Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

I was recently YOU. At the 7 year mark. Chances are, your feeling is just a phase. You will get past it. You will remember things you adore about him.

Your husband is a great father. THAT'S HUGE!!!! I think he is just either risk adverse, or he isn't good at self initiation. I bet if you landed him a job interview, he would go. As far as his weight goes, can you cook healthier meals, buy only healthy snacks, sign him up for a gym?

JFC, you cannot land someone a job interview or make them be fit. He's an adult. He is in charge of his decisions and his outcomes.

Get some space. Do your own things. Focus on the things you like about him when you're together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

I was recently YOU. At the 7 year mark. Chances are, your feeling is just a phase. You will get past it. You will remember things you adore about him.

Your husband is a great father. THAT'S HUGE!!!! I think he is just either risk adverse, or he isn't good at self initiation. I bet if you landed him a job interview, he would go. As far as his weight goes, can you cook healthier meals, buy only healthy snacks, sign him up for a gym?

Anonymous wrote:Get ready to pay alimony.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think he is underachieving and incompetent?

He hates his job, talks about hating it all the time, has for years, but won't take any action. He thinks every move is too risky. Meanwhile, I have quadrupled my income during our marriage (his has completely stagnated), so it is difficult to respect someone who complains but doesn't do anything about it.

Same with his weight. He is perpetually in a state of trying to lose weight but never succeeding. How can I respect someone who claims to want to make a simple change yet simply cannot achieve it?

When I married this person he was fit and graduating from a prestigious graduate program. I am not really sure how I got suckered into this bait and switch, but I have a very hard time just accepting it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

wait you think your daughter needs someone hotter and more ambitious and rich to play dad instead of her own father?

dude

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

My husband explicitly told me he thought I was a loser in a whole variety of different ways -- my appearance, my job, his lack of desire to spend time with me - and, no, it didn't make me insecure at work and I didn't eat my feelings, because I don't depend on one person for my entire self-image. It was deeply unpleasant, but it affected my sense of him a lot more than my sense of myself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh wait you have a kid.

Nope. Fix it. Deal. Not reasons to leave the father of your kid.

And your concern shouldn't be whether you can find a new, better husband. Your post should be about what is best for your daughter. That is your first priority.

OP, I do agree with you but I think the two are intertwined. I think my daughter would be better off if I could remarry a better husband reasonably quickly. I think my daughter would be worse off if I could not manage to do this and instead face a rocky dating future.

That’s hot mess territory, op. You can’t replace her father with a newer, better model. Very few career ambitious guys are looking to marry a single mom with an ex and take on dad duties. Very messy.

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you get divorced (and let's be real women who have this attitude at your age typically get divorced), honestly, don't even bother with relationships again until you've had a LOT of therapy.

Your thought process sounds very selfish and immature. Marriage is not all about you and your husband is not some accessory that needs to be fit and make a lot of money to make you look good.

This toxic dynamic that you've established with him also affects him and his confidence and ability to excel- you have contempt for him, which makes him feel uncomfortable and insecure, which leads him to be insecure at work and eat his feelings, which only makes you show more contempt, and so on. I mean, how would you feel if the person who is supposed to be your partner and main support in life thought you were some loser? Further, what would you have done if your husband was ill and you really had to take care of him? Would you have dumped him? He really deserves better. Anybody would.

And news flash, you're not Meghan Markle and successful men aren't going to line up to marry a 37 year old divorcee with a toddler no matter how fit you are. There's just a lot of magical thinking reflected in your posts.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like you’ve posted about your husband before. You (or he) are academics and you find him slovenly and not up to your type A standards?

I don’t know what to tell you, except maybe look a bit deeper as to why you have an aversion to supporting him through this life slump. He sounds depressed and you sound anxious that he’s going to drag you down, probably because of something you witnessed in the past with your parents.