Move your family out of state and tell brother and his wife to have fun taking mom to her appointments, filling out forms, home maintenance, and everything else elderly parents need help with. Or help mom sell her house to buy one a block from him.

Anonymous wrote:Why did you frame this as your brother “marrying up” and start the post by focusing on socioeconomic status when you don’t provide evidence that your brother is motivated by his in-laws’ money?

Agree. I see no evidence of this.

And the kids have never been to grandma’s house 90min away?! Unless she moved recently, that is extremely bizarre and indicative of a serious problem between brother and mom IMO. Also: of course the wife has noticed!

I’m guessing brother doesn’t get along with his Mom (regardless of what OP thinks). Brother keeps mom at arms length for this reason (and his wife is on board), does not desire a close relationship with her, but obviously maintains family ties on a basic level. This is between brother and mom (likely both share responsibility for any relationship problems) and OP should butt out. Intervening will make it worse and damage relationship with brother (and won’t help the issues with mom).

I do credit OP for not blaming the SIL (which is so common). I do find it amusing that she thinks SIL is unaware etc. Of course SIL knows brother and mom aren’t close, and the reasons why!

Have the grandkids ever been invited to Grandma’s house? That is not clear at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.

Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.

No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.

He wife knows that their kids have never been to grandma’s house - of course she’s aware of that. The inequity is obvious, he doesn’t need to bring it to her attention; she is complicit.

That being said, it sucks but there’s nothing to be done. All you can do is make your own choices about your relationship with your mom, and decide if you want a relationship with your brother as it is. You can’t make him care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible head a very different relationship with your mom and just doesn’t enjoy being with her? I know my husband’s brother thinks he is a monster for not spending more time with their dad. But his brother was the Golden Child and had everything given to him while my husband was and still is the scapegoat and the target of his dad’s nasty digs. We avoid him because it hurts.

Very much this. OP, your brother may be super thankful that he now has a family he can enjoy. Just because you are close to your mother, doesn't mean he is or has to be.

No, our mother is very sweet. And since when does a parent have to be fun or "enjoyable"? I'm sure the wealthier in-laws are more engaging or fun -- but that doesn't make it right to treat your mother like yesterday's paper. It's our mother. And I'm not going to be complicit in his attempt to pretend he's not treating her poorly. His in-laws see their grandkids multiple times a week, my mother sees the grandkids maybe twice a year. And it's not his wife, I think his wife is the only reason he calls or invites her the few times he does. His wife is a sweetheart.

Your mother is very sweet to YOU. You don’t know what your brother’s relationship with her has been. MYOB and get a new grudge.

If your SIL asks, why not just come out and tell her? “It’s hard because my mom is a bit lonely and Larlo doesn’t call her often and doesn’t seem interested in her. For example, he’s never taken your kids to visit her in all this time.” Don’t include her in any of the criticism and just state the facts neutrally, and then say it makes you and your mother sad.

Few of my middle class sorority sisters have done similar. Ghosting old friends and family, including parents, for no other reason than they don't want reminders of their "old life" around cramping their new life. Status-obsessed people are small and insecure.

The comments in this thread make me realize why so many seniors are so easily duped by scams. Their children move away or just ignore them, next thing you know the lonely parents are giving away large sums of money to a random warm voice on the phone. Or the caretaker who comes by the house a few times a week embezzles all of the savings account and none of the kids have any idea.

Why did you frame this as your brother “marrying up” and start the post by focusing on socioeconomic status when you don’t provide evidence that your brother is motivated by his in-laws’ money?

How old is your mom? If she’s in her 80s and 90s then yes I can see her needing help. But in her 60s and 70s? She should be traveling and enjoying friends, helping grandkids and not being a burden. And yes, all relationships should be enjoyable. My mom is my best friend. I do things because I love being around her. I also adore being around my grandma who is 85. She tells the best stories and is so interested in my toddlers.

Team OP. I think your mother should send letters and cards to her grandkids so that they know that she cares. She should call them directly to at least try to establish a relationship. I would not say anything about it to SIL unless she asked. Your mother is lucky to have you as a daughter.

Maybe his mom is super controlling and has pressure-fueled expectations, like you do. Maybe she thinks she deserves to dictate how he spends his time, and with whom, and when, as you do.

If so, I'd steer well clear of both of you. For good reason.

Try minding your own business and recognizing him as an adult. See how that goes.

I kind of feel like your brothers behavior is normal. Families are normally closer to thewofed parents unless there is dysfunction. It sounds like you expect more of your brother than he is willing to give. You have to make a choice about how much you are giving since you pick up the slack for your brother in your mom's care.

I have hard time believing that you don't know shy he doesn't want to hand out with your mother or you. My sister would know in a minute why I avoid her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure stuff went down between OP's brother and their mom that she either is not telling us or is not aware of. Mind your own business, OP. This is NOT your business, it's between your brother and your mom. If she wants to spend more time with him, then she needs to speak up. You sound meddlesome and awful.

+1

Something definitely happened.

+2