Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:44
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
But he’s not a stay at home dad! For one, I think a parent staying at home involves a discussion by both spouses. Here, dad lost job and will not get a full-time gig. He’s choosing to do what sounds like contract work. That’s a unilateral selfish decision.
You can’t say- I don’t want to work AND. I don’t want to take are of kids/home. Wtf that’s being a leech
Sounds to me like he does earn money, why OP won't clarify how much money he still brings to the table? If he is asking her to deduct some grandma donation to their mutual pool, he is clearly feeling very defensive about his earnings and her putting him down. How come she won't say how much he still earns? How come a married couple is penny pinching who contributed what? Bcs she is putting him on the spot, no? That would never fly on dcum if OP was a male, never. Moms of children should be cherished even if they stay in the bathrobe all day long, but dad?
No gym for you, loser.
Advice to mom: Honey, take an hour to go to the gym and leave the kids with your DH, he can take an hour a day to be with his kids.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:38
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
But he’s not a stay at home dad! For one, I think a parent staying at home involves a discussion by both spouses. Here, dad lost job and will not get a full-time gig. He’s choosing to do what sounds like contract work. That’s a unilateral selfish decision.
You can’t say- I don’t want to work AND. I don’t want to take are of kids/home. Wtf that’s being a leech
Are you new here? It’s always the moms decision.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:37
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
OP keeps harping on how DH makes 30% of what he made before. To me that means he made banana money before, was almost a breadwinner and is now coasting on that work (cushy or not he earned it).
How much do you make vs him NOW. What % of your salary vs his? I don’t want to encourage mercantilism in marriage but the way you base comparisons always against his salary vs his salary but then compare his time vs your time is odd.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:37
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
You are missing that they did not agree for him to be a SAHD. There is a difference.
So? He is one now, he is an unemployed spouse. He lost his job, many people lose their jobs, should the other spouse leave them right away?
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:36
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
You are missing that they did not agree for him to be a SAHD. There is a difference.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:35
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
But he’s not a stay at home dad! For one, I think a parent staying at home involves a discussion by both spouses. Here, dad lost job and will not get a full-time gig. He’s choosing to do what sounds like contract work. That’s a unilateral selfish decision.
You can’t say- I don’t want to work AND. I don’t want to take are of kids/home. Wtf that’s being a leech
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:26
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
So every SAHM should be ok with her DH telling her that she better put in thousands into their account while watching kids and fully knowing she doesn't have a job?
Let's just reverse these roles. SAHM, not working, one of those that is a poor housekeeper and feels overwhelmed by child care, she should somehow make Ks appear out of thin are and we would all applaud her DH who demanded that she pulls her weight financially?
We have many such threads, and while often the advice is to get her act together re child care and housekeeping, I have never heard the advice that such SAHM ought to make Ks appear and put them in the bank account.
How and why is this SAHD, as bad as he is as it, a loser for not putting money in the bank? Even though he is somehow, who knows how, but not only is he criticized for penny-pinching, he is a loser for not putting enough in the account.
Our advice to burned-out SAHM is to take some time for herself and to make sure DH is helping in the evening and does her share. But, our advice to SAHD is that every minute should be with the kids?
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:17
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
In my opinion: Extremely bold of the DH to ask for financial contribution breakdowns when he is actively resisting getting full time work and only contributing 30% of prior income
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:14
Subject: Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If the spouse who was complaining about being overwhelmed with the kids was female this would be a completely different thread
Agree. Pp’s husband needs to man up and take care of his kids.
Op, make a schedule. Your work hours are work hours. If he isn’t employed/working a paid job, his “work” is childcare. He needs to treat child care like a paid job and deal, or out the kids back in school. And when they’re back in school, his job is to find a job. Or if it’s not, his job is house care. No one, male or female should be lounging around doing nothing while their spouse works their ass off. I would be resentful too.
+1
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:05
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Op here.
He asked for an accounting of dollar amounts each of us has put into the joint accounts.
We did it.
It wasn’t a wildly different amount. In fact, I put in more.
Today’s schedule is a typical one- I do 6 hours of childcare. He will do 5. Currently he’s at the gym.
We agreed to seek out childcare ASAP.
Again, you are the good one and he is the bad one. Does it ever occur to you that you have a husband? A partner in life? That you and him, ought to see each other as human beings, with faults, strengths, trials? That this penny pinching is insane? Counting the hours of daycare is insane too.
If you can see your dh as a human being with all that comes with it, and if he is so terrible ad being a dh and a dad, divorce him. Why are you in this relationship?
How about you list things that are good about him? Is there a single thing about you that you are able to admit is not great and that he might find that just as much of an obstacle as you find his issues? If the answer is no, then you are delusional.
Plus, what is his job? How much does he earn if anything? Why be so vague?
Anonymous
02/09/2021 09:01
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Anonymous wrote:Op here.
He asked for an accounting of dollar amounts each of us has put into the joint accounts.
We did it.
It wasn’t a wildly different amount. In fact, I put in more.
Today’s schedule is a typical one- I do 6 hours of childcare. He will do 5. Currently he’s at the gym.
We agreed to seek out childcare ASAP.
Op again.
He asked me to recalculate to ensure that I subtract grandparent gifts from “my” deposits to get an accurate picture of what I’ve contributed with my money.
Do I sound like the insane bank worker?
The time and energy he’s spending to count dollars and cents - I wish he would spend these hours LOOKING FOR WORK while I’m with the kids.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 08:53
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
Op here.
He asked for an accounting of dollar amounts each of us has put into the joint accounts.
We did it.
It wasn’t a wildly different amount. In fact, I put in more.
Today’s schedule is a typical one- I do 6 hours of childcare. He will do 5. Currently he’s at the gym.
We agreed to seek out childcare ASAP.
He asked for an accounting of dollar amounts each of us has put into the joint accounts.
We did it.
It wasn’t a wildly different amount. In fact, I put in more.
Today’s schedule is a typical one- I do 6 hours of childcare. He will do 5. Currently he’s at the gym.
We agreed to seek out childcare ASAP.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 08:39
Subject: Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
The quibbling you two are doing over finances is all semantics. It is all your joint money, if earned during marriage, regardless of how you allot it into separate accounts. You are getting way too caught up in yours and his, when the goal should be to work as a team.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 08:35
Subject: Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
You sound totally insane, op. You are counting hours of daycare and dollars like you are a bank worker and billing for it.
Your DH appears to be earning some money, or how else would he deposit anything anywhere?
You have saddled him with a ton of day care and not a mention as to when he does his own work.
I've never read a more narcissistic and nothing is my fault tirade.
Your DH appears to be earning some money, or how else would he deposit anything anywhere?
You have saddled him with a ton of day care and not a mention as to when he does his own work.
I've never read a more narcissistic and nothing is my fault tirade.
Anonymous
02/09/2021 04:32
Subject: Re:Feeling extremely discouraged. A rant.
JMO but keeping truly separate finances indicates you’re not committed to the marriage and never have been. No wonder you two have such an adversarial relationship. (My spouse and I each have an individual account, but every month we put the EXACT SAME amount of money ($100-200) FROM the joint account into each. These accounts end up mainly being used to buy gifts for each other, but really, all money earned is OURS, not mine vs. his)