Anonymous
Post 06/22/2021 09:00     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
What do you want, absolution? You moved overseas and weren't able to spend time with your parents when they were ailing and dying. It's done. The reason people are suggesting therapy is because you are obviously not at peace with how things went down. You came from a distant, unsupportive family and were yourself distant from your parents. Your father was too stubborn to accept help, and it sounds like you married a somewhat rigid and inflexible man yourself. A therapist can help you unpack this stuff and move on.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2021 08:59     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:They are your parents and while you are not required to look after them when they are old, you could have done more in the end. You feel regret. This is about you.


OP here.
There are 3 things I could have done differently:

1) move back home and live with Dad medium/long term. This was never going to happen. It would have cost me my job and, if we're talking about a couple of years as one PP suggested, it would have cost me my marriage too. DH had a career and he wasn't going to give it up or leave his country. I was, and still am, the lower earner in our marriage.
I loved my Dad a lot but I didn't want to move in with him long term

2) move my Dad to live with us or into assisted living. No chance! You didn't know my Dad. I did. He was not the kind of person who would meekly follow someone else's instructions or suggestions. He did exactly what he wanted. He was a rebel at heart, and he always did his own thing.

3) not move abroad. Sadly I'm unable turn back the clock. What's done is done.

I do still think that local relatives could have done more too. I may have been unreasonable expecting them to offer physical labor, but they could have checked on him from time, or called him to ask if he was OK. It would have been nice ...

I guess I felt more mad about their lack of interest in my Dad than anything else. I know it was not their responsibility to be caregivers, but they could have shown some empathy for my Dad, his situation and mine, given that Dad and I were both struggling, and I was living overseas.


You still don’t get it. You felt that you “couldn’t” move home. You could have. The cost was simply very great. Similarly I’m sure your relatives felt they “couldn’t” have done more for their own reasons. You are willing to accept it as true about yourself but not for them.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2021 08:54     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Op, have you asked your father to at least come visit you? Tell him you despeneed to see him.. Your DH may be against it but can you go back for 3 weeks or longer if your job allows it? Maybe they will let you work remotely?
I get your situation. It would be nice for family to check in and I would give them a call to at least stop by and assess the situation and give you an honest report.
If your dad is refusing the help you are providing, he would refuse others offers for assistance. At this point, If the relatives feel he is ok, then ask if they can check in quarterly. Pay them to do this or send them gift cards as a thank you. I.would try and schedule your own visit and try and return with your dad. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2021 07:22     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:They are your parents and while you are not required to look after them when they are old, you could have done more in the end. You feel regret. This is about you.


OP here.
There are 3 things I could have done differently:

1) move back home and live with Dad medium/long term. This was never going to happen. It would have cost me my job and, if we're talking about a couple of years as one PP suggested, it would have cost me my marriage too. DH had a career and he wasn't going to give it up or leave his country. I was, and still am, the lower earner in our marriage.
I loved my Dad a lot but I didn't want to move in with him long term

2) move my Dad to live with us or into assisted living. No chance! You didn't know my Dad. I did. He was not the kind of person who would meekly follow someone else's instructions or suggestions. He did exactly what he wanted. He was a rebel at heart, and he always did his own thing.

3) not move abroad. Sadly I'm unable turn back the clock. What's done is done.

I do still think that local relatives could have done more too. I may have been unreasonable expecting them to offer physical labor, but they could have checked on him from time, or called him to ask if he was OK. It would have been nice ...

I guess I felt more mad about their lack of interest in my Dad than anything else. I know it was not their responsibility to be caregivers, but they could have shown some empathy for my Dad, his situation and mine, given that Dad and I were both struggling, and I was living overseas.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 22:57     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
They are your parents and while you are not required to look after them when they are old, you could have done more in the end. You feel regret. This is about you.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 22:50     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Well it’s not their job either. This is why your dad should have saved more money- to hire the help his daughter was unable or unwilling to give.


You didn't read the whole thread. I organized the appropriate help for him. Aides every 2 days, a nurse twice a day and a cleaner once a week.

My Dad cancelled the aides behind my back. I reinstated the help but, sadly, my Dad kept cancelling the aides.

His cleaner left and he refused to hire a new one.

His nurse continued to look after him until he was taken to hospital and died there. He liked his nurse.


OP, you did a lot for your father. Don't let the crazy PPs bring you down. I can't believe a PP is faulting you because you couldn't get your dad to move into an assisted living facility. That's a huge issue in many families--the elderly don't want to give up on their homes, even when they could be better be taken care of in another setting. There's no guarantee you could have convinced your father to move into that kind of care setting even if you were around. Deteriorating condition or not, an elderly parent is an adult who can make their own choices.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 16:17     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It's interesting you come from a family who kept a distance from your parents, wouldn't be bothered to help, and you, being from same family, went off and did loner thing overseas barely to be seen again. It sounds like you aren't much different than your relatives. Maybe you left in part because your family wasn't great.


OP here. My Mom's side of the family were never that close. They were friendly with each other and there were never any disagreements, but they all did their own thing. We all lived in the same small town but we would see each other only at family events once or twice a year. My cousins and I never played together when we were little. It was just the way it was. I liked my maternal grandparents but I was not very close to them.

I was much closer to my Dad's family. I adored my Dad's mother and I spent a lot of time with her when I was a child and a teenager. She died aged 83, the year before I moved abroad. My Dad's family is smaller than my mother's family and they are older.

I didn't leave because of family. I left because I always wanted to live abroad, and I put myself out there and took advantage of opportunities that I was given.


Look, don't blame your family. You knew they were stand offish. Don't blame yourself either though. You did the best you could living overseas. You were a fine child from a family of people who march to the beat of their own drum. Your father was probably happy for you and wanted you to live your best life. How many years ago was this? It's ok to give it closure.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 16:12     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:It's interesting you come from a family who kept a distance from your parents, wouldn't be bothered to help, and you, being from same family, went off and did loner thing overseas barely to be seen again. It sounds like you aren't much different than your relatives. Maybe you left in part because your family wasn't great.


OP here. My Mom's side of the family were never that close. They were friendly with each other and there were never any disagreements, but they all did their own thing. We all lived in the same small town but we would see each other only at family events once or twice a year. My cousins and I never played together when we were little. It was just the way it was. I liked my maternal grandparents but I was not very close to them.

I was much closer to my Dad's family. I adored my Dad's mother and I spent a lot of time with her when I was a child and a teenager. She died aged 83, the year before I moved abroad. My Dad's family is smaller than my mother's family and they are older.

I didn't leave because of family. I left because I always wanted to live abroad, and I put myself out there and took advantage of opportunities that I was given.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 15:41     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:It's interesting you come from a family who kept a distance from your parents, wouldn't be bothered to help, and you, being from same family, went off and did loner thing overseas barely to be seen again. It sounds like you aren't much different than your relatives. Maybe you left in part because your family wasn't great.


+1000
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 15:17     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
With your parents dying so early, you got bad genes, so it’s good you’re living your life on your terms. I don’t think your parents would’ve begrudged you that.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 15:07     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I'm getting very frustrated with your determined effort to pin the blame on your relatives. You did NOT ask them. They could not read minds. For all they knew, your dad had all these hired help coming to his house, so they didn't put themselves out to deal with your dad's challenging personality.

There may be other issues that make you resent these relatives, but from what you posted, you need to move on.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 14:31     Subject: Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
It's interesting you come from a family who kept a distance from your parents, wouldn't be bothered to help, and you, being from same family, went off and did loner thing overseas barely to be seen again. It sounds like you aren't much different than your relatives. Maybe you left in part because your family wasn't great.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 14:26     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
From one only child to another:

You took care of yourself and did a good job doing so. That was the greatest gift that you could have given your parents.

It is normal to feel regret about how you handled a stressful situation that you can't take back. You provided care for your parents from afar. That is a tremendous gift.
Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 14:21     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:my fil lives in california. both my husband and his sister live on the east coast. fil cared for mil before she passed. now fil health is declining and neither my dh or sil want to go help. both are busy with work. fil.does not want to move to be closer to us. even with siblings, when there is distance , it isnt so easy.
I offered to go help him get established in an assisted living home so he can have company and people to keep an eye on him but no one wants to pay for it. despite $$$ being available.
if it was me, I would have flown back and tried to force my father to move back with me. if he refused, I would have gone the assisted living route and try to visit 2-3 times a year. but I am not in your shoes.


OP here. It's hard, isn't it. And it's not as simple as some people think it is.

My Dad was a proud, independent man who could be stubborn and difficult at times. A relative on Mom's side of the family had hinted that I should move my Dad into assisted living. However at the time I saw this as 'betrayal' and 'dumping' my Dad, especially as he was only in his early 60s. Also my Dad would NEVER have moved into assisted living or a care home willingly.

Probably one of the reasons some family members stopped offering help was my Dad's mental health. He'd had a couple of mini strokes which affected his behaviour. For instance he would never write a shopping list and he found it hard to organize his thoughts. He'd call someone twice a day to get groceries or at awkward times.

As I said earlier, knowing what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved abroad. I never even thought about the consequences of moving far away from parents and relatives.

Hindsight is 20/20. I was touched that my 29 year old son said he was looking for job opportunities near our city because he realized that our senior years were not as far away as they seemed when he graduated from college. He wants to be close enough to help us when we get to that point.



Anonymous
Post 06/21/2021 14:11     Subject: Re:Is it selfish to move abroad for good when you're an only child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I should also say that my parents weren't elderly when they died. Mom early 50s, Dad early 60s.

Given that I grew up in a small town with Mom & Dad's family no more than 10 minutes away I guess I had expected more understanding.

Dad felt very alone and down too. He also missed my Mom.



Why is their age relevant?

You weren’t asking for “understanding” you were asking for emotional and physical labor.


Their ages are relevant because I didn't leave elderly, sick people behind when I moved abroad. When I moved away, my parents were still young and healthy. I did not for a moment think that they would get I'll so quickly.

As for my relatives, I didn't expect that much from them. But they could have at least checked on him regularly, or asked if he needed groceries, for example. Sadly those who did offer practical help when he first got sick gave up after a while.


Sadly you did not check on him regularly by phone or other methods, I guess? Or set up regular grocery deliveries? Both things you could have done from where you were.


OP here. I talked to my Dad on the phone 2 or 3 times per week. I called him or he called me. We kept in touch and we talked for long periods of time.

The thing is, my Dad would only tell me what he wanted me to hear. This was not malicious or anything - he didn want upset or worry me. After he passed I found out certain things he hadn't told me. The fact that he'd had a seizure in the grocery store and in the bank, for instance.
The reason I was hoping that my relatives would check on him is that they would have been able to assess the real situation as opposed to the picture my Dad painted when he talked to me.


Then you should have called your relative, explained the situation and your concerns, ask them to check on him, then update you about what needed to be done. Then you send a gift in thanks to acknowledge they went out of their way for you and your dad and to make it easier for you to ask again in the future.

Why didn’t you do that? Simple enough.


+1