DH has OCD and niece has borderline personality. DH is just very annoying with the counting, tapping, and other features. Niece and I have had very bad disagreements. I am like Spock-level logical and have a difficult time with her. I am working on my mindset when dealing with her.

I have a friend of many years who is “on the spectrum” a term I know is outdated now. He has a great deal of difficulty relating to other people. It has caused him much pain, sadness, and ended up alone.
However he is a brilliant (and now famous) research scientist. His work has helped many people. But he’s impossible in person.

OP if you don’t have kids I would rethink this relationship. Mental problems get worse as we age. My DH had mental illness and yes it got worse and worse and led to a disaster. I would not choose to live this life if we did not have children.

Anonymous wrote:Most people with borderline personality disorder were abused as children and therefore very difficult to treat or cure.
Bipolar disorder is a totally different thing.

But if you are not a trained doctor they can seem the same as behaviors are similar.

Most people with borderline personality disorder were abused as children and therefore very difficult to treat or cure.
Bipolar disorder is a totally different thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly suspect my 7th grade DD’s former friend has BPD or is on her way to a diagnosis. I’ve been trying to put my finger on the word for her behavior towards my daughter all year and keep coming up with gaslighting. But thanks to this thread and going down a wormhole about personality disorders, it’s startling how BPD is a near perfect description.

Just need to get through the rest of this week.

Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed under 18 FYI.

Just because they can't be diagnosed doesn't mean that the traits aren't there. It could be anything I suppose, but I'm just saying when I look at the symptoms of BPD and I review what I know about the friend, it's spot on. I knew nothing about BPD until this thread.

I don't know her parents and I have no insight into what diagnoses she has, officially or otherwise. It's just helpful for me to put a name on it in my mind, since "she's bat$hit crazy" is neither productive nor kind. The things I would normally suggest when there's friend drama at school don't work when the friend isn't rational.

I know CPS has visited the home a few times this year based on reports from the school (because the friend would force DD to hide in the bathroom with her whenever she saw someone in the hall whom she thought MIGHT be CPS.) DD stopped her from hurting herself on a near daily basis in school, and when she told DD she was having suicidal thoughts and DD went to a counselor, she screamed at DD for 10 mins in front of a crowd of students and slapped her. She now tells my DD that she doesn't understand why DD doesn't want to hang out anymore. She tells DD every day that DD looks sad and needs help and she's there for her if she wants to talk.

They've been in school in person all year, trapped in the same room, and I'm just glad it's almost over.

They CAN be diagnosed under 18. PP is incorrect.

Okay thanks, good to know. I wasn't up for arguing about it. Hopefully the parents are on top of getting her the help she needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly suspect my 7th grade DD’s former friend has BPD or is on her way to a diagnosis. I’ve been trying to put my finger on the word for her behavior towards my daughter all year and keep coming up with gaslighting. But thanks to this thread and going down a wormhole about personality disorders, it’s startling how BPD is a near perfect description.

Just need to get through the rest of this week.

Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed under 18 FYI.

Just because they can't be diagnosed doesn't mean that the traits aren't there. It could be anything I suppose, but I'm just saying when I look at the symptoms of BPD and I review what I know about the friend, it's spot on. I knew nothing about BPD until this thread.

I don't know her parents and I have no insight into what diagnoses she has, officially or otherwise. It's just helpful for me to put a name on it in my mind, since "she's bat$hit crazy" is neither productive nor kind. The things I would normally suggest when there's friend drama at school don't work when the friend isn't rational.

I know CPS has visited the home a few times this year based on reports from the school (because the friend would force DD to hide in the bathroom with her whenever she saw someone in the hall whom she thought MIGHT be CPS.) DD stopped her from hurting herself on a near daily basis in school, and when she told DD she was having suicidal thoughts and DD went to a counselor, she screamed at DD for 10 mins in front of a crowd of students and slapped her. She now tells my DD that she doesn't understand why DD doesn't want to hang out anymore. She tells DD every day that DD looks sad and needs help and she's there for her if she wants to talk.

They've been in school in person all year, trapped in the same room, and I'm just glad it's almost over.

They CAN be diagnosed under 18. PP is incorrect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has borderline personality disorder as well as bipolar depression and Schizotypal personality disorder.

She medicates and it really helps if she stays on top of it. Still struggles and is very difficult to get along with but she manages pretty well. Has a decent job and lives alone. Struggled hard with relationships.

Runs in our family and my uncle was far worse off. Thank God for modern medicine and advancements in mental healthcare

What worked for her? My sister is on disability because of her BPD, can’t hold down jobs, sleeps till noon most days, crying or rage fits over normal life.

There are meds for bipolar 1/2 and schizophrenia. IIRC, I think Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t have rX options but instead CBT is recommended.

DBT.

CBT is more commonly used for anxiety/depression.

Thank you for the correction. -pp

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your significant other in a DBT program? That is the best evidence therapy for personality disorders.

DBT is great. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done CBT. Out of curiosity I did a DBT program last year and it was really helpful. I think a lot of people are wary of it because it’s often used to treat personality disorders but it can be helpful for anyone.

My BPD relative refuses any kind of therapy and DBT in particular. It is frankly infuriating. She’s so superior, so much “smarter” than therapists, it doesn’t do anything, yada yada. Yet we’re all expected to be supportive when she breaks down every few days and we are the ones left to sift through the carnage and misery she leaves in her wake.

I wish it weren’t virtually impossible to have someone committed these days. That is the only thing that could even potentially help her.

That's the great thing about a family program - it can be presented as being for the sake of the other family member, not the afflicted individual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your significant other in a DBT program? That is the best evidence therapy for personality disorders.

DBT is great. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done CBT. Out of curiosity I did a DBT program last year and it was really helpful. I think a lot of people are wary of it because it’s often used to treat personality disorders but it can be helpful for anyone.

I agree. I did DBT with my teen. It was enormously helpful. Teaches many relationship navigation skills. Defusing situations. Picking your battles. I think everyone should do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly suspect my 7th grade DD’s former friend has BPD or is on her way to a diagnosis. I’ve been trying to put my finger on the word for her behavior towards my daughter all year and keep coming up with gaslighting. But thanks to this thread and going down a wormhole about personality disorders, it’s startling how BPD is a near perfect description.

Just need to get through the rest of this week.

Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed under 18 FYI.

Just because they can't be diagnosed doesn't mean that the traits aren't there. It could be anything I suppose, but I'm just saying when I look at the symptoms of BPD and I review what I know about the friend, it's spot on. I knew nothing about BPD until this thread.

I don't know her parents and I have no insight into what diagnoses she has, officially or otherwise. It's just helpful for me to put a name on it in my mind, since "she's bat$hit crazy" is neither productive nor kind. The things I would normally suggest when there's friend drama at school don't work when the friend isn't rational.

I know CPS has visited the home a few times this year based on reports from the school (because the friend would force DD to hide in the bathroom with her whenever she saw someone in the hall whom she thought MIGHT be CPS.) DD stopped her from hurting herself on a near daily basis in school, and when she told DD she was having suicidal thoughts and DD went to a counselor, she screamed at DD for 10 mins in front of a crowd of students and slapped her. She now tells my DD that she doesn't understand why DD doesn't want to hang out anymore. She tells DD every day that DD looks sad and needs help and she's there for her if she wants to talk.

They've been in school in person all year, trapped in the same room, and I'm just glad it's almost over.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister has borderline personality disorder as well as bipolar depression and Schizotypal personality disorder.

She medicates and it really helps if she stays on top of it. Still struggles and is very difficult to get along with but she manages pretty well. Has a decent job and lives alone. Struggled hard with relationships.

Runs in our family and my uncle was far worse off. Thank God for modern medicine and advancements in mental healthcare

What worked for her? My sister is on disability because of her BPD, can’t hold down jobs, sleeps till noon most days, crying or rage fits over normal life.

There are meds for bipolar 1/2 and schizophrenia. IIRC, I think Borderline Personality Disorder doesn’t have rX options but instead CBT is recommended.

DBT.

CBT is more commonly used for anxiety/depression.

My sister has borderline. She’s been to rehab for alcohol three times. She’s currently sober (at least we think so) and has had tons of therapy so she has improved. The last 20 years are filled with instances where my family and I cannot do anything right, we walk on eggshells and she gets mad at us no matter what we do. Example, my family and cousin’s family are going to family vacation home for a weekend. I call sister weeks ahead and invite her family to join. She’s wishy, washy, then finally declines at last minute because her DD seems to be coming down with a bug. Then, I get hateful texts and tearful calls all weekend for excluding her family and always wanting to hang out with cousin instead of her. No amount of reason or logic will convince her that she was invited/included in the weekend and it was her decision not to join. I’ve also gotten tons of angry calls accusing me of talking about her to my mom. She’ll say things like “Mom told me exactly what you said. I can’t trust you.” When my mom hadn’t even spoken to me or her recently so it’s clear she made it up. My sister won’t drop the issue and creates tons of drama out of nothing. Another recent one was her telling everyone she doesn’t comment on her kids’ weight or food choices bc it was so hurtful when our mother always made comments about her being over-weight growing up. She and I were both super thin as kids and our mother never made comments about our weight.

It took me forever to learn that you can’t argue or reason with her, you just have to avoid her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone with NPD. Everyone "yes"'s her to stay on her good side, because when she goes into rage mode, she tends to stay there, so her "friends" stay off her radar, and make her believe they are on her "side". Good times.

Is she diagnosed? I knew someone like this but I don't think she was diagnosed. It was very intense and there was basically a personality cult around her because people felt compelled to tell her how great she was and to stroke her ego all the time, but no one actually liked her and would say terrible things about her behind her back. It was confusing for me. Part of the reason I wound up fading out of that group is that I didn't understand why people didn't just stand up to her, or at least just set some basic boundaries.

I still don't get what the pull was with her. They say narcissists are often very charismatic, but I don't think I would describe her that way. It was more like she was very good at manipulating people. Like one of her best skills was knowing exactly when to start acting hurt or left out, and also how to do it in this almost childlike way so you felt maximally sorry for her even though nothing was wrong and no one had done anything to her. Maybe that's a form of charisma? More than anything, she reminded me of my mom (who grew up super Catholic and has the Catholic mom guilt act down pat). I never thought "Oh, she's so cool, I want to hang out with her." I only ever thought "Oh no, what if she is upset with me -- I better do X so she doesn't get mad." It was weird and once I realized it was happening I was out of there.

Vulnerable/covert narcissists are generally not charismatic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I strongly suspect my 7th grade DD’s former friend has BPD or is on her way to a diagnosis. I’ve been trying to put my finger on the word for her behavior towards my daughter all year and keep coming up with gaslighting. But thanks to this thread and going down a wormhole about personality disorders, it’s startling how BPD is a near perfect description.

Just need to get through the rest of this week.

Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed under 18 FYI.

This is a common misconception, but personality disorders actually CAN be (and are) diagnosed under the age of 18. The DSM allows for it and there is a growing research base in support of the BPD diagnosis in teens. It’s still quite controversial, granted. Here’s an interesting article specifically on BPD if you’re interested:
https://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/topics/child-adolescent-psychiatry/borderline-personality-disorder-not-just-an-adult-condition/