It doesn't sound like you are "not a great mom." It sounds like your family is just overwhelmed and something has to give. I don't know how you're managing a full time job and 3 kids (including 2 with special needs) without any help. Do you realize what a stressful situation you are in, and that any normal person would have trouble managing it? I say be kind to yourself and do whatever you can to make your life easier. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Why do you expect more help out of your nine-year-old daughter than you do out of your husband? He’s the shitty one in this situation

+1

You’ve apparently given up on your DH, and you are now forcing your daughter into the role of a second parent and she isn’t having it.

Do better. You can and should have her do chores, but not the way you are doing it now. You need to lean heavily on your DH.

This OP. You need to hire help if your dh is worthless, and not make your 9 year old jump when you say how high. It's not going to bode well later. It's not her fault you went on to have a third child who also has special needs. She probably feels like you are making this her problem instead of yours.

This happened in my dh's family and the oldest sister now hates all her siblings as an adult.

Please get yourself some counseling, and please hire help to clean the house and outsource everything you can. Have a list of doable chores for each child, like cleaning up their own room,taking care of any pets, maybe unloading or loading the dishwasher every night. But it needs to be consistent, fair, and not at a moments notice.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

OP, I do not think you’re a shitty mom, but you cannot lean on a 9 year old for support. You must expect more of your husband. Additionally, can you hire some help around the household, so you have more time to engage emotionally with your kids?

Anonymous wrote:The only one I feel bad for is your kid for having to deal with you and your useless husband. And now you’ll probably resent her because she has shined a spotlight on your inadequacies. Give her back her iPad, at the least, for all she’s putting up with from y’all. In fact, give her a beer and let her choose what to watch on tv, cause it sounds like she’s basically the only functional one

Well, now we know you’re just trolling.

Anonymous wrote:She is right, you are wrong. Stop being a shi*y mom to your child.

And what of the DH? Where is your judgment of him in this scenario?

OP,


You are a wonderful, loving and caring mother.

You are the best mother to these kids.

They know it. They love you.

Alas, there’s this thing called adolescence that will get in the way for a few years. Most of us went through an ungrateful phase and have kids that will go through the same thing. Sometimes it starts earlier than you’d expect...

You’re the adult. Enforce rules. Stay calm. Do not allow swearing but allow her to express her feelings in polite language. Make her feel heard. Tell her you both have it hard, and sympathize.

I hope you have friends you can call when you need support. And try to get your husband to do something, anything. Mine was missing in action for much of my kids’s early years, but is parenting our teen as best he can.

It’s sad that people here don’t recognize the benefits of chores. There have been many studies done that show how good they are for kids. Here is just one:

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_benefits_of_kids_doing_chores

The book “how to be a happier parent” has an awesome chapter on chores, if anybody is looking to learn the benefits of chores and see how to implement them. It’s great because the author uses solid studies to back up the premise and has a lot of anecdotes about implementing them and kids benefiting from them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe you should find a forum for parents of special needs kids. I don’t know what’s with the posters here but they don’t seem to understand a) the importance of making kids do chores and b) the difficulties of raising siblings of special needs kids. You aren’t getting a lot of great advice.

Oh please. It sounds like OP is doing fine handling her special needs kids. They get all the attention and understanding. What she’s failing at is being a mother to her daughter. This is not about doing chores. OP did not even bother to stop and have a 5 minute conversation with her daughter that unloading the dishwasher would be her job every morning. She expected to bark orders to come help her “right NOW” abd she didn’t care what she was doing or what was going in her life. The daughter gets zero understanding. And at 9 she’s able to recognize that her mom just wants her to shut up and not make waves. I agree that it’s incredibly hard to be a mom to special needs kids. What OP needs to stop doing is relying on her 9 year old daughter as a support system. She’s just a little girl. She needs a mom too.

It’s not that she needs help with her special needs kid. She needs help with the siblings of her special needs child, and I imagine she could get more advice and help with that than she is getting here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nah, it’s the age and love of screens. My 9 year old acts the same way, although he wouldn’t dare curse- he says I’m mean and it’s unfair. Make a chore chart and stick to your consequence.

I call BS. It’s 4:48 am and you’re on your screen calling out a kid in an objectively difficult home situation. Is it an innate lack of empathy or is it your love screens?

This is a tough dynamic because as the oldest girl, parents subconsciously already demand more household chores. That combined with the other kids issues means her parents probably don’t even notice how much more they’re asking of her. She’s still a kid. And I bet it stings to always be the one being the one getting yelled at for chores when her brother and baby sister get praise just for existing.

The 9 yr old is also the oldest. By default, she should have more responsibility than her siblings and she should be more mature and capable. She wants more attention and less chores. Most kids do. She also has to realize that she has pull her weight around the house and that not everyone can pull the same amount. At 9, you probably need to remind her of this on a regular basis. As mom, you have to realize that your oldest probably resents her siblings because she perceives an unfairness when it comes to chores and a lot of things. My 9 yr old has mentioned as much to me because he has watched me spend a ton of time with his brother, who needed a lot of help when he first started school and had a lot of therapies and appointments. Talk to your DD about it. Show her that you understand and make your side clear.
IMHO, all 3 kids can and should do chores. Its a part of being a family. Op, I know that it won't be 100% fair but you have to make it clear which child does what and why. My 9 yr old DS loads/unloads the washer, loads/unloads/turns on dryer, puts dishes away, puts his clothes way, makes/strips his bed, sets/clears the table, vacuums, cleans up around the toilet, cleans up his room and toys, dusts on occasion, and takes out the trash/recycling. My 12 yr old DS (has ADHD, mild CP, and some Anxiety) does the same as the 9 y old plus, turns on/adds detergent to washer on occasion, loads dishwasher, cleans inside their toilet, and cleans their bathroom counter. Surprisingly (sarcasm intended), they still have a ton of time to play video games and do things that they want.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

You are such a great mom! Your kids are learning resilience and that the world does not revolve around them. It sounds like you are down about your dh. I would get into couples counseling stat or just tell him you want a separation. They need to see you happy too.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Oh, and your very immature 8yo DS with ADHD will remain immature as long as you coddle him and don't have him help at all.

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

You can afford to set reasonable boundaries with your 9yo. Set a schedule for when she does things. Maybe that's emptying the dishwasher by 9 am. Maybe that's responding immediately when you call her, and coming to empty it within 5 minutes (after wrapping up whatever she was doing, just like you'd expect from an adult).

You can also set boundaries with your DH. Your 9yo is NOT a substitute.

Why have three kids with a useless husband? I mean I used to be married to a useless man myself but wised up after just one!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

Why do you expect more help out of your nine-year-old daughter than you do out of your husband? He’s the shitty one in this situation

+1

You’ve apparently given up on your DH, and you are now forcing your daughter into the role of a second parent and she isn’t having it.

Do better. You can and should have her do chores, but not the way you are doing it now. You need to lean heavily on your DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6DD developmentally is closer to 4/5 due to being in the hospital off and on from age 3 to almost 5. DS is also very immature due to his ADHD although he is very smart, virtual learning has been nightmare, he will rip up papers, throw pencils, and even harm himself or his siblings when frustrated. Their behaviors have completely drained me.

I realize that I see my 9DD has being much older than my younger two. I will admit that I am harder on her and do rely on her for more help. I don’t think my DD is wrong that I’m a shitty mom, but I do need her help, I cannot handle her having tantrums and screaming too over a simple chore.

I am sad this is what my life looks like and I’m also sad that I can’t give my oldest a more normal childhood, but I can’t change the circumstances and I’m at a loss.

No, you don’t need her help. She. Is. 9. Years. Old.

This, she’s a 9 year old child.