I'm not military, but I had four little kids on my own for a year while DH was doing a fellowship on the other side of the country. The oldest was in kindergarten, and the youngest was born just a few days before he left. I was supporting our family financially at the time, so I did work full time.
I had an au pair, so I had flexible childcare. And I hired help around the house with lawn care and cooking, and I had some friends who were SAHMs, and we would meet up after I got off of work or during my maternity leave. Sometimes if their husbands weren't working, they would come over with a crock pot or a pizza, and we would chat and let the kids play. We had a lot of dinners that were just crackers, cheese, and fruit.

It was really difficult though. This is so gross, but I remember keeping extra diapers in the car because sometimes I wouldn't be able to pee if I was out and about on my own with four little kids.

I remember thinking about military wives a lot while I was going through that year. It would have been so much harder if I couldn't talk to my husband nearly every day. I am always very impressed with these women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, PP here, I should have read the whole thread.

Some of these responses are unkind. Let's face it, some of the things we do are not strictly necessary all the time. There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner or laundry that sits a while. Expectations CAN be lower for some of these tasks and you can still be doing a great job.

Mil spouses are better educated than a lot of you seem to assume. Maybe these spouses are choosing to play educational games and do enriching things INSTEAD of prioritizing chores. I can take my kids to the smithsonian, or I can have a spotless house and a steak dinner. It's really hard to do everything. The point here is that some things can be de-prioritized if you're only pleasing yourself, and that can make things easier.

Why are you so defensive? And, the idea of typical army SAHM with 5 kids knowing what the Smithsonian is, let alone wanting to go, is kinda inconceivable. That goes for enlisted or officer. Maybe you’re better than the rest of them. Good for you

I can’t imagine why your comments would make anyone defensive. That’s a mystery.

Anonymous wrote:And, the idea of typical army SAHM with 5 kids knowing what the Smithsonian is, let alone wanting to go, is kinda inconceivable. That goes for enlisted or officer. Maybe you’re better than the rest of them. Good for you

This is patently ridiculous.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK, PP here, I should have read the whole thread.

Some of these responses are unkind. Let's face it, some of the things we do are not strictly necessary all the time. There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner or laundry that sits a while. Expectations CAN be lower for some of these tasks and you can still be doing a great job.

Mil spouses are better educated than a lot of you seem to assume. Maybe these spouses are choosing to play educational games and do enriching things INSTEAD of prioritizing chores. I can take my kids to the smithsonian, or I can have a spotless house and a steak dinner. It's really hard to do everything. The point here is that some things can be de-prioritized if you're only pleasing yourself, and that can make things easier.

Why are you so defensive? And, the idea of typical army SAHM with 5 kids knowing what the Smithsonian is, let alone wanting to go, is kinda inconceivable. That goes for enlisted or officer. Maybe you’re better than the rest of them. Good for you

Pull the stick out.

Anonymous wrote:OK, PP here, I should have read the whole thread.

Some of these responses are unkind. Let's face it, some of the things we do are not strictly necessary all the time. There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner or laundry that sits a while. Expectations CAN be lower for some of these tasks and you can still be doing a great job.

Mil spouses are better educated than a lot of you seem to assume. Maybe these spouses are choosing to play educational games and do enriching things INSTEAD of prioritizing chores. I can take my kids to the smithsonian, or I can have a spotless house and a steak dinner. It's really hard to do everything. The point here is that some things can be de-prioritized if you're only pleasing yourself, and that can make things easier.

Why are you so defensive? And, the idea of typical army SAHM with 5 kids knowing what the Smithsonian is, let alone wanting to go, is kinda inconceivable. That goes for enlisted or officer. Maybe you’re better than the rest of them. Good for you

Anonymous wrote:How do families make it work if both parents are in the military?

From what I've seen - 25 years air force spouse- this is very difficult. Most dual mil couples don't have 5 kids. Two, maybe three. They get childcare priority from the installation facilities and often there are services for overnights and stuff like that (though this part never works as well as it should.) It's pretty difficult though.

Anonymous wrote:How do families make it work if both parents are in the military?

They have to have a plan in place (an actual official one on file with their command) for who will take custody of the kids if both spouses have to deploy.
Same with a single parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

I've encountered both. I became friends with both. It really isn't as broad a gap in my experience (as the wife of a Marine corps officer.)

I've encountered both as well, and IME the main difference is the age they had kids. There may well be wives of enlisted men who had kids later, and have parenting styles (planning play dates, all wooden toys, etc) that more closely line up with DCUM hypervigilant moms, but the ones I know had kids instead of going to or finishing college and match the description of the poster getting slammed as a snob. They're good moms but they're also often overwhelmed because they have to be single parents on little income and their parenting doesn't look like DCUM bubble parenting, it looks more like the parenting I got growing up. Books in the house, sure, but not socio-emotional focused no-screen-time-before-two gender-neutral-everything etc. etc. etc.

How do families make it work if both parents are in the military?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

I've encountered both. I became friends with both. It really isn't as broad a gap in my experience (as the wife of a Marine corps officer.)

It depends. In the past, women went to college to become either nurses or teachers, in order to get married - to some, being a military wife, and the benefits that come with it, sounds like a great gig!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is really elusive about how much help she received - she had a difficult personality, so what I gleaned from her is that she had "help with the children's laundry" when they were born (I would have gladly taken that!!).

Having had many kids in few years, MIL was very overwhelmed, checked out, depressed and anxiety ridden. Not just unsupportive, but plain mean - saying things like "I'm here to see him not you!" while I was literally in the middle of feeding my newborn, nursing my baby (I'm supposed to leave my house and not feed my newborn??). She visited twice per year, even though she lived down the street. I don't know if she was so mean because she was treated badly in her life (she was), because she was treated badly by the other military wives (she was), or because she was ignored in her marriage (she was).

She had a lot of chips on her shoulder, so it is hard to know if it was her personality disorders, or being a military wife, that caused them. FIL was not around much, and was not present for most of MILs births. I think both of them were very selfish and difficult people.

I think MIL had a really lonely life, in spite of living on base. I think it is what you make it, what you sign up for, OP. You are a good friend.

I think you might be on the wrong thread?

Thanks! You are so kind! I was describing an experience I am familiar with - you don't have to like it or agree with it. Sounds like I hit home for you.

I’m sorry. You don’t have anything constructive or any actual real military spouse experience. You do have MIL issues in spades though!

Huh. You seem to have some issues yourself. I'll take my MIL issues over your issues any day.

OP, you are a good friend to support your friend - did she ask for or appear to need support? She might be doing better than you think? Or, she might be subjected to negativity such as this PP - in which case, you will want to offer your positivity and support. Like I said, you are a good friend!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

I've encountered both. I became friends with both. It really isn't as broad a gap in my experience (as the wife of a Marine corps officer.)

OK, PP here, I should have read the whole thread.

Some of these responses are unkind. Let's face it, some of the things we do are not strictly necessary all the time. There is nothing wrong with cereal for dinner or laundry that sits a while. Expectations CAN be lower for some of these tasks and you can still be doing a great job.

Mil spouses are better educated than a lot of you seem to assume. Maybe these spouses are choosing to play educational games and do enriching things INSTEAD of prioritizing chores. I can take my kids to the smithsonian, or I can have a spotless house and a steak dinner. It's really hard to do everything. The point here is that some things can be de-prioritized if you're only pleasing yourself, and that can make things easier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is weird. A bunch of military moms say "I just don't clean the house, feed them pancakes and McDonalds, and throw them in a pile with another family's kids while the moms drink" and everybody nods and claps.

Then a non-military mom says "standards are lower and they don't worry about making everything perfect" and she gets attacked for being a snob.

Mmmkay.

Well, you're not giving the full story. That isn't all she said.
"Standards are lower. They tend to not be educated, so they’re not going to spend a lot of time on enriching games, reading, cooking nutritionally-balanced food, thinking about their development and what activities would best develop them. Which is fine, most kids don’t need that level of support. We educated UMC tend to over-do it."

+1 was just coming to post this exact sentiment.

There's a pretty big gap between military wives of enlisted men who have kids, and military wives of officers who have kids. Your impression will likely depend on which group you've encountered.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is really elusive about how much help she received - she had a difficult personality, so what I gleaned from her is that she had "help with the children's laundry" when they were born (I would have gladly taken that!!).

Having had many kids in few years, MIL was very overwhelmed, checked out, depressed and anxiety ridden. Not just unsupportive, but plain mean - saying things like "I'm here to see him not you!" while I was literally in the middle of feeding my newborn, nursing my baby (I'm supposed to leave my house and not feed my newborn??). She visited twice per year, even though she lived down the street. I don't know if she was so mean because she was treated badly in her life (she was), because she was treated badly by the other military wives (she was), or because she was ignored in her marriage (she was).

She had a lot of chips on her shoulder, so it is hard to know if it was her personality disorders, or being a military wife, that caused them. FIL was not around much, and was not present for most of MILs births. I think both of them were very selfish and difficult people.

I think MIL had a really lonely life, in spite of living on base. I think it is what you make it, what you sign up for, OP. You are a good friend.

I think you might be on the wrong thread?

Thanks! You are so kind! I was describing an experience I am familiar with - you don't have to like it or agree with it. Sounds like I hit home for you.

I’m sorry. You don’t have anything constructive or any actual real military spouse experience. You do have MIL issues in spades though!