Anonymous wrote:I think someone who is disappointed with their children has lots of other issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I would have to get some background info.

Yes a parent's job is to raise a kid but at some point it's put on the adult, however I hear this all the time from parents that just have different views of living life from their parents.

This is my parents. Their problem is that they have extremely narrow views of what constitutes a successful life. I think they expected their kids to follow exactly in their footsteps (marry young, have several children young, work in the same industry for 50 years, own a large house). When their kids made different choices or, in many cases, had different opportunities. they took it as a rejection of their life and as evidence their kids were on the wrong track.

I remember a few years back visiting my parents and my mom was going on and on about how worried she was about my younger brother and how they wished they could help him out more but he didn't want their help. I was honestly confused. My brother and his wife had recently paid cash for a rambling old house that they were slowly fixing up over time. They are both artists and they have messy, delightful studios in the home where they make art together when they aren't working their day jobs. They have a funny, sweet, life-loving little boy who they obviously take great care of. They don't have a ton of money (artists!) but they have everything they need, and I get the sense they are living precisely the life they want. Plus they've obviously made smart financial choices given their choice of lifestyle -- saving money and using a small inheritance to buy a home outright so that they don't have to pay a mortgage. It allows them a lot of freedom, even though their house is old and not "nice" the way my parents think a house should be. It's clean and functional for them.

It makes me so sad my parents can't look at my brother's life and see how successful he is, how joyful and how... himself he is. I am so proud of him. That my parents think somehow he is lacking is a reflection of their limitation, not my brother's life.

I am living a more conventional life and even that my parents treat is insufficient. We live in an apartment instead of a house (partially by choice -- we want to be in the city and can't afford a row home, so we choose to live in a condo instead of a house further out). This is embarrassing to them for some reason. We focus our money on saving for our kid's education and on traveling abroad, because those are our values. My parents instead feel we should drive a nicer car, wear nicer clothes, and own lots more material possession or upgrade more things in our home. When we gently say we'd rather visit Japan with our daughter in a few year's than get a really nice new dishwasher, they seem to think we have weird priorities.

Anyway, this is all on them. They value conformity and they want to be able to brag about certain things to their friends and siblings, and their children's happiness is secondary at best. It is a shame, but not in the way they think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Not gonna lie. I would be disappointed. And I’d take it as a reflection of me PP.

I know someone like this. His parents divorced while young and his father, despite very educated and with a high position, was a “yes” dad ALL THE TIME. Paid for everything for him. His dad is also a very “yes” person to everyone, and ppl take advantage of him, particularly at work.

His son is still living in his basement at 35.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Not gonna lie. I would be disappointed. And I’d take it as a reflection of me PP.

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Anonymous wrote:What about disappointment in a kid who dropped out of college, gets fired from retail jobs every three months, stoner, and dated a girl who works at Hooters until she dumped him? We’re not talking about superficial things like looks or income, but a character flaw (loser).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some parents are just determined to be disappointed. I have an Ivy law degree, but deliberately chose a low-paying career path. My parents were angry at me about that until they died. A cousin of mine is an Ivy-educated doctor who did every single thing his parents ever asked of him career-wise. They were angry and disappointed when he married another Ivy-educated doctor because... she wasn't hot enough. You can never, ever win. (Yes, we're Asian.)

If your kid is more or less mentally and physically healthy, and grows up to be able to hold down a job and be a functioning member of society, that's really not the worst thing in the world. I don't really care if my kids do anything prestigious or make a lot of money. I just want them to be happy, healthy, and well-adjusted.

What? Women can never win.

Korean? I married into a Korean family and this sounds exactly like something my extended family would say. (And no, I’m not hot enough or well educated enough for them, either.)

I’m Korean American Ivy educated and married a doctor. Dh’s brother is also a doctor. He once brought a girl home who was also a doctor and all of us thought she was kind of fat. We all thought BIL could do way better. She didn’t have a pretty face either.

I have 2 sons. I just want them to be happy and healthy. I probably would comment if I thought the girl was not pretty or not smart. I don’t think this is unique to Koreans. I don’t care about profession. If my son was in love, my opinion doesn’t matter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep my parents are disappointed in me because I'm not married, don't have a traditional family (shared custody situation w/ 1 kid), so my life doesn't look like what they imagined -- DH + 2 kids + family dinner nightly + living in a big house etc.

So because of that nothing I do matters. Not the big career. Not the money I make. Not the vacations I take. And I KNOW them if I only had a DH and it was a WE living this life, they'd brag to everyone about their D/SIL being sooo rich, living in a new house blah blah. It's definitely caused some distance as I see them gushing about their niece and nephew who have these things and can thus do no wrong. Yet me - eh whatever. Except when someone needs to do deal with their bullshit, then of course it's me.

Can I ask if you’re from an immigrant background?

PP here -- yes of course I am. One where divorce is shame for the whole family, you should just stay with the man and be unhappy your whole life. It's a culture where your happiness (on any issue) is much much less important than "what will people say."

Anonymous wrote:Grown children are a reflection on the parents in most cases and so it's understandable that parents feel a certain kind of way about how they turned out. Kids are a product of the genes parents gave them and the example they set for them and education they provided, etc. Yet, the offspring still make their lives up as they go and so parents aren't 100 responsible for outcomes - but it feels that way.