Try the podcast "Just Breathe - Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen."

In addition to many other things, it talks about how the change in the "movie reel" that you have for your child (like PPs have referenced) can be a process and maybe jarring at first. It gives suggestions on how to adjust that movie reel along with some helpful do's and don'ts.

OP here - thank you to the previous poster, whose words bring me comfort. I really appreciate you taking the time to write them. To those of you suggest my disappointment means I’m a bad parent or a homophobe, that’s really unhelpful, unless the idea is just to give me an overwhelming sense of guilt and failure. Anyway, thanks for the PFLAG suggestion. And good luck to all you parents in a similar situation with your child.

OP, please ignore all of these posters who accuse you of being homophobic or a bad mom because you feel disappointed. I recently found out my son is gay. I came here and got the same response. It made me feel terrible. Then I found other resources, like pflag, and learned that it is completely normal to go through this grieving process. I also talked to a friend who has a gay son and is the most supportive person you can imagine. Most days, she is a walking pride flag. She adores her son and his partner. She confessed to me that it was a very long road to get to that point and that she also went through these feelings of sadness and loss.

I thought my son was a straight, white, male. I never thought he was part of an oppressed or marginalized group. To suddenly realize that he will face discrimination and marginalization was upsetting and scary. Why wouldn’t it be? He will face a lifetime of struggles that I did not see coming. People on here who are saying that being gay is a non-issue because this is 2021 are simply not paying attention. Since learning my son is gay, every little gay joke or comment is magnified x100. Often, these “harmless” little puns come from people I wouldn’t have expected. It happens all the time, and I always worry about how it makes him feel. He hasn’t come out yet, so any hurt this causes is kept inside. I realized that he os paying very close attention to certain political events because he knows his freedom is at stake. I never had to worry that my kids would lose their freedom, but he very well could. As a parent, it is just more complicated than not being homophobic. You are being honest with yourself, OP, and this will help you process this so much faster.

Anonymous wrote:DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.

You are an awful mother. Why would you feel disappointed???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.

Was she previously in a bad relationship with a boy?

Ugh, go away.

OP, one suggestion, especially if you have not fully processed things yourself and you are not sure if your reactions will be completely supportive in the moment, be honest with your daughter. She's a young adult and she will understand. Start by saying what others have said, that you love her unconditionally and want to be as supportive as you can. Then be honest and say that you are still processing what she's told you yourself and that she should not judge you by your reactions. Assure her that you will be as supportive as possible, even if your initial reactions to anything she says catch you off guard. I knew someone who did that and she found that her gay son was not only understanding but in turn was able to check his reactions and they were mutually able to get through his young years together and they felt like a team. He was able to understand and sometimes provide her resources that friends' parents used. She said their relationship was actually significantly better after his coming out and their talk and her honesty than they had been before. Her son is all grown up and they still have a strong relationship.

If you are honest about your reactions but committed to being supportive, you may find that you and your daughter can give each other strength and support through the journey. Good luck.

To the OP - there is a lot of great advice on this thread both on how you can create a safe space for your child and how to react when she comes out.

There is also a lot of negativity where people criticize you for your feelings. Whether or not they should be celebrated, they are what you are experiencing, so what are the possible strategies?

1. You can go to a therapist to work through these feelings, and maybe try to figure out their root. Were your parents homophobes? Did they push narrow gender roles?

2. You can go to a PFLAG meeting and discuss this with the other parents. Some have had journeys to acceptance. I know of cases where people from very religious backgrounds found them very helpful, so they could both express their worries in a supportive environment and see how well other parents are doing in their perhaps unanticipated future.

You are not alone in anything you feel. Good luck in your journey toward acceptance and understanding.

OP here. Just want to thank everyone who has commented on this thread. I am honestly trying to do right by my daughter, and really appreciate the advice. It’s also hard because this isn’t an issue every parent faces, so I don’t feel like I can turn to friends for support - none of them have dealt with this issue, as far as I know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

I feel bad for OP here because she's indicated she wants to support her daughter and has been open about her own feelings, and even she questions her feelings. In typical DCUM fashion, a group comes of out of the woodwork to excoriate her.

Here's my take on this; Every parent unconsciously believes that his/her children will be like them. When they are not, there's a bit of unconscious cognitive dissonance that goes on. I think OP is trying to work through that cognitive dissonance.

Note that it can happen to any parent:

My white daughter is dating a black guy
My black son is dating an asian woman
My muslim child is dating a hindu

etc etc etc

It doesn't automatically mean the parent is a _______ist.

It’s not excoriating her to point out that her daughter’s greatest risk is, in fact, from her. I also don’t know why you think that gay people on an LGBT board are in “the woodwork”. We’ve been right here all along.

I wish OP luck, and I also hope that she remembers that she has the potential to greatly help or greatly harm her daughter by her attitude.

Anonymous wrote:DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.

Was she previously in a bad relationship with a boy?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

I feel bad for OP here because she's indicated she wants to support her daughter and has been open about her own feelings, and even she questions her feelings. In typical DCUM fashion, a group comes of out of the woodwork to excoriate her.

Here's my take on this; Every parent unconsciously believes that his/her children will be like them. When they are not, there's a bit of unconscious cognitive dissonance that goes on. I think OP is trying to work through that cognitive dissonance.

Note that it can happen to any parent:

My white daughter is dating a black guy
My black son is dating an asian woman
My muslim child is dating a hindu

etc etc etc

It doesn't automatically mean the parent is a _______ist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy

Why do you hope that? And do you think your gay kid would be happy if they knew that their parent had hoped they weren't?

I'm not the PP, but my best friend is a gay man and a father. He and his husband have a young child born via surrogate. They both say they will love the child no matter what but hope the child is not gay - not because there's anything wrong with being gay, not because they are self hating, but because even in this day and age gay people still have it pretty hard and face discrimination. Perhaps this is what PP meant.

No, actually, they are self hating. I used to think that too, and realized it was internalized homophobia.

Anonymous wrote:You'll need to grieve your expectations.

This response resonated with me. OP is sad, because she had a vision for her daughter that will not come to pass. The thing is, this is going to happen over and over about many things, because our children will be who they are, which is likely to diverge from our fantasies.

OP, you need to reframe this in your head. Unless you have some thoughts about homosexuality that are ingrained from a particular religious upbringing or something (which only you know, and in that case, you need to be prepared to do some serious work within yourself) this should not be any kind of special "disappointment" to you. Maybe you saw your daughters as a way to have a son you always wanted and never had? Well, that won't happen in this case. No different than if you envisioned your child growing up to be a doctor and they chose something else. Acknowledge your expectations, say goodbye to them, and focus on the beautiful child in front of you.

Anonymous wrote:I get it. I’m not sure why I would have any issue with my own kid being gay, but I was a little surprised when my daughter said she would never close off the door to dating either sex. I would just fully create an environment that is comfortable for her to come out, I’d embrace it with every fiber of my being, and go from there. I live in the suburbs and am catholic and I just do not see gay couples ever. So I don’t think it’s necessarily the easiest most normal thing, but you can try to make it that way and just be as kind and welcoming as possible.

This is gods gift to you ... you will be a better person to learn to know and love gay people.

Anonymous wrote:https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/dc-md-va/2021/02/24/gen-z-lgbt/%3foutputType=amp

Anyone see this article in today’s Washington Post? 1 in 6 people in Gen Z consider themselves to be LGBTQ+. And for young people, 13-17, the rates are even higher.

My question is this: are there really more gay kids today than 10 or 20 years ago?

No. But there are less in the closet gay people.