” or “I wish you hadn’t left so our income could be higher” etc? It’s possible that you are interpreting this as friction from a lower income (perhaps projecting your insecurities about your lower income onto her) while for her it may actually be that after years of your intense amount of work she is dealing with some resentment and/or challenges being around you more.

OP here. Yes, she has. She used to be super career oriented, but had an epiphany of sorts that she wanted to take time off and/or be part-time to be with kids, and my decision complicated that. Our issues stem from severe lack of communication and life/financial planning, and I bear some responsibility for that. My wife’s resentment isn’t without justification, but sometimes I think I’ve allowed myself to feel too apologetic or ashamed of my choice. Again, I realize none of this makes sense without more detail. But I appreciate the validation —- when i see the wives of my partner friends going to yoga at 12 pm and going to spa and working out and not having financial worries, I feel like I failed my wife. It’s easy to forget that life isn’t rosy being married to a law firm partner, even with all the financial benefits.

What on earth. You are doing just fine. My husband has a similar salary bc he chooses to work in a non profit and i have never once wished that he had a higher salary in order to fund my yoga classes or spa days. If I want those things why don't I get a job to pay for them?

Granted, we did have a few lucky breaks with money (bought a 4 bedroom in DC for 400,000 ten years ago) and we have share a love a freedom and distaste for cars and neither of us have student loans. So we don't argue about big ticket items. But if she wants to have a part-time job kind of life and also spend on luxury pastimes she can figure out how to pay for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$75k, assuming I also make $75k. I'd never expect a spouse to make more than me.

+1. $75K is the minimum number for me at this point (we are both 40). I think it would be about $50K if I was in my 20s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

I would be fine with it IF he had a proven track record of doing more at home than I did and handling more emotional labor than I did. But I’d bet money it’s actually the case that OP’s wife leaned out only after he proved he wouldn’t step up at home and then after she’d restructured her career around his willingness to step up (or lack thereof). Now he is leaning out too but not in support of her, just for his own reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.

No sane woman would accept a man who makes less than her.

Anonymous wrote:75-100k. I expect a spouse to make the same amount of money as me.