Anonymous wrote:I really think you need to put the "Aspie" thing aside. You're making a *lot* of excuses for your husband. He doesn't like therapy, he can't keep up with daily tasks of life, etc. etc. etc....excuse me, what? This is an adult, correct?

Obviously the man can control himself--he does it at work and among friends, where this is required. But at home, it sounds like there's no consequences if he insults you or other members of the immediate family. It also sounds to me like there is zero intimacy and built up resentment. All of these are *common* marriage issues that have zero to do with any diagnosis.

The only person you can absolutely change is yourself and your own behavior. I have a feeling you are letting him get away with a lot and failing to stand up for yourself and then feeling resentful and dealing with it in a passive aggressive way. You say you "deal with" verbal abuse--you mean you stand for it? I feel like you need to work by yourself with a therapist who can figure out how to set boundaries.

I mean, is he OK with a sexless marriage? If not, maybe that is something of actual interest to him that could motivate him to do better. From experience I can say this is what motivated my spouse to start trying to make some changes but I had to make a whole ton of changes too because we had a bad dynamic and that involves two people. On the PLUS side, because you have this dynamic, you alone can change it by changing yourself and refusing to participate anymore....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

It's not guaranteed that he will act around your son the way he acts now. My ex changed totally. He is always there for the kid, and is too busy putting me down. He needs DC to be on his side to do that. He is not mean to the kid and at 14, the kid simply tells him to stop.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know zero about Asperger symptoms and their adult manifestations, but many people in your situation post similar fears of separation/divorce with regard to their children. Perhaps I am naive, but do you really think your husband will handle his parental duties and visitation on a consistent basis? He doesn’t sound like the type to step up for the long haul. So, if his visitation starts out with every other weekend, how long would he be able to manage that schedule before he cancels or scales back? Hoping other divorced moms chime in because maybe I am totally off base.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Yes, actually it does present differently in everyone. Thus the expression “ if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

On the HFA / aspergers side there are certainly similar themes and the person either has negative or positive workarounds (coping mechanisms) and varying abilities to mimic an NT, or TV, or study what to respond like.
Some of the themes are well-documented, like executive functioning shortfalls, poor verbal communication skills on home/family/personal matters, lecture mode on hyper interest(s), rigid routines and can’t adapt well to changes, often avoids eye contact, general inability to see what something or someone needs, self-centeredness, etc. If overwhelmed, which can easily happen, the anxiety, shutdown, and/or anger kicks in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is my life and it is so lonely. I’ve started talking to a lawyer and getting my finances in order to leave but I really feel sad about my kids (under 4). My H seems nice and normal on his work calls (I hear them all day) but keeps to himself totally or is a jerk to us. He spends no time with us on weekends or evenings. It’s really awful and I’m kind of in shock that I ended up here. The masking is real during the courting/dating phase.

Will he allow you to care for the kids and just do occasional visits or dinners?

Or will he try to maintain an external image and want the label of coparenting/co-custody and hire a nanny, his mom or new Gf to do the caring? Or will he think he can do it and end up just goofing around all the time or scolding?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Yes, actually it does present differently in everyone. Thus the expression “ if you’ve met one person with autism, you’ve met one person with autism.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

No, ASD does not present differently in everyone. It's a syndrome with a specific definition and normed tests. I'm talking about OP's armchair diagnosis of her husband, BTW.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that doesn’t sound like autism.

I assume you’re responding the pp with the ASD tween. That’s me. I’m going to listen to the experts thanks. When ASD is diagnosed late, and mom has been blamed for over a decade for the ASD behaviors and told that she just needs to be a better parent, yes, a lot of ASD behaviors can turn into struggles with rage.

ASD presents differently in everyone.

Anonymous wrote:This is my life and it is so lonely. I’ve started talking to a lawyer and getting my finances in order to leave but I really feel sad about my kids (under 4). My H seems nice and normal on his work calls (I hear them all day) but keeps to himself totally or is a jerk to us. He spends no time with us on weekends or evenings. It’s really awful and I’m kind of in shock that I ended up here. The masking is real during the courting/dating phase.

Anonymous wrote:My story exactly, OP. After 12 years of marriage, we're getting a divorce, 2 kids in elem. Not ideal, but certainly better than this agony of remaining married. Things got progressively worse at home, but his facade has always been up outside the household. Everyone knows him as the calm, rational, kind guy. They wouldn't believe that he hasn't touched me in 4 years, or that he's putting the kids in 6-hr timeouts, or that he's kicking holes in the wall during a tantrum.

Anonymous wrote:OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
DP
lol... that was our therapist. even she, with her expertise, couldn't draw out my STB ex. His rigidity and narrow thinking had become his only way he knew to be himself.
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

Anonymous wrote:OP. ..

I got some homework for you.
Start here:
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164

Also a question, when you say.. therapy.. do you mean you used specialized therapy for Asperger marriages or just a random therapist who happens to know what Asperger is and treats kids and young adults.

You need a professional who specializes in the marriage counseling of Neurotypical + Aspergers.

I think she is somewhat an expert on the topic and can recommend you local professional.
go over this page in its entirety .. there is a lot of info that might be of help to you on the mid and bottom of it..
https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/sarah-swenson-20110804

You may need a life coach for your husband also as they tend to need someone who train them rather
DP
lol... that was our therapist. even she, with her expertise, couldn't draw out my STB ex. His rigidity and narrow thinking had become his only way he knew to be himself.
then just analyze. Not to say that you both need counseling too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes. But for me the point is moot - I cannot divorce now. Also, since my husband and son are always at loggerheads, I prefer to protect my children by being always there, instead of having shared custody (which my husband would want and get).

OP, please realize you are not protecting your children by staying. Instead, you are giving them a higher exposure than if you left and gave them 50% of their time in a emotionally healthy household. By spending 24/7 in the disordered relationship, you are teaching your kids that that behavior is normal and to be accepted. They will replicate the dynamic in intimate relationships for the rest of their lives. they will not develop healthy rmotional and communication skills because they never see any. What you model for them is distorted by the disordered relationship.