Anonymous wrote:Reading this board sometimes makes me realize how frugal my husband is. Together we make around 700-800k. Yet we still live in our starter house, still drive regular cars, do not send our kids to private school, do not have any household help, have never flown anything above coach, don’t eat out at fancy restaurants, etc. I feel guilty buying myself nice things (like a $200 sweater).

I admit that some of this is me (I have no interest in cars or restaurants) but I’d definitely like to travel more. He always wants to go to the same places though, which I find boring after a while. I would be interested in buying a vacation house depending on where it was but he says it is too much work to maintain.

Even small things like time savers - I asked him if we could hire someone to paint the living room and he said he’d do it himself because otherwise it would be 1k to hire out. Another example is that our family skis. I’d like to hire a private instructor to take the kids so DH and I could do our own thing for the day and challenge ourselves/go fast instead of the constant start/stop of skiing with kids. It would be about $1k though and looks at me like I’m nuts.

Is this normal behavior and this board is just spendy? I feel like I don’t know what is a lot of money anymore. He thinks $1k is a lot of money to spend on painting a room or giving ourselves a fun day on our own on vacation. Whereas I feel like we can afford it?

I haven't read all the replies but I think you and DH should have a talk about this. You need to communicate that a little more vacation and home maintenance money would make you happier. And then the two of you set aside $2k or so extra for the house and the cost of one nice trip and a ski instructor per year. These are modest asks given your HHI.

I sometimes wish I had your problem. My husband makes >$500K, $700K combined, and I get palpitations when he books rooms at the four seasons, wants to eat out every night, and spends $100/day of food and wine. Meanwhile getting him to contribute to the kids’ 529 is like getting blood from a turnip, and I am the only one worried about retirement (ours are separate). I get no joy from these superficial extrvagances knowing the big ticket items are going infunded.

Anonymous wrote:Idk, I’m with him. I don’t think 5 mil is a lot of money. Certainly not enough to spend the kind of money you want to spend - flying private, vacation house, luxury cars, 1k private ski instruction, etc.

You’re going to need that money in your old age now that life expectancy is so damn long. Gotta pay people to keep your demented ass out of the road.

They have a NW of $5M and they're in their early 40s. How much do you think their going to have accumulated at this rate in the next 20 years?

Spend money on experiences and memories, OP. I think you need to make your life easier and happier. Get a housekeeper, enjoy a luxurious meal, have a truly relaxing vacation. Maybe you should speak to a financial planner about this. You may need an objective third party to help you make your case.

I still live in my starter home, drive a boring car etc. But I do spend on things to make my life easier like I’d hire someone to paint, do yard stuff, etc

We earn far less than you, OP, and my husband and I have very different ideas about money. He will only do free or very inexpensive things: the Smithsonians, bike rides, free concerts at the Library of Congress, picnics in the park. It infuriated me because I love to travel and eat out.
I started to break him down. I said, "It's important to me to spend money rather than be tense about how messy the house is" (he and the kids are slobs and I'm not saint). So I pay for the cleaning lady, who has become a friend.
I love to travel and don't like to sweat transportation to and from the airport (pre-covid). So I pay for a Lyft to the airport. He will travel to see family or friends, but not to see places.
I say, "Let's go see your brother and his wife." I buy the tickets and he covers all other expenses--this is agreed upon before we go.
Otherwise, I plan our travel--the FREEDOM to go where I want to go!--and if I want to eat out, I say, "I'm going out with my girlfriends."
Gradually he said, "I'd like to come" and so on special occasions I will book a restaurant for the two of us (I pay for the babysitter and the restaurant).
It's weird but it works for us.
There is a lot of negotiating.
I do a lot of travel on my own and/or with girlfriends and all our children. He resents it, at times.
It is NOT normal to be so frugal if you have the money--but there are a lot of people like our husbands, so maybe it's more normal than I think?
Start with something small that bothers you--like cleaning the house or painting. I agree with those who said that maybe your husband likes to paint, so choose your first few "splurges" carefully. Then work your way up.
As to skiing, which I love (he doesn't ski): ski school is very important to master skills and learn safety and to feel comfortable on the mountain (suppose they don't see you on the slopes?) Put your foot down on that and throw 'em into ski school. If it's very expensive, there are half-day schools.
Good luck, OP! I've been there! Still doing that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal. I would say that is a “lot” of money. It’s a healthy income but def not to the point where you should be flying private and dropping 1k per day on private instructors!

That’s probably why he’s so frugal - he knows you’d be out of control with your spending habits if he didn’t have a tight hold on the reigns!

NOT a lot of money, sorry

It’s UMC for DC, not splash out with no concern money

Ridiculous answer. OP- while this is a debate between you and your DH, your income allows you to be thrifty AND also give kids ski lessons or hire a painter.
Doing someone special is not the same as doing it regularly.
Also, your income IS a lot of money. The person above is truly out of touch. Wow.

Opie, how much money does your job bring in each year? How much money does your husband‘s job bring in?

Anonymous wrote:I thought this would be about someone in the 200-300k range of income.

LOL sorry OP your husband is just cheap. Like Scrooge McDuck.

+1 I'm fairly frugal (HHI about $300K, and net worth about $3mil), but OP's DH is too much.

We hire cleaning crew (they were just here). I have kids and work FT. I don't want to spend my free time cleaning, plus I would get super annoyed with the kids about their mess
We eat out though not to posh places unless it's our anniversary or bdays.
We drive regular cars, but one is brand new.
DH is very handy and enjoys it, but some things, we hire others to do it because 1. they are professional and can do a better job 2. they are professionals and can get it done faster since DH can only work on it when he has free time

your DH has issues.

And I also grew up on the poorer side

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, I never feel the need to splurge except on travel. You need to see the world before you die.

Cars? There's no difference in actual function between a $22k car vs. a $75k mercedes.

Housing? I'm fine in a 1800 sqft home. A 5000 sqft home just means more PITA upkeep. No thanks.

Clothes? I WFH 2 days per week prior to COVID and 100% during COVID. Why do I need anything more than pajamas. Clothes rapidly go out of style. A big waste of money spending on name brands that you pay exorbitant sums of money for for giant tacky logos many times.

Dining? OK, but it isn't like I want to spend inordinate amounts of time going out to dinners all of the time. It's simply healthier to eat at home anyway.

I dunno what else to splurge on. Hobbies I guess. I just invest it all anyway and watch it keep growing on its own.

If this is really how you feel, why aren't you giving it away? You clearly have more money than you have use for, and there are tons of people out there who can't pay their rent.

Lol. Because I want to retire early?

YOU are not entitled to my wealth and fruits of my labor. Good grief. Is this the Twilight Zone?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, I never feel the need to splurge except on travel. You need to see the world before you die.

Cars? There's no difference in actual function between a $22k car vs. a $75k mercedes.

Housing? I'm fine in a 1800 sqft home. A 5000 sqft home just means more PITA upkeep. No thanks.

Clothes? I WFH 2 days per week prior to COVID and 100% during COVID. Why do I need anything more than pajamas. Clothes rapidly go out of style. A big waste of money spending on name brands that you pay exorbitant sums of money for for giant tacky logos many times.

Dining? OK, but it isn't like I want to spend inordinate amounts of time going out to dinners all of the time. It's simply healthier to eat at home anyway.

I dunno what else to splurge on. Hobbies I guess. I just invest it all anyway and watch it keep growing on its own.

If this is really how you feel, why aren't you giving it away? You clearly have more money than you have use for, and there are tons of people out there who can't pay their rent.

She won’t bc she’s a greedy hoarder who probably lectures other people to spend less and “pull themselves up by the bootstraps” if they’re going through hard times.

Anonymous wrote:I dunno, I never feel the need to splurge except on travel. You need to see the world before you die.

Cars? There's no difference in actual function between a $22k car vs. a $75k mercedes.

Housing? I'm fine in a 1800 sqft home. A 5000 sqft home just means more PITA upkeep. No thanks.

Clothes? I WFH 2 days per week prior to COVID and 100% during COVID. Why do I need anything more than pajamas. Clothes rapidly go out of style. A big waste of money spending on name brands that you pay exorbitant sums of money for for giant tacky logos many times.

Dining? OK, but it isn't like I want to spend inordinate amounts of time going out to dinners all of the time. It's simply healthier to eat at home anyway.

I dunno what else to splurge on. Hobbies I guess. I just invest it all anyway and watch it keep growing on its own.

If this is really how you feel, why aren't you giving it away? You clearly have more money than you have use for, and there are tons of people out there who can't pay their rent.

Short answer, this is super cheap. I live more "extravagantly" than this on $185k.

My question, for both you and your husband, is what do you want to do with your money? What's it for? You're sitting on $5 million. How much of that do you see as being your "cushion" if anything goes wrong (like your income drops), how much is retirement, how much do you want to pass along to your kids? Money is not just numbers on a bank statement, it's a tool to be used. I think starting there would be your best bet. Because if the answer becomes, well, it's for retirement, and actually, we're putting away more than we need to have the kind of retirement we want, then you've just got money sitting there going to waste. And when you have money that you've identified that you, essentially, have no use for, than it becomes easier to have a conversation about how you would like to use it (outsourcing chores, nicer vacations, house maintenance, etc).

I dunno, I never feel the need to splurge except on travel. You need to see the world before you die.

Cars? There's no difference in actual function between a $22k car vs. a $75k mercedes.

Housing? I'm fine in a 1800 sqft home. A 5000 sqft home just means more PITA upkeep. No thanks.

Clothes? I WFH 2 days per week prior to COVID and 100% during COVID. Why do I need anything more than pajamas. Clothes rapidly go out of style. A big waste of money spending on name brands that you pay exorbitant sums of money for for giant tacky logos many times.

Dining? OK, but it isn't like I want to spend inordinate amounts of time going out to dinners all of the time. It's simply healthier to eat at home anyway.

I dunno what else to splurge on. Hobbies I guess. I just invest it all anyway and watch it keep growing on its own.

OP out HHI is much less than yours (220k), but we do prioritize travel and time with our kids! Things like clothes/house size/cars just are not that important to us. We do have cleaners come and try to take some great vacations as a family. To balance (and be able to afford it!) I usually do a mix of price points for our hotels. Maybe you can talk to your husband about something like that (even though you can afford just a nice hotel the whole time). We also have done ski school for the kids to have some time to ourselves.

Can you plan some of these things yourself for the family or is it always a big discussion?

Anonymous wrote:Me, me and me.

Grew up poor.

The only splurge is those private ski instructors for the kids.

No fancy restaurants, not even for celebrations. No interest. No expensive clothing.

Cars we keep them.

House nothing fancy, we do own more than one. For investments.

Fly coach always.

This kind of logic, if you can call it that, always puzzles me. It boils down to, "I don't spend money on things that don't interest me." Well, no kidding. This isn't an example of frugality, it's an example of sanity. I don't like the opera, or the ballet. No interest in going. How ridiculous would it be for me to say that I am frugal because I don't spend $1000 on an evening at the opera? Pretty ridiculous.

Frugality, or not splurging, is controlling your spending by pulling back on necessities, or things you like but decide are too expensive. It isn't patting yourself on the back that ou don't spend money on things you don't like anyway.