Anonymous wrote:OP, you say that your nieces and nephews steer clear of your stepmom. You say that she was cold and mean to you. And none of your siblings are close to her either. Do you think that your stepmom had an easy time marrying your dad? Because it sounds like you and your siblings didn't treat her well. And I think your dad probably enjoys a warmer relationship with his stepchildren. You say it's not about the money but you bring up your dad's wealth and say you don't want to battle your stepmom for inheritance. They've been married a long time and she should be entitled to something. Your attitude is very 'me, me, me'. No one owes you a vacation or an inheritance when you don't have a good relationship with your own bio dad.

Lots of projecting going on here.

This is very sad. I don't know that my kids' stepmom is so bad but my exH certainly dgaf about his first bio kids. I'm fairly certain that any interaction with them is initiated by the new wife (and former ap, ironically -- prob not much of a turn on to have an H that ignores his first kids)

You cannot control others, only your reaction, so I would keep my distance in every way possible and protect those boundaries. It's all that you can do, unfortunately, and it's your father's loss.

OP, per the usual...this thread was totally derailed by people projecting (angry stepmothers, etc).

I could be one of the stepmother’s kids in this situation. My mother and stepfather treat his children exactly this way. I also happen to be best friends with my stepsister so I understand your perspective very well. Your analysis of this situation is on the mark. Your father has selected marital harmony over his children. Accept this and distance yourself. He doesn’t deserve you.

The only thing I find odd here is that you haven’t processed these feelings years ago. Your dad hasn’t prioritized you in 20 years. You have got to find a way to move through the hurt and no longer have expectations that will never be met. I’m sorry it has happened, but you have to get to the point where this crap no longer bothers you so much — likely with therapy.

And I say this as someone with a dad that will never love his children the way they deserve to be loved, and definitely has a closer relationship with his step kids that come into his life in his 70s. He also will likely leave all the money to the new wife while continuing to lie to my face that the will he and my mom did, which is in my files and I am the executor, is still valid.

But I don’t expect anything different from him and none of it hurts me. He is pretty good with my kids so I see him and his wife in small doses and know that it is superficial. If he ever hurts my kids, the limited contact will go down more and perhaps end entirely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father married a woman who flipped a switch on their wedding day. My sibling and I were in our 20s, and her kids were in their 30s. My brother and I are educated, and we are constant reminders of my mother (despite the fact that they divorced when I was a toddler) - both of which annoy our father's wife. She made him choose, and he went along with it every step of the way. It was her and her family or us. We tried to fight, and continue our relationships, but she escalated her crazy and made things much worse. Some parents have no spines, and others are insecure. Biological children never fare well when the new parents are one of each (spineless and insecure). It sucks.

Oh you just reminded me of something!
When we were growing up and my dad first married his second wife, he told us that we were forbidden to mention my mom around her because she didn't like hearing about her. We couldn't even say something like "Mom said this or that..." or "Mom bought me a new shirt." No mention of our mom whatsoever.

My sister is my parents' only biological child and my brother and i are adopted. But yeah. My dad is definitely spineless.

Sorry op. Second wives can be weird. My dad’s wouldn’t let him talk about my mom and she was dead! Not exactly a threat. My kids (who were naturally curious about her) would ask an innocent question and she would shoot him a look so that he wouldn’t answer them.

This is totally normal in a step mom situation.

Of course she only wants her own kids over all day on Christmas or on vacations. Put yourself in her shoes and really think about it. Do you want a bunch of near strangers on vacation with you? No of course not.

Honestly, you’re lucky to be invited at all.

If you were to say your dad is an orthopedic surgeon, I would know exactly what family of which you speak. His step kids definitely got the best end of the deal and are living their best lives now.

Anonymous wrote:How close are you with your step mom? If you want to see your step mom you need to be best friends with your step mom and buddy up to her. Not fair, but it just is that way.

Yep. I get along with my step MIL really well, much better than with my FIL and she invites us often.

Anonymous wrote:This is why I will never divorce my husband. Divorce has repercussions decades after the fact.

My mom behaves this way. She goes out of her way to be nice to her boyfriend's family - kids and grandkids. They all travel together, she remembers everyone for their birthdays and holidays. If we are lucky my kid gets a random book he has zero interest in for his birthday or the holidays or a shirt from their vacations. I just hope they plan to take care of her when she needs help as she has burned her bridges with us. I got nothing for my birthday but an email (not call) a week later.

Some men are like reptiles. They don't particularly care about what happens to their biological children. Sorry, your dad is a snake.

Why did he need to get married? Weird man.

Both my parents are like that. I stoped caring and engaging them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be an adult OP and talk to him. Also don't know why you say the stepmother is so bad. Your dad is a pretty awful dad if he didnt step in once she kicked you out or the fact that he lets her decide food and everything.

My dad is a nice man but he lets his wife do whatever she wants and he acts oblivious to her behavior. My mom agreed this is how he has always been. They were married 18 years. And yeah, you're exactly right. He should have stepped in but he didn't.

Is this op? Is yes, you are making excuses for a man, your dad, and making it stepmom's fault. This is the idiocy that the patriarchal society propagates all the time! Poor men are victims of evil women!
Eh, NO! Your dad is a terrible human being and it nobody else's fault but his!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone here will tell you-- it's men. They get remarried and dump their bio kids in favor of the new wife's family or the kids they have together. Don't worry about the money, the 2nd wife (and her kids) will get any money inheritance.
I wouldn't tolerate it-- would just keep my distance.

+100

+200.

We're in the same situation except the wife's kids are my spouse's half siblings, not step. So our family being constantly excluded from "family" vacations with the kids and grandkids is pretty hurtful. It is what it is though.

Anonymous wrote:Wife is doing the planning for this stuff so she sets the guest list. Have you even said “wow dad when is the vacation for our side??” Don’t sit and stew.

This. Good lord, op. Grow up and grow a backbone.