Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 15:53     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her why she has decided to sign a three year contract? Maybe that is a sign she is not ready to settle down. An easy out.


OP here. The company was only offering a 3 year contract.


in the nursing world, a 3-year contract is a pact with the devil
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 15:46     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We broke up. End of thread.


I’m sorry OP. Go out there ans find someone that shares your plans for the future.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 15:39     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:OP here. We broke up. End of thread.


Sorry OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 15:33     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
OP here. We broke up. End of thread.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 11:22     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Pay her debt for her if you want her to stick around.


OP here. I offered and she told me she couldn’t accept it. It’s a lot of money. Close to 90k.


That’s because you’re not married. It’s a weird power dynamic if you’re dating, but if you were engaged and got married, it’s fine. At that point finances are joint so it’s NBD.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 11:05     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re absolutely right that this is something mature, committed couples talk about together before making a decision. So sit down and talk to her about it. If there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship, you have to have this talk. Hopefully she’s honest with you if she has indeed decided to leave you behind.


They are not engaged or married, heck they don't even share a water bill, but she should make a decision about a lucrative financial and career opportunity jointly with him?


DP and yes, of course. This is a serious relationship and they had been talking about moving in together and getting engaged in the imminent future. C’mon, don’t be thick about this just because you don’t feel like aligning with the guy in this situation.


I sympathize with him, this sucks, i would be hurt. But c'mon they don't have a commitment, they are dating, they had been talking about making it more serious. This woman has been presented with a VERY lucrative financial opportunity, a sure thing might i add, and she is weighing that vs. a relationship that has potential for a long term commitment. Of course this is her decision to make, OP has every incentive to make her stay and losses little if the relationship ends up not working.





Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 10:07     Subject: Re:Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel like she’s choosing a job opportunity and the chance to pay down her educational debt over your relationship. What other solutions do you see or have you offered to her concerns about her debt? Are you offering to help? Or are you just wanting / expecting her to put your relationship first — without offering any help or security or even a reasonable plan? What are you offering to change? Why would this keep you from getting engaged? It sounds like you expect to keep everything else in your life the same — instead of working together as a couple to figure out priorities and solutions.





OP here. She never discussed the offer with me before deciding to take it. She told me after she decided to take it that she was going to take the job. I asked her to stay and offered to pay for it or help pay for it. She declined. She said she felt uncomfortable with asking me to do that since we are not married.

My main issue is she didn’t even consult me. We have been talking for weeks about becoming more serious. Then she decides to take this job without even talking to me about it. I would never do that. I know we are not engaged, but we have been talking it. This is not a 6 month relationship where you’re still unsure. This is 1+ year relationship where we discussed her moving in with me, getting married, having kids, etc. I’m feel like my feelings are stronger for her than hers are for me.


Maybe she thought weeks were enough and if you wanted her to stay you would have proposed. She is doing what a man would have done in the past and good for her!


OP here. She was well aware of my timeline. I brought up moving in and getting engaged in March at the 1 year mark. She said her parents, family, and friends all said it’s important to live with someone before getting engaged or married. You don’t want to make a commitment and then realize you’re not compatible once you start living together. We agreed we would give it more time since her lease will be up this summer. I brought it back up a couple of weeks ago and she said she was ready to move in next month. We talked about me looking at rings and my plan to propose after we lived together for a couple of months. She seemed excited. Then she takes this job and tells me that she is taking it. No discussion. I don’t know any couples who are this serious who don’t discuss big changes like this with their partner first. That’s the most upsetting part for me. Clearly I’m not that important to her.


Clearly not.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 10:04     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re absolutely right that this is something mature, committed couples talk about together before making a decision. So sit down and talk to her about it. If there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship, you have to have this talk. Hopefully she’s honest with you if she has indeed decided to leave you behind.


They are not engaged or married, heck they don't even share a water bill, but she should make a decision about a lucrative financial and career opportunity jointly with him?


DP and yes, of course. This is a serious relationship and they had been talking about moving in together and getting engaged in the imminent future. C’mon, don’t be thick about this just because you don’t feel like aligning with the guy in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 10:02     Subject: Re:Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:After I had been dating my now-husband for a year, I decided to go to law school three hours a way. We were long distance for three years, but got engaged during that time and married right after I graduated. It wasn’t always easy, but we stuck with it because we were committed to each other.

I guess the question for OP is, are you actually committed to your girlfriend, or are you just marking time with her?


OP here. Very serious. I want to marry her. She doesn’t think a wedding will happen until her contract is up. I guess I’m just most upset that she didn’t even really talk me about things before even saying she would accept it. She just told me she was taking it. I would never do that. I would discuss things with her before making a decision. I’m starting to feel like my feelings for her are much stronger than hers are for me. Here I am making plans for our future, and she is making plans for herself.


NP. I will stray from the pack and say that I agree with you. It will be very difficult for your relationship to survive this job relocation, because that is not the kind of relationship you want, and your GF didn’t take any of that into account when she made her decision; it doesn’t sound like you were a factor in her thought process at all, and she decided for both of you that your relationship is “strong enough.” The fact that she didn’t discuss it with you prior to accepting the position (and its three years, not a short-term thing!), and it came out of left field speaks volumes.

It’s possible that this is an easy out for her and it’s also possible that you just have different priorities right now. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 09:24     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re absolutely right that this is something mature, committed couples talk about together before making a decision. So sit down and talk to her about it. If there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship, you have to have this talk. Hopefully she’s honest with you if she has indeed decided to leave you behind.


They are not engaged or married, heck they don't even share a water bill, but she should make a decision about a lucrative financial and career opportunity jointly with him?






Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 08:20     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:Guy here and here's the hard truth OP - she's showing you through her actions (and words, I guess), that she's not into the relationship as much as you. Rather than being direct about it (i.e., saying "let's break up/take a break" clearly), she is literally moving on. Doesn't mean she doesn't have feeling for you, but in her mind, you likely are/were not the guy she sees herself with for the long haul.

You perfectly in your right to feel upset. But you need to process this, heal, let her go, and move on.


When a man choose a travel job he is being responsible and saving up for his future family.
When a woman choose a travel job she is moving on with her life.

I have relocated and my spouse extensively traveled for a decade. We grow up poor and can’t fathom saying no to 40% raise just to stay in the same geographic area. Maybe she is the same, not registering taking a job has anything to do with a relationship maybe she saw many families live apart for financial reasons while growing up.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 08:19     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
OP, you’re absolutely right that this is something mature, committed couples talk about together before making a decision. So sit down and talk to her about it. If there’s any chance of salvaging the relationship, you have to have this talk. Hopefully she’s honest with you if she has indeed decided to leave you behind.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 08:13     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Guy here and here's the hard truth OP - she's showing you through her actions (and words, I guess), that she's not into the relationship as much as you. Rather than being direct about it (i.e., saying "let's break up/take a break" clearly), she is literally moving on. Doesn't mean she doesn't have feeling for you, but in her mind, you likely are/were not the guy she sees herself with for the long haul.

You perfectly in your right to feel upset. But you need to process this, heal, let her go, and move on.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 08:11     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you are married the debt will be a joint problem.
Sounds like she is trying to manage what’s best for your future.

Plenty of young ppl traveled extensively for career, and most don’t end up single either.


+1 I traveled 90% of the time (46-47 weeks per year) for the first 6 years after grad school, which included the entirety of my dating and marriage to my husband. I have absolutely no debt, own our home and vehicles outright, and was able to take a job that still pays very well and has minimal travel and a straight 40hr work week. We are now having our first.

Here’s what I recommend:
1. Propose now
2. Move her life into your house before her contract begins. She’ll take some things with her, but it’s not a full relocation every time. This makes you home base for when she has a chance to visit between locations
3. You travel to her. Monthly at least.
4. See how it’s going in 12 months. Most travel nurses stay in one place for 6 months to start, but may extend. 12 months will give you both a chance to see how the relationship holds up and may make her want to get married while she’s still traveling.
5. Set a date.


Don’t do this. I’m in the minority here but I think proposing will be a big mistake. She didn’t even consult you on this? Her motives and actions speak for themselves. She’s not interested in being with you. I would cut your losses and look for someone else who shares the same goals. She’s not it for you, OP.

I was in almost a year with my now husband when I was interested in a job that would require travel. I knew it was my decision to make, but definitely wanted to let him know and get his opinion on it. Her not asking you is a big sign. Maybe this is her way of telling you she doesn’t feel the same way.


DH and I would never be able to have the conversation, if one of us in a way influence another’s career decision, it will lead to many regrets and resentments.

But that doesn’t stop us from begging committed and work things around the new jobs.
Anonymous
Post 05/15/2021 08:07     Subject: Girlfriend taking job In another state
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you are married the debt will be a joint problem.
Sounds like she is trying to manage what’s best for your future.

Plenty of young ppl traveled extensively for career, and most don’t end up single either.


+1 I traveled 90% of the time (46-47 weeks per year) for the first 6 years after grad school, which included the entirety of my dating and marriage to my husband. I have absolutely no debt, own our home and vehicles outright, and was able to take a job that still pays very well and has minimal travel and a straight 40hr work week. We are now having our first.

Here’s what I recommend:
1. Propose now
2. Move her life into your house before her contract begins. She’ll take some things with her, but it’s not a full relocation every time. This makes you home base for when she has a chance to visit between locations
3. You travel to her. Monthly at least.
4. See how it’s going in 12 months. Most travel nurses stay in one place for 6 months to start, but may extend. 12 months will give you both a chance to see how the relationship holds up and may make her want to get married while she’s still traveling.
5. Set a date.


Don’t do this. I’m in the minority here but I think proposing will be a big mistake. She didn’t even consult you on this? Her motives and actions speak for themselves. She’s not interested in being with you. I would cut your losses and look for someone else who shares the same goals. She’s not it for you, OP.

I was in almost a year with my now husband when I was interested in a job that would require travel. I knew it was my decision to make, but definitely wanted to let him know and get his opinion on it. Her not asking you is a big sign. Maybe this is her way of telling you she doesn’t feel the same way.