OP, I say this kindly, but you sound very needy. Your post is all about what these theoretical friends would do for you, the hole in your life that you need filled.

Can I suggest trying to shift your focus a bit? Look for other ways to bring meaning and interest in your life: a new hobby to master, something educational - some kind of goal to work toward. At the same time, stop thinking about what you need from these friends, and think instead about what you can do for them. If you are emotionally take-take-take, that will drive people away. But if you are emotionally and intellectually satisfied with your new hobby/project, you will bring more to the friendship table than you take from others.

As a bonus, taking a class in something that interests you is a great way to meet people who have similar interests and free time. You do have to stick with it for a while before you can expect those acquaintances to develop into real friendships, but see above: the goal is personal fulfillment through other means while you start laying the groundwork for long-term friendships.

I live in a super family friendly and close-knit neighborhood in Arlington. My best mom friends are my neighbors and they’re all smart and fun. The proximity to each other reminds me of college. We met initially at neighborhood playgrounds, the pool and just walking our kids when they were babies. Part of the reason North Arlington is so grossly expensive is not just the location but the peer group - for parents and kids.

Anyone else notice that every DCUM thread about making friends turns nasty, with posters blaming the OP?

I wonder why that is....

You are pigeonholing people based on how you perceive them, but what you are actually experiencing is how people act in particular types of social situations.

Also, once you develop a relationship with people based on the thing you are doing that you have in common (hanging out at the playground, grabbing lunch between meetings, sitting through a long Tball game, etc), that relationship, if mutually satisfying, will branch into areas of discussion beyond the immediate activities and superficial things you have in common. Unless you meet during a crisis (like your very first mom friends when the kids are babies, lol), relationships start off superficial and evolve. If they don't then keep looking for different people -- they are out there.

I used to look forward to swim practice because the parents I hung out with in the stands engage in wonderful intellectual discussions. The parents I met at playgrounds evolved into different groups of friends I hang out with for different reasons, some intellectual, some hobby related, some became close personal friends, and some just stayed at casual kid stuff. The friends I made at work we see socially less often than we used to, but we plan for it, same with college friends.

Also, if you are looking for immediate intellectual engagement, go to a place/event/group/party where that is the focus. When you get there, you will find all kinds of people: college friends, SAH parents, WOH parents, retirees, and so on.

Focus on being a good friend to the people you meet before you expect them to be a good listener for you. I suspect a lot of the moms you meet feel weird about talking about the news with a new acquaintance. No one likes to hear someone else’s work stories. Keep the topics light until you have a deeper friendship.

OP, it sounds like you are letting the "mom" portion of your life define you. It also sounds like you're judging the women you meet because they don't check ALL your boxes.

You don't have to have your mom friends fill all the buckets you need for friendship. Your mom friends can simply be the parents of your kids' friends and people who you like chatting with while your friends play in the backyard.

You can have other friends (who may be single! or not parents! or other genders!) who fill your other buckets. You might do well with reconnecting with your high school and college friends.

On one hand, forging friendships with new friends can be hard, but on the other hand, I feel like being home during the pandemic has given me the opportunity to make close new friendships with my neighbors.

Anonymous wrote:This is probably just me, but if I met a new “mom friend” and got a let’s-bare-our-souls-to-each-other vibe, I’d probably run. My DH, kids and parents already need me - I don’t want to add another person to this list. I just want to meet up with my friends for a pleasant, drama-free lunch or playdate.

Ha ha ha!!! Yeah. I feel the same way!!

Anonymous wrote:Where do you live? Left DC recently but my closest friends were city neighbors in their 60s and 70s who had fascinating careers and thought my DC was adorable. Friends don’t need to be moms. The best option for friends are the people near you as your life is currently structured.

Yeap this!!!!

I have friends in my neighborhood who are both working moms and SAHMs, and retirees. My SAHMs are smart, have advanced degrees, and are not boring. If you live in the suburbs, these are your neighbors too.

I meet my neighbors/friends when I go out for walks by myself or when I walk the dog with or without kids.

I have been friends with them for years, but it certainly took time to develop our friendship. I’m a huge extrovert and know how to bring people out of their shell. Trust has to be developed... and that takes time.

And I do not hang out at Starbucks all day.

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Did your DH maintain his friendships?

She social engineers her DH’s and DC’s friendships 😀

I am a WOHM with three close friends whom I see individually or together at least once a month despite having little kids. I’m sure that time will increase when the kids grow up and leave us alone! I don’t need to quit so I can do weekday coffees and lunches because I’d rather be busy using my brain rather than hanging out at Starbucks all day chatting about the price of groceries...

Dp here. I’m not sure why women have to rip each other apart. I am a SAHM now but I used to be a working mom. I will probably go back to work or do some nonprofit work. My working status does not define me. DH works and earns a seven figure income so my income is not needed. I am plenty busy with my three children.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

Did your DH maintain his friendships?

She social engineers her DH’s and DC’s friendships 😀

I am a WOHM with three close friends whom I see individually or together at least once a month despite having little kids. I’m sure that time will increase when the kids grow up and leave us alone! I don’t need to quit so I can do weekday coffees and lunches because I’d rather be busy using my brain rather than hanging out at Starbucks all day chatting about the price of groceries...

OP, now that I read your update, and that you had two close mom friends in the city you clicked with right away, I wonder if you are actually maybe living in a place that is somehow just not a cultural fit for you, friend-wise.

Signed, a person who probably would enjoy talking to you who lives in the middle of the city.

This is probably just me, but if I met a new “mom friend” and got a let’s-bare-our-souls-to-each-other vibe, I’d probably run. My DH, kids and parents already need me - I don’t want to add another person to this list. I just want to meet up with my friends for a pleasant, drama-free lunch or playdate.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't dismiss the SAHMs because of this level of superficial conversation. I think many people would take a little bit longer to have conversations about hot ticket items because it can require a level of comfort that takes time to build. Add into the fact that this is occurring when you're distracted watching toddlers or preschool aged kids, I just think it takes time that you're not giving them. You seem a bit dismissive.

As for how I met my friends who are like the people you're looking for, I joined an activity for myself. Most are working parents with kids of various ages. But again, it took time for friendships to develop beyond the superficial conversation stage.

OP here. I've hung out with people for 2-4 years and gotten to know them quite well. It's not like I write people off after one playdate. We just don't click and don't have much in common...I keep hanging out with them anyway, but they still change the subject whenever I try to bring up the deeper topics that interest me.

I am a SAHM. I went to Harvard and had a long career before deciding to stay home. I check all your boxes. Just because someone is smart does not make you friends. I have a mix of working and SAHM friends. I have a lot of friends I met in mom groups, preschool and the PTA. We live in an area with well educated parents.

You should focus on making friends, not mom friends.

I'm also a SAHM and, like you, I went to fancy brand schools and had a fancy job before chucking the job. Also, like you, I have a lot of friends --- "mom friends", but also old friends from school and from work, and neighbors, and friends from volunteer gigs, and friends from book groups, and from classes I've taken, etc. My youngest child is now in college, and it's been interesting to see my peer moms who have been WOHM for years suddenly realizing that they don't have friends. I am very grateful that, as a SAHM, I've had the opportunity to cultivate and maintain friendships. Maybe in the post-pandemic era, as we think about what a healthier work-life balance could look like, we can give some consideration to the benefits of friendships.

I work full-time as do all my close friends. Three of them are coming this weekend to stay at our beach house with me. One of them is coming next month to stay for a whole week. Four of them I am meeting up in DC in late summer. Two of them I am having lunch with tomorrow.

It's not a WOHM/SAHM thing. It's a personality thing.

To be fair, that is also a mom-of-older-kids thing. The OP (and I) have little kids, in my case three under 7 right now. I just can't go away for the weekend, especially since I'm still breastfeeding, and no friend wants to stay at my crazy house for a week. I think the OP just needs to give it a few years. People with little kids don't have the bandwidth to get together with friends and discuss deep thing whether they work or SAH. Those days may be coming for us, but they aren't right now.