Anonymous wrote:This is something my DH would say. What he won’t tell you is that he is a church mouse and never advocates for himself or his family. He always leaves something unfinished, forgets to mention xyz, etc. I often have to follow up or do it myself. I have a demanding career. He does not. He buckles under pressure every time and it’s frustrating. He’s sweet and gentle and kind so I understand that but it’s still frustrating sometimes. I do love him and understand our different approaches. I’m the high achiever and have told him that I just can’t turn that off at home. He wanted a wife who worked and he got one along with the personality required to be a high achieving female in the business world.

Anonymous wrote:I’m on team OP as well. My husband is like this, and it’s because he is controlling and has anger issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

+1

There's no indication that the daycare director was pissed off by hearing "it's frustrating to have to complete this form again because you lost the first one we submitted," nor should they be. Based on his descriptions it doesn't sound like OP's wife "lost her temper" in either instance, he just seems like kind of a Nervous Nellie who gets anxiety in social situations. I think it might be worth him starting a conversation with her about how uncomfortable these instances made him feel, but because he has this need to frame it as "because you're so aggressive and hateful" instead of taking a step back and realizing that no lines were actually crossed, I doubt the conversation would be particularly productive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are right, and not a doormat. Your wife is like all the pp's in this thread. She's self important and bitchy.

And yes, if it was a man behaving like OPs wife, I wouldn't put up with it. Obviously, if women have to go to such extremes to get things done, she's doing it wrong.

misogyny

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

I would never piss off the people that care for (or teach) my children or make my food.

That’s just stupid on her part.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — talk to her. Tell her how you feel. See how she feels. Drop the idea that you’re right or she’s right. It doesn’t matter and neither of you is objectively right. You two just need to come to an agreement that you both can live with. Ask her to step back if you’re already dealing with something. Be prepared that she might ask you to be more assertive. You each get to have concerns that the other person should try to meet. It won’t go just one way (i.e. that she has to take a step back but you don’t have to make any changes).

NP, and I agree with this, particularly the bolded. I'd also push you to make sure that if something is agreed upon as "yours" to deal with, you make sure that it is completely off of her plate. You take ownership and responsibility for a task end-to-end. I know a lot of times I (woman) have done a bunch of "invisible work" that was stressful, and then something (even something minor) goes off plan and it just puts me over the edge because I've thought of 50 other details leading up to it and now there's THIS.

Also, as others have said - depression, general COVID stress, etc.

In the daycare example, OP responded and completed the form as promised. He took it completely off her plate. She decided to escalate with two additional emails over a lost form (like expressing displeasure was suddenly going to make them find the form?). I find this example much more egregious than the contractor example, which is a gray area. But I think the biggest issue here is that she undermines you. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, and I’m a woman.

You'd probably just bake them cookies. OP thinks he handled it, but likely what has happened before is the wife has to clean up after him . Daycare losing a form is not okay, and I say that as someone who worked in and ran a daycare.

You never once made a mistake when you worked in and ran a daycare? That’s wonderful for you but stuff happens. We all deal with all kinds of administrative bs all the time. I don’t let small things get to me.

Did the way OP’s wife stepped in to “handle it” make the daycare find the form? Nope. She was no more effective. There was no winning in that scenario so why not just suck it up and redo the form rather than berate some surely low-paid daycare worker?

Anonymous wrote:You need to advocate more, faster.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you OP. Your wife creates unnecessary tensions around her, and you. Plus she disrespects you if she attacks after Your interlocutor after you have already taken the decision not to make a big deal out of something.

Not sure you can change her level of agressivity (although I would calmly voice that you find it embarrassing and unwarranted) but as a minimum you should set clear boundaries regarding how she treats you. Make it clear that she shouldn’t undermine you. It is important