Anonymous wrote:Being married to a Dr: Last year we had three Christmas parties to attend. My DH was supposed to be off. For each one, I was all dressed up, babysitter there, waiting on him. He never came home. Cases get delayed, patients do poorly, emergencies happen and shift around things. Change Christmas party to school musical, important meeting, appointment. In short, it is an unpredictable life and you need to be flexible

you also need not to be sitting in your party dress waiting - go to the damn party on your own!

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand these posts. He's a doctor, not a martian. My parents are both doctors. Yeah, the hours are not 9-5 on M-F, but very few professions or high-earning jobs are.

DH and I both have senior roles in tech. Sometimes we work until very late at night. Sometimes my day starts at 6am. Sometimes we have to work on the weekend. Both of us often travel (pre-COVID). Honestly, our schedules are far less predictable than my parents' were.

Is your question about marrying a physician? Or is it about marrying someone with a demanding job? I know a lot of physicians, and most of them have better schedules than DH and I do.

I feel like esp in the DC area, people just don't understand it. My spouse is a Dr. Government modality here is so much a part of a culture....more than once here, we have met 'normal' people with government and government related jobs in this area who literally asked my spouse if he got makeup hours so he was only working 40 hrs per week. People who work in tech or biglaw or finance get it more, I think. But that is not the DC culture. I lived in nyc before and it was different. Lots of (educated) people work d wacky and non-predictable hours. Here, it is just not the case

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a doctor. He works some holidays but NBD—we just celebrate the day before or after.

What’s his specialty?

OP here. He’s an anesthesiologist. He’s not a resident but is a new doctor. He finished his schooling a year ago.

They generally have very regular schedules given it’s planned around surgery. Beats being an OB/GYN.

I don't understand these posts. He's a doctor, not a martian. My parents are both doctors. Yeah, the hours are not 9-5 on M-F, but very few professions or high-earning jobs are.

DH and I both have senior roles in tech. Sometimes we work until very late at night. Sometimes my day starts at 6am. Sometimes we have to work on the weekend. Both of us often travel (pre-COVID). Honestly, our schedules are far less predictable than my parents' were.

Is your question about marrying a physician? Or is it about marrying someone with a demanding job? I know a lot of physicians, and most of them have better schedules than DH and I do.

Being married to a Dr: Last year we had three Christmas parties to attend. My DH was supposed to be off. For each one, I was all dressed up, babysitter there, waiting on him. He never came home. Cases get delayed, patients do poorly, emergencies happen and shift around things. Change Christmas party to school musical, important meeting, appointment. In short, it is an unpredictable life and you need to be flexible

Does he want to be an involved father? Does he also want to stay home on weekends and holidays? If so, there are different types of settings he can work in that may provide a better work-life balance. It will not be as lucrative so that’s the trade-off. What’s important is that he’s on the same page as you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He could move to a surgery center for more regular hours. Plus it's probably the more senior people that get the better schedules.

No matter, anesthesiologists have set hours and shifts. He isn’t getting called back to work an hour after his gets home because a patient needs to go back to the OR. He isn’t getting called at 2am for an emergency (unless he is in on call). He is not a surgeon. All in all, he will have a pretty good schedule.

This poster is incorrect for most anesthesiologist settings. CRNAs are more like this. But for most njMDs, this is not how scheduling is done. yes, it is shift work. But that is most relevant for being on or off. My anesthesiologist husband shows up every morning he is working (usually for. 730am case) and leaves anywhere between 3:30pm and 7pm for an average day. He works probably 70 hours in an average week. He can take time off only in week increments.

He is fairly compensated, but he works very hard
His friends from residency around the country have professional lives structured on similar ways.

There are some jobs without overnight call and some lighter, scheduled surgicenter jobs. But they pay a lot lower and are much more 'boring.'

Can you send him over to me? I don’t mind his long hours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.

He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.

Then he shouldn't be a husband and a father. Isn't that what we tell women who pick time consuming careers? If he wants a family he needs to make more family friendly career choices.

No. Women in high earning, high demand fields are wise to seek out a partner that has a more flexible job plus outsource to nannies or can SAH.

There is no room for kids if BOTH parents have high earning, high demand fields unless they are raised by rotating round the clock nannies.

I know plenty of 2 doctor families. One of them usually has a less demanding specialty or works part time. There always has to be some give and take. You just need to know going in that you may be the one giving more at home while the other is giving more towards providing.

Then he needs to find part time work or go into teaching he can be a professor. We can't have it all..

I doubt he would be able to pay off his loans that way but if she wants to take on the burden of it great!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.

He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.

Then he shouldn't be a husband and a father. Isn't that what we tell women who pick time consuming careers? If he wants a family he needs to make more family friendly career choices.

No. Women in high earning, high demand fields are wise to seek out a partner that has a more flexible job plus outsource to nannies or can SAH.

There is no room for kids if BOTH parents have high earning, high demand fields unless they are raised by rotating round the clock nannies.

I know plenty of 2 doctor families. One of them usually has a less demanding specialty or works part time. There always has to be some give and take. You just need to know going in that you may be the one giving more at home while the other is giving more towards providing.

Then he needs to find part time work or go into teaching he can be a professor. We can't have it all..

Yeah OP you should move on. Certain careers require sacrifice from the spouse and family more than others. Like some physician specialties, big law spouses, military...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m married to a doctor. He works some holidays but NBD—we just celebrate the day before or after.

What’s his specialty?

OP here. He’s an anesthesiologist. He’s not a resident but is a new doctor. He finished his schooling a year ago.

I haven't read this all, but I'm married to an anesthesiologist. I love my husband. Op, what you describe you are looking for is not compatible with an anesthesiologist (even with the best of intentions). Hard stop. If these are truly the things you need, move along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.

He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.

Then he shouldn't be a husband and a father. Isn't that what we tell women who pick time consuming careers? If he wants a family he needs to make more family friendly career choices.

No. Women in high earning, high demand fields are wise to seek out a partner that has a more flexible job plus outsource to nannies or can SAH.

There is no room for kids if BOTH parents have high earning, high demand fields unless they are raised by rotating round the clock nannies.

I know plenty of 2 doctor families. One of them usually has a less demanding specialty or works part time. There always has to be some give and take. You just need to know going in that you may be the one giving more at home while the other is giving more towards providing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t want to be a default parent or have a husband who regularly works weekends and misses holidays.

He didn't get to where he is by having this mindset

He's not wired that way. You are entitled to your preferences. There is no reasonable way for him to accommodate, nor should he accommodate, your preference.

Then he shouldn't be a husband and a father. Isn't that what we tell women who pick time consuming careers? If he wants a family he needs to make more family friendly career choices.

One parent needs to make a family friendly choice, the other needs to make a high earning choice

I’m married to an anesthesiologist. I like my job, and I work part time. We have four kids. I have worked more in the past, but we really struggled with it. As a previous poster said, I felt that my kids were getting kind of a raw deal with multiple nannies and housekeepers.

The hours he works are part of it, but really, the other part is the money. Your boyfriend probably makes $2-3k when he picks up a weekend shift, and more for a holiday. If you are making $120k/yr and paying $50k for a nanny, that’s a net of $70k for your family. He could make that picking up two shifts a month, and you wouldn’t have to work at all. Or you could find a job working 0.5 FTE, make a net of $35k for your family, and he picks up one weekend shift a month.

By the way, as long as he isn’t spending that extra money, he is smart to invest as much as he can early in his career before he has a lot of other obligations.