Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 19:58     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Even you know deep down that this guy is a problem drinker whether you tell yourself it is only for “health reasons” or not. People don’t drink less once they have the stress of marriage and kids typically.

+1. Thank your parents and then tell them that's the end of it with them. Bring it up with him. I dated a nice guy who was like this and I watched him blow up his first marriage because he drank so heavily a few years in. It was all within "normal" range culturally, but I knew it seemed a bit much. Like he needed those 3-4 beers to unwind. See how much he resists a change in lifestyle with you.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 19:54     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
I assume that the non-drinking hosts did not continue offering him beers, and I assume he did not walk in the door with a six pack, so how did he get his hands on 4-5 beers. Did you bring it for him in your purse? Or did your boyfriend rummage through their fridge and help himself? Beer run in the middle of dinner?
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 19:24     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
From what you’ve said, he is not an alcoholic. Talk to him and be open about your concerns. He may not have the baggage around drinking that your family does and not realize that his behavior was concerning to them. If you want for both of you to slow down your drinking, ask for support from him in doing this.

It would be a huge shame to break it off with someone you love without talking this all through with him and allowing him to change his habits.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 19:19     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Op, I am a problem drinker (married, kids) but I modulate the amount I drink given the company. I can drink a bottle of wine by myself, but no one knows. In the company of my MIL, who is a teetotaler, we drink lemonade. If I meet relatives or friends, I have the appropriate amount (like 1-3 drinks). I would never swill unchecked while everyone around me was not drinking. I had a boyfriend who once did this at my parents house. It was a major red flag. The guy was a serious alcoholic (as opposed to the category of “problem drinker” I put myself in) Because I was in my 20s I couldn’t quite get it at the time. We were coming off college years where drinking to excess was common. My dad, who lived as an ex-pat amid heavy drinking culture, spotted that this guy was a problem. Long story short, I dumped his sorry ass and never looked back. My advice: RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!! It only gets worse
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 18:53     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And once he gets married, his drinking is likely to double or even triple.


Preposterous.


Not true. Usually the opposite. Much less.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 18:52     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My MIL mad a comment like this to my DW after we met for dinner at a nice restaurant and I had two cocktails.

So every time we go out with them, I make sure to order a cocktail or two or three, and always have drinks out/available when we host them.


You're the dad who went out for beers with his bros for Father's Day instead of spending time with his children, aren't you?


Nope, I woke early walked the dog to bakery to get my son his favorite donuts.. i asked my son what he wanted to do and we did a majority of his list and then DW and I made shrimp/halibut tacos. Had an awesome day.

Honestly I don’t even like beer and thing brewery/distillery tours kind of redundant after the first ones. Can’t imagine going with a group do this either.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 18:32     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.


I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.


DP. It's strange because you have to read the room. You don't consume 4 - 5 beers when others are drinking nothing or very little.

Plus, it sounds like the fiancé has been around the family many times. This isn't a first meeting, which frankly if it was that would be even worse.


This was maybe the third time.

OP: How did he get 4-5 beers as a guest in a non beer drinking home? Did he think the party was BYOB and brought a six pack for himself? Did he ask you to bring it in your purse? Or just rummage through their fridge and just help himself?


I do blame myself for not saying "hey, let's not drink today, it's a sore spot for my family and they don't like to see alcohol being consumed'
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 18:18     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
I agree that he should have read the room. If it were me, I would have had a glass of wine or two and stopped.

Then gone home and drank whatever I wanted.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 18:09     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:Instead of using your parents or DCUM posters as your gauge...why don't you look up what ACTUAL EXPERTS say about this.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking

This one tells you his risk of becoming a problem drinker, based upon his current patterns:

https://www.rightstep.com/rehab-blog/risk-drinking-excessive-drinking-defined-niaaa/

Your parents love you very much, and want to be sure that you are not entering into a high risk marriage.

I would NOT mention your parents to the SO, but do your own homework. If you have concerns, share them with him (using reputable professional sources, again, not family sources) and see how he reacts.


+1. You should be looking into facts instead of advice from random strangers. And don’t be mad at your parents.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 17:55     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to say, as a person who got spent years with someone I shouldn't have, I wish my parents had said something to me. They went by the school of "she's an adult and gets to make her own adult decisions", so I don't fault them, but what a blessing it would have been if my parents had said to me, we love you, this isn't easy for us to say but have you thought about X.


I wish someone had done this for my Mom who married an alcoholic. Life of the party has its downsides.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 17:33     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
OP, I just wanted to say, as a person who got spent years with someone I shouldn't have, I wish my parents had said something to me. They went by the school of "she's an adult and gets to make her own adult decisions", so I don't fault them, but what a blessing it would have been if my parents had said to me, we love you, this isn't easy for us to say but have you thought about X.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 17:31     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
It is common for parents with families that have had alcoholics in them (which is most families) to be over-concerned about social drinking. Make sure that you are not too critical of him if his drinking is not causing problems. Try to make reduced drinking about health or limiting how much you drink or what your triggers for drinking are.

I am not an alcoholic but I never drink around my parents. I won't even have one glass of wine when they are present or they will over-react. I feel your pain.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 17:16     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.


I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.

It is weird to drink that much when no one else is. Most non-problem drinkers even subconsciously adjust their drinking to the community mean. Drinking 4-5 of anything is a lot, definitely more than to thirst.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 16:55     Subject: Re:Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A guy in his 20s drink 4-5 beers in an evening is not concerning to me, in an of itself.

It is the setting that is strange to me...why drink that much when with your fiancé’s family (who doesn’t really drink)? Odd.

If it was a wedding, NYE, a night out with buddies, etc etc etc it would not be surprising.


I don't know why that's considered a strange setting? It's totally normal to be nervous around the parents of a serious SO and want to take the edge off.

You need to ask the opinions of your friends that do drink moderately and have been around him in order to really have full perspective around this.


Are you OP? Because you need to examine your own drinking and thinking about drinking if you think this.


OP that was not me!

To be honest, I had a Come to Jesus moment with my own drinking several years back. I went to a party school but unfortunately let that continue on post college. It was affecting my health and my relationships (I also had unresolved mental health issues and was self medicating). Luckily, I was able to significantly cut back and feel happier and healthier today.


In this case, I would seriously consider your relationship with this man, especially since you come from a family of alcoholics. You guys are not alcoholics, but consider AA as an option.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 16:45     Subject: Parents raised red flag about S/O...
Anonymous wrote:It does not sound to me like he has a drinking problem at all. Since your family doesn’t drink, 4-5 beers sounds like a lot, but for an adult male it is really not a big deal. I would tell your parents to lighten up, and tell your boyfriend not to drink as much around them because they are judgmental tetotalers.

This. And if I knew him, I would caution him about marrying someone who is so needy for her family’s approval. It’s one thing if you thought it was a problem, but it sounds like you didn’t until your family brought it up and now you are thinking about breaking up? That is crazy, to me.