Anonymous
Post 05/31/2021 14:38     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.

That’s a lot of babying to do. The key is if your spouse is KIND about it and at least acknowledges his deficits/ appreciates the reminders to keep things on track.
Many spouses with these issues are not kind about it, or the required reminders, not even agree to the symptoms or diagnosis. It’s so untenable then. They can get really rude and mean, on purpose.
Anonymous
Post 05/31/2021 14:32     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.


Not OP, but a PP here-see, as a spouse I find this exhausting. I live it, so I know. I'm at the point in my life where I just.don't.want. to deal with dh anymore. Just today, I was heading out to church really early (for a volunteering reason). 6yo DD woke up, I left her reading a book. When I got home, DH started right in on me complaining about how I 'woke dd up'. DD was happy and occupied. Did he think to give her breakfast? No...just to complain and go back to bed.

OP, I hear you and I live a similar life. I'm edging towards done, just not sure if dd is better off with the bad marriage, or him having shared custody.


This would be my husband too. Just half-assed when it comes to the kids or simply useless. I’ve lived with resentment for too many years. It’s clear he won’t get better. Edging towards leaving so kids can see what a calm, orderly household looks like (at least part of the time!)
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 17:20     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:Why is it so obvious OP is an Asian woman?


Explain
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:40     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous[b wrote:]Nasty.[/b]

My boys have always showered/bathed daily.

From the very youngest ages.

Now as teens if they have sports games, it might even be twice a day.

Your husband is nasty.


It is not nasty. Showering every day is NOT necessary. Are you a mature adult using the word "nasty?" Grow up . Here is the latest:

However, daily showers do not improve your health, could cause skin problems or other health issues — and, importantly, they waste a lot of water. Also, the oils, perfumes, and other additives in shampoos, conditioners, and soaps may cause problems of their own, such as allergic reactions (not to mention their cost).Jun 26, 2019


Sorry lady. If you're going out of the house with greasy hair and stinking like sweat, you're going against the generally expected norms. You can do that if you want. But people will judge you and think you're gross. It's just how it is.

Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:37     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I instruct child (8, has not bathed in 2 days) to take a shower before he leaves the house with DH for the afternoon. DH is still in pajamas and cooking himself lunch, no indication they will leave in less than 30 minutes. DH gets in my face, saying “Why does he have to shower? He can shower tonight.” I try to ignore and continue getting kid to the bathroom. Kid is the type to need multiple prompts. DH continues insisting on showering later, raising his voice. I raise my voice and say “Kid is showering now, period. You’re clearly not leaving immediately.”

Obviously, terrible relationship. But how do I best handle this kind of sh*t (happens on the regular) with minimum conflict? DH is frequently unreasonable about totally normal things I want to do, will absolutely dig in.


You were not in the right here. Two days without a shower is no big deal unless he has been rolling around in the mud. Just give your dh space so he can parent your child together. Please apologize to your dh Who cares if he wasn't leaving immediately? Just go do your own thing when dh says he is going to do something with son.

What you're saying is that if a husband disagrees with a wife, it's acceptable to get in her face and yell? Hell. No.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:36     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Who are you nasty people who don't bathe every day and don't require your kids to do the same?
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:26     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:I'm on Team Dad with regard to not needing to shower. An 8 year old can get away with it for several days.

However, he shouldn't be questioning you in front of the kid. United front and all that. As the kid gets older, he will play the two of you off each other to get what he wants.


Np. Mine can't. He has BO. OP probably knows how long her child can go without a shower.

In our house, for some reason my husband doesn't think it's important for our son to not stink. I think it's important that ds not smell like BO when he leaves the house... even if ds doesn't care, it's part of our jobs as parents to enforce this stuff.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:12     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.


My aspie spouse is 80% negligent and ignores all of us when he’s home. Then he’s 10% goofball with the kids, who have vastly o ur grown that, and 10% raging/ yelling since he lost track of time or missed something and then blames (gaslights) the kids. It’s horrible to watch a father gaslight his own 5 or 7 yo or tel them they did not just hurt themselves (when they did). So fd up.

Don’t know what to do.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 16:08     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.


Not OP, but a PP here-see, as a spouse I find this exhausting. I live it, so I know. I'm at the point in my life where I just.don't.want. to deal with dh anymore. Just today, I was heading out to church really early (for a volunteering reason). 6yo DD woke up, I left her reading a book. When I got home, DH started right in on me complaining about how I 'woke dd up'. DD was happy and occupied. Did he think to give her breakfast? No...just to complain and go back to bed.

OP, I hear you and I live a similar life. I'm edging towards done, just not sure if dd is better off with the bad marriage, or him having shared custody.


I’m sick of having to prompt grown @$$ husband and adolescents on basic life things.
Will be divorcing. Kids can figure it out themselves which path to take. They see two clearly different ones.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 13:44     Subject: how to handle this behavior
Why is it so obvious OP is an Asian woman?
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 13:36     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
Anonymous wrote:sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.


Not OP, but a PP here-see, as a spouse I find this exhausting. I live it, so I know. I'm at the point in my life where I just.don't.want. to deal with dh anymore. Just today, I was heading out to church really early (for a volunteering reason). 6yo DD woke up, I left her reading a book. When I got home, DH started right in on me complaining about how I 'woke dd up'. DD was happy and occupied. Did he think to give her breakfast? No...just to complain and go back to bed.

OP, I hear you and I live a similar life. I'm edging towards done, just not sure if dd is better off with the bad marriage, or him having shared custody.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2021 10:55     Subject: Re:how to handle this behavior
sorry OP, my spouse has ADHD as does one of my children. The other is the most organized functional human in our family.

I have to treat both DH and DS like kids with adhd. Structure, expectations, nothing rushed. Announce plenty of times with plenty of time what the expectations and schedules for the day are. Like at breakfast: OK, by 10 am you need to shower. You need make sure you are showered, dressed with teeth brushed before you and Dad go out to do X. That means you need to get off your device now. You also have get dad to agree to the schedule. Then you need reminders for both.

but yeah DH can be super sensitive although usually he is the one barking orders because he feels such inner chaos that it alleviates it and he is at least on board with things like showers, etc.