I wear yoga clothes to work. I’m sure folks think I’m sahm.

Just say no.

Carpooling should be give and take.

Pre covid I was all about carpooling. I’m a SAHM. I had banked a lot of favors when I had only 2 children. When I had my third, people often just gave my kids rides since we all lived close.

We ended up moving 2 years ago and I wasn’t able able to carpool due to lack of knowing people and what people were signing up for. Just started trying to carpool and then covid happened. Starting next week, I have to drive my kids to 2 different practices everyday. Thankfully none of the practices have the exact same drop off and pick up but I will have to drag my 4yo. I wish I could carpool!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does everyone know who is a SAHP and who is a working parent? I don't even know this about some of my friends, let alone random neighbors.
It's rare that I think a SAH parent is actually working out of the home full time traditional hours (although it's happened...some people manage to look busy and harried no matter how little they actually have going on), but I can't differentiate a SAHP vs someone with a flexible or part time job unless I specifically ask.

Maybe some of the SAHP's feeling taken advantage of need to be a little more closed mouth about their actual work status...

Because we talk with our friends. I don't know for random neighborhood parents, but of course I know if my friends work outside the home.

Your gossip can be wrong. People often assume I am a SAHM and I am not. I have been WFH since before the pandemic. There is a difference. Now the rest of the country understands this. Let's see if the understanding sticks.

Anonymous wrote:How does everyone know who is a SAHP and who is a working parent? I don't even know this about some of my friends, let alone random neighbors.
It's rare that I think a SAH parent is actually working out of the home full time traditional hours (although it's happened...some people manage to look busy and harried no matter how little they actually have going on), but I can't differentiate a SAHP vs someone with a flexible or part time job unless I specifically ask.

Maybe some of the SAHP's feeling taken advantage of need to be a little more closed mouth about their actual work status...

Because we talk with our friends. I don't know for random neighborhood parents, but of course I know if my friends work outside the home.

How does everyone know who is a SAHP and who is a working parent? I don't even know this about some of my friends, let alone random neighbors.
It's rare that I think a SAH parent is actually working out of the home full time traditional hours (although it's happened...some people manage to look busy and harried no matter how little they actually have going on), but I can't differentiate a SAHP vs someone with a flexible or part time job unless I specifically ask.

Maybe some of the SAHP's feeling taken advantage of need to be a little more closed mouth about their actual work status...

Anonymous wrote:I'm a parent who likes to carpool. I like driving less, my kids like arriving places with friends. It works for me.

But I don't understand why, if I ask you if you would like to carpool, you can't just say "no thanks". You don't need to apologize or be kind or let me down gently. You also don't have to imply that because I like to carpool and you don't that I'm some kind of user with whiny kids who is out to sue you or take advantage of you. You just say "No, thanks".

+1. Thanks for sticking up for those of use who carpool!

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM I generally say no to summer carpools because I want the freedom to come and go with my kids. If we want to have a picnic lunch On a whim, go to the pool, visit a museum, etc without worrying about getting Timmy home first. Summer is meant to be stress free. Also, it’s not a carpool as other parents don’t pitch in (Ananda is taking her kid anyway so mine can hitch a ride).

Agreed. That is not a carpool. Is that what OP is talking about? I can see saying "no" to that.

Usually when I do carpools, one parent does drop-off and the other does pick-up every day. I like it even as a SAHM because it means that my first grader can go to swim team in the morning, rather than sit in the car while I drive my third grader to art camp. And then after camp, we might go get ice cream or have a little playdate until the other parent finishes work.

I just text or email exactly what I am willing/able to do only and do not commit to more than that. I have found that this approach is very important. It shuts down other parents who want to take advantage of your time or kindness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a stay at home for awhile in a neighborhood with working parents. While I never minded helping out in a pinch I did not want to be on the hook for any regular childcare. I was just very honest and direct. One Mom wanted me to get her daughter off the bus ALL the time after I did it as a favor once or twice. I just said very clearly, "I'm not able to do it every day, but I'm happy to help out occasionally." I never explained why, I just left it at that. You do not have to explain or justify. Just state your answer in a friendly clear way.

+1

This is what I always do. I hate carpools for many of the reasons stated here, but will almost always be happy to help in a pinch. I usually just say something to that effect, which is the truth! Usually “I can’t commit to carpool, sorry- our schedule is way to erratic with all 3 kids and it wouldn’t work. . But if you get in a jam, text me!”

Which is the truth.

It’s possible to be firm but still give a basic reason. These are friends (or parents I’m friendly with). I’ve never once had any pushback.

That line -text me if you are in a jam- does NOT work with some pushy, entitled parents. One family took that to mean I would always be available every afternoon because they were in a jam in terms if not being able to pick up their child ever all summer. Don’t offer anything at this point. Just say no. Later you can offer.

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM I generally say no to summer carpools because I want the freedom to come and go with my kids. If we want to have a picnic lunch On a whim, go to the pool, visit a museum, etc without worrying about getting Timmy home first. Summer is meant to be stress free. Also, it’s not a carpool as other parents don’t pitch in (Ananda is taking her kid anyway so mine can hitch a ride).

+1, we get this all the time. And, if we say we want to do other things, the parent says oh, Timmy would love to go with you (including something like a nursing home visit - no I don't want to take your kid to visit my mom at the nursing home.

Anonymous wrote:I was a stay at home for awhile in a neighborhood with working parents. While I never minded helping out in a pinch I did not want to be on the hook for any regular childcare. I was just very honest and direct. One Mom wanted me to get her daughter off the bus ALL the time after I did it as a favor once or twice. I just said very clearly, "I'm not able to do it every day, but I'm happy to help out occasionally." I never explained why, I just left it at that. You do not have to explain or justify. Just state your answer in a friendly clear way.

+1

This is what I always do. I hate carpools for many of the reasons stated here, but will almost always be happy to help in a pinch. I usually just say something to that effect, which is the truth! Usually “I can’t commit to carpool, sorry- our schedule is way to erratic with all 3 kids and it wouldn’t work. . But if you get in a jam, text me!”

Which is the truth.

It’s possible to be firm but still give a basic reason. These are friends (or parents I’m friendly with). I’ve never once had any pushback.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, thanks. We aren't planning to carpool.

+1 simple and no misunderstandings.

x10000

Simple and to the point.

x10000 again. Clear and to the point. And because I assume you are a woman, OP, don't add on a "I'm sorry" because you don't have to feel sorry.

You don't HAVE to but there's nothing wrong with a little social grease. I'm assuming OP wants to at least stay cordial with these moms. The "that doesn't work for us" answer that's recommended here over and over again makes it sound like you have zero social skills whatsoever. I don't know a single person that actually talks that way.

You can say that doesn’t work for us in a non confrontational friendly way. It’s all in your manner and the rest of the conversation. Having boundaries is healthy, finding clear way to express them with confidence (not brashness) is as well. Saying no when you need to is ok.

Anonymous wrote:As a SAHM I generally say no to summer carpools because I want the freedom to come and go with my kids. If we want to have a picnic lunch On a whim, go to the pool, visit a museum, etc without worrying about getting Timmy home first. Summer is meant to be stress free. Also, it’s not a carpool as other parents don’t pitch in (Ananda is taking her kid anyway so mine can hitch a ride).

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, thanks. We aren't planning to carpool.

+1 simple and no misunderstandings.

x10000

Simple and to the point.

x10000 again. Clear and to the point. And because I assume you are a woman, OP, don't add on a "I'm sorry" because you don't have to feel sorry.

You don't HAVE to but there's nothing wrong with a little social grease. I'm assuming OP wants to at least stay cordial with these moms. The "that doesn't work for us" answer that's recommended here over and over again makes it sound like you have zero social skills whatsoever. I don't know a single person that actually talks that way.

As a SAHM I generally say no to summer carpools because I want the freedom to come and go with my kids. If we want to have a picnic lunch On a whim, go to the pool, visit a museum, etc without worrying about getting Timmy home first. Summer is meant to be stress free. Also, it’s not a carpool as other parents don’t pitch in (Ananda is taking her kid anyway so mine can hitch a ride).