Anonymous wrote:I was the difficult child.

1. I was an extremely picky eater from infancy. I wouldn't eat meat, anything soft and mushy (so no oatmeal, ice cream, mashed potatoes, etc.), or anything that touched butter, ketchup, salad dressing, mayonnaise, cream cheese, or pretty much any other condiment. I also, from infancy, refused to eat pancakes, cake, and bread.

2. From infancy, I willingly refused to eat for up to 72 hours if I was not given access to my "preferred" foods.

3. I had severe issues with insomnia and restless sleep beginning during my toddlerhood and thus spent hours each night sobbing because I wanted to sleep but couldn't.

4. I was extremely sensitive and frequently cried because I thought everyone hated me or was mad at me.

5. I couldn't stand being outside in the sun and would complain non-stop about the headaches and rashes I would get when in sunny environments.

6. I despised wearing pants and would throw fits about my clothing choices from the time I was a toddler.

7. I was a perfectionist and spent countless hours fretting about my errors.

8. I was hyperlexic, and argued about EVERYTHING from the time I was about 18 months old.

9. I was allergic to so many things that I was almost always complaining about rashes, hives, swollen lips, etc.

10. I didn't get sick all that often, but when I did, it was very serious-- double pneumonia a few times, scarlet fever twice, and sepsis after a bout with chicken pox.

11. While everyone else in my family was very athletic, I hated sports and complained incessantly about being enrolled in team sports.

12. I was extraordinarily finicky about colors and textures of clothing, fit of shoes, hairstyles, music, and smells.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion under the age of 5 no kid is difficult, they are all difficult in the sense that they are these little out of control humans. It's all big emotions and testing boundaries and crazy mood swings. They need love and gentle guidance. The crazier they behave, the calmer parents should be. With love, patience, and gentle guidance they outgrow it and become much more reasonable humans starting at 5 (there are some exceptions of course but I think that fits most kids).

I have 1 super easy kid - like ridiculously easy. Born rule follower, go with the flow, gets along with everyone, does what he is told, doesn't ask for much.

I have 1 super normal kid who next to the first one seems difficult but is actually not at all. She is just more emotional and dramatic and pushes more boundaries.

I love them both and I parent them at an individual level, everyone is an individual and we don't all needs the same things.

But if you are struggling on your own, there is so much help out there in the form of experts. Find it so that you can feel like a good, successful parent. It's the best job you will ever have!

It's easy to decide no kid is difficult under the age of 5 when your own experience is with kids who are either typical or easy. You certainly were blessed to have such an experience.

Those of us who have experienced the easy kid, the typical kid, and the difficult kid know that there are extremes on both ends and that there are real differences among children. You just haven't experienced it yourself, so it's hard for you to imagine what others are experiencing.

I personally thought all the child rearing books were garbage while rearing my first child, until I had another child who responded the way the books promised she would to the exact same things my first child did not respond to. Those books were not written for someone like my first child.

Anonymous wrote:Makes me think... I know a difficult adult - very negative and stubborn. I wonder if she was a difficult child. She doesn’t get along with her parents too well but I thought it was more about them.
Do difficult children ever grow out of it? Barring special needs.

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it might be impossible to determine which difficult kids are special needs.

I was a difficult child.

When I was around 3 months old, I presented with several health issues that could not be diagnosed. Then one day I just grew out of my illness. Years down the road, I developed weird behavioral issues. By 11, I was diagnosed(misdiagnosed, but that is a story for another day) with an anxiety disorder, and I went on to develop neorological symptoms in early adulthood. Fortunately, I can manage almost all my symptoms with diet and vigilance. My parents look back now and see that the infanthood issues never went away; my body found a way to adapt, and the issues were expressed outwardly through behavioral outlets.

As a child, I couldn't tell them what was going on inside me because I did not know what "normal" was. I know the difference now because I have experienced life without some of my symptoms. If I could go back in time, I would. I would hug myself, my parents, and my teachers for the hell that we all went through.
I am extremely grateful for parents, godparents, teachers, friends who loved me in all my difficult ways. I was probably easier to "love" than some difficult kids because I was rarely phsical(did not hit, bite, push etc). And I was extremely "book smart" (that's how my mother called it -- good at taking tests

I am a much easier adult now. I think I am happier than most people because I have been through some stuff so my perspective is different. And I am better at communication because I am less anxious about conflict than most adults (I spent my childhood welcoming conflict at home and in school

If you have a difficult child, be consistent with discipline. However, watch out for possible signs of some health disorder. Unfortunately, no matter how vigilant you are, there are still issues that you will never catch(my parents took me to all kinds of specialists). Be loving and your child will be grateful one day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big emotions about little things. Example: me: it’s cold outside; you need to wear a sweater. My son: Starts crying and screaming, says “this is the most horrible day ever” stomps off to his room and slams drawers looking for a sweater.

Very hard on himself/a perfectionist. Me: wow I really like your drawing. You added so many nice details and colors. Him: I did a terrible job see this [stray mark] here? It’s one of my worst drawings ever.

Very competitive to the point he won’t even participate in competitions bc he hates losing/not being the best so much. So he refuses to even try to participate in sports or most games. He also refuses to even attempt to learn new skills like pump his own legs and swing himself on the swings or try riding his bike without training wheels, etc. He’s definitely strong and coordinated enough to do these things he just flat refuses to try.

Very smart and has hard time relating to kids his own age. He’s 6 and in kindergarten but reads at a 3rd grade level and reads anything he can get his hands on including a lot about science and history so he knows a lot for his age but doesn’t have the maturity to process it and will just talk and talk about things to the point another kid (and most adults too) isn’t interested. analyzes and questions everything, takes nothing at face value. Always has to know the “why” and doesn’t comply easily w requests/instructions.

Is highly sensitive and has a great/long memory. At 6 he will still bring up things that happened when he was 2 completely on his own and take himself back to that moment to rehash how he felt at the time. His feelings are intense. He gets his feelings hurt extremely easily. There’s no joking around or being silly w him. He’s a serious sensitive kid pretty much all the time which can be exhausting.

He’s just complicated. Things aren’t simple w him. I worry about if he’s happy because he often doesn’t seem like he is though he has a good life w 2 loving parents, loving and involved grandparents and a younger sister who adores him (and he adores her too) but struggles socially w his peers. We love him so much but it’s just pretty draining and exhausting sometimes to know how to best parent him when it feels like many things w him are an uphill battle.

He sounds a lot like my son, who has both ASD and bipolar disorder, and is gifted so twice exceptional (and I’m not the parent calling gifted for no reason - his IQ is in the 91st percentile according to a neuropsych evaluation). Yours doesn’t sound as violent as my son (and my sons dad doesn’t live with us and there’s definitely been a lot of “your mom doesn’t love you” coming from dad which hurts and makes it harder to treat), but you may think about an ASD eval. We weren’t told to look into one until things got to the nightmare stage, and didn’t get a diagnosis until 11 - which was terrible.

Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that as it sounds difficult and especially the part about your sons dad telling your son his mom doesn’t love him . It does make me think about my own son. We've thought before he may have something more going on that just being a difficult child. He was a very easy baby and toddler and the challenging behavior didn’t start til about age 3. He has always done well in school settings but then this year due to the pandemic he’s been homeschooled and I think that has caused some significant setbacks. We are hoping once he’s able us go back to “regular school” he will be a happier kid. But I am worried about him. Can you tell me a little more about your son’s “nightmare stage” that led you to diagnosis?

My son is not violent with people but he does things like slam doors, drawers, rip up papers that he has drawn, stomp around that show a somewhat violent side of him. Generally he’s harder on himself than on other people. He is compassionate and caring toward others, wants to please others, is very thoughtful and kind (most of the time), and is very loving and affectionate (loves cuddling and when he’s upset what he needs most is usually a hug). So I had thought that thoughtfulness and affectionate part of him is perhaps a sign that he doesn’t have ASD but I admit I don’t know a lot about ASD so I shouldn’t be so sure. I’ll look more into it. Thanks again.

If you post anything a few posters will automatically come in saying its ASD or mental health. Not similar at all.

However you need to stop him. Put a gadget on the door, paper away without supervision. Stomping... he's 6.

It’s ok. It’s crossed my mind that there is more to his issues than we realize so it’s good to consider PP’s point.

I agree w your 2nd point about stopping him from acting out and we do try. However, I don’t know that we really can stop it completely. Not sure if you’re a parent to a similarly difficult kid or not but it’s not easy to reason w him or get him to listen/follow instructions. We don’t believe in corporal punishment and time outs don’t work. How can we make him stop stomping and slamming things (we do have door bumper thing on his bedroom door already so he can’t slam that at least but he’ll slam anything else in sight when he’s angry). I’m not being snarky, genuinely interested in suggestions on how to change this behavior.

Anonymous wrote:In my opinion under the age of 5 no kid is difficult, they are all difficult in the sense that they are these little out of control humans. It's all big emotions and testing boundaries and crazy mood swings. They need love and gentle guidance. The crazier they behave, the calmer parents should be. With love, patience, and gentle guidance they outgrow it and become much more reasonable humans starting at 5 (there are some exceptions of course but I think that fits most kids).

I have 1 super easy kid - like ridiculously easy. Born rule follower, go with the flow, gets along with everyone, does what he is told, doesn't ask for much.

I have 1 super normal kid who next to the first one seems difficult but is actually not at all. She is just more emotional and dramatic and pushes more boundaries.

I love them both and I parent them at an individual level, everyone is an individual and we don't all needs the same things.

But if you are struggling on your own, there is so much help out there in the form of experts. Find it so that you can feel like a good, successful parent. It's the best job you will ever have!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Big emotions about little things. Example: me: it’s cold outside; you need to wear a sweater. My son: Starts crying and screaming, says “this is the most horrible day ever” stomps off to his room and slams drawers looking for a sweater.

Very hard on himself/a perfectionist. Me: wow I really like your drawing. You added so many nice details and colors. Him: I did a terrible job see this [stray mark] here? It’s one of my worst drawings ever.

Very competitive to the point he won’t even participate in competitions bc he hates losing/not being the best so much. So he refuses to even try to participate in sports or most games. He also refuses to even attempt to learn new skills like pump his own legs and swing himself on the swings or try riding his bike without training wheels, etc. He’s definitely strong and coordinated enough to do these things he just flat refuses to try.

Very smart and has hard time relating to kids his own age. He’s 6 and in kindergarten but reads at a 3rd grade level and reads anything he can get his hands on including a lot about science and history so he knows a lot for his age but doesn’t have the maturity to process it and will just talk and talk about things to the point another kid (and most adults too) isn’t interested. analyzes and questions everything, takes nothing at face value. Always has to know the “why” and doesn’t comply easily w requests/instructions.

Is highly sensitive and has a great/long memory. At 6 he will still bring up things that happened when he was 2 completely on his own and take himself back to that moment to rehash how he felt at the time. His feelings are intense. He gets his feelings hurt extremely easily. There’s no joking around or being silly w him. He’s a serious sensitive kid pretty much all the time which can be exhausting.

He’s just complicated. Things aren’t simple w him. I worry about if he’s happy because he often doesn’t seem like he is though he has a good life w 2 loving parents, loving and involved grandparents and a younger sister who adores him (and he adores her too) but struggles socially w his peers. We love him so much but it’s just pretty draining and exhausting sometimes to know how to best parent him when it feels like many things w him are an uphill battle.

He sounds a lot like my son, who has both ASD and bipolar disorder, and is gifted so twice exceptional (and I’m not the parent calling gifted for no reason - his IQ is in the 91st percentile according to a neuropsych evaluation). Yours doesn’t sound as violent as my son (and my sons dad doesn’t live with us and there’s definitely been a lot of “your mom doesn’t love you” coming from dad which hurts and makes it harder to treat), but you may think about an ASD eval. We weren’t told to look into one until things got to the nightmare stage, and didn’t get a diagnosis until 11 - which was terrible.

Thank you for your response. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that as it sounds difficult and especially the part about your sons dad telling your son his mom doesn’t love him . It does make me think about my own son. We've thought before he may have something more going on that just being a difficult child. He was a very easy baby and toddler and the challenging behavior didn’t start til about age 3. He has always done well in school settings but then this year due to the pandemic he’s been homeschooled and I think that has caused some significant setbacks. We are hoping once he’s able us go back to “regular school” he will be a happier kid. But I am worried about him. Can you tell me a little more about your son’s “nightmare stage” that led you to diagnosis?

My son is not violent with people but he does things like slam doors, drawers, rip up papers that he has drawn, stomp around that show a somewhat violent side of him. Generally he’s harder on himself than on other people. He is compassionate and caring toward others, wants to please others, is very thoughtful and kind (most of the time), and is very loving and affectionate (loves cuddling and when he’s upset what he needs most is usually a hug). So I had thought that thoughtfulness and affectionate part of him is perhaps a sign that he doesn’t have ASD but I admit I don’t know a lot about ASD so I shouldn’t be so sure. I’ll look more into it. Thanks again.

If you post anything a few posters will automatically come in saying its ASD or mental health. Not similar at all.

However you need to stop him. Put a gadget on the door, paper away without supervision. Stomping... he's 6.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people say "my child is difficult" but don't elaborate. Just sight and look sad. What does it mean to have difficult child.
If you think your kid is difficult, why? What make them difficult and how do you know they are not just being a kid?

I was the difficult child. As a baby, I didn't want my mother to rock me, but wanted to rock myself in the rocking chair (this was a big deal to her). I was very high energy. As a baby and kid, I was super sensitive to both light and sound. The sun was too bright (literally - to this day I get migraines and overheat if I'm in the sun too long). But I also hated dim lighting, like ambiance lighting in restaurants. I was afraid of water and never wanted to take baths or showers. I don't think I washed my face until I was in late high school. I was afraid of fire. I failed 8th grade science because I couldn't bring myself to use the bunsen burners and didn't tell my teacher. I still can't use matches. I was a picky eater, and still am. I've gone to parties and drank 7 or 8 glasses of water but eaten nothing because i didn't like the food. I am smart but have severe learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until I was 19. So I grew up being told I should do better, be better, but I couldn't and didn't know why. I have been fired from many, many jobs that I try SO HARD at. I couldn't make or keep friends. In my entire childhood I got invited to two sleepovers. I stopped having birthday parties after 2nd grade because I didn't have friends to invite to them. There are some really basic things that I can't figure out how to do - like make a baked potato or clean a cast iron pan. I ask the same question 3 or 4 or even 6 times, and then nod and smile and stop asking because I'm embarrassed to still not understand. I could go on and on but you get the idea.