The Polar Express. Best explanation ever. It’s not about “being real”.

My uncle was traumatized by finding out Santa wasn’t real when he was older (like 8). He couldn‘t believe my grandparents had lied to him for so long and was very upset. As a result my mom insisted on telling us the truth from birth, and I did the same with my kids. Not worth it!

Thats ok OP mine figured out around that age too. In our house kids are warned they gets gifts from Santa only if they are good and coal if they behave badly and we are all in on the Santa joke which makes it super fun when we tease each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some girl in my daughter’s kindergarten class had parents like this. She came in and told everyone Santa wasn’t real. My daughter was in tears and I just told her that the little girl’s parents were so mean they didn’t allow Santa in their house so the poor girl doesn’t know he’s real. That worked.

And you think the other parents are the crazy ones??!!??

Lol just say they’re on the naughty list!

It's much more gentle to let them connect the dots than for you to say "No" when they ask if Santa is real.

When my DD was 4 she found a book at the library about Santa and asked if he was real. I asked her if on Halloween when she dressed up as Cinderella was she REALLY Cinderella or just a little girl who had a LOT of fun pretending to be Cinderella for a day? Two seconds later when it had clicked, I told her we pretend for all the other kids who believe he's real.

Anonymous wrote:4 is prime time the best age for Santa belief...why do the Santa thing at all if you’re just going to screw it up this badly?

Might as well stop playing Santa for the 2 year old too. Maybe you can take him to Disney and tell him the characters are just fat dudes in costumes.

Oh, please. You know, kids don't really think that there are mice and ducks and mermaids that are six feet tall and strolling around Florida.

I never believed in Santa because I was told he knew everything so I saw no reason to tell him what I wanted. I never got what I wanted so I knew he wasn't real. Believe it or not, Christmas with its music, decorations, surprises and family love was more than magic that I could ever have imagined!

4 is prime time the best age for Santa belief...why do the Santa thing at all if you’re just going to screw it up this badly?

Might as well stop playing Santa for the 2 year old too. Maybe you can take him to Disney and tell him the characters are just fat dudes in costumes.

I found out around age 7, and although my kids still have a few years, around that age strikes me as more or less the "right" time, but I won't push it. And don't be too hard on yourself, OP, you were trying to keep your promise to yourself to always be honest with your child in response to questions and that's a darn good principle to have.

When I started to "question," my parents made it a bit of a teaching moment by making me figure it out. "If Santa isn't real, where do those presents come from?" "You and dad?" "Really? When would we have the time to go get presents? And where would we keep them before Christmas morning?"

They must have had the presents hidden real well because I searched and never found them! Also I had a damn hard time figuring out "when" they would buy the presents. I even wrote down a little calendar. When I went to school, they went to work. And you don't buy presents at work, so that didn't make sense. Then they'd pick me up from school and we'd go home for dinner. So I just didn't see how they could possibly "be Santa" for the longest time!

My kids are in middle school. Let me explain how it’s done. Up to about age 6 you just vehemently pretend Santa is real. Starting around 7, when they get more rational and have heard the rumors, you suggest that believing is important to getting the presents. This causes them to play along until about age 10 or 11. It makes Xmas more fun for the whole family. The grandparents enjoy it, parents, kids, everyone. It’s for FUN. This is not like telling your kid to hide sexual abuse. It’s a fun little pretend secret about magic that everyone likes to participate in as part of the joy of Xmas.

It's tough to second guess these things. I right around your daughter's age when I asked my parents and my mom point-blank told me. I took it really hard--and also figured out the tooth fairy and the easter bunny. Did I mention this was a conversation that happened on Christmas Eve? Yeah, it sucked.

With my kids, we did a lot of "what do you think" and "Some people believe and some don't, it's up to you what you think but you will always get presents from Santa no matter what you believe."

First kid - found out at age 10 but didn't tell me for MONTHS. She had done the "lookup"/dictionary feature on her Kindle paper white for Santa, which stated that Santa was fictional. I think that it was good that it was on her own terms. (And I think it's funny that she waited to let me know that she knew ... she had to break the news to me that she knew instead of me breaking the news to her!)

Second kid - started questioning around 9/10 but when asked "Do you really want to know the answer?" he said NO firmly. He was not officially told until he was 11/12, but obviously he knew before then.

Third kid - asked me when she was 7, just the two of us in the car.... it was actually before her older brother had wanted to be officially told, so it threw me a bit. But she INSISTED that she wanted to know. When I told her she was gleeful and literally clapped her hands because she was so happy she'd figured it out.

Some things we did:

-Talked to our kids about the magic of Santa. Santa is giving presents without getting a thank-you or acknowledgment from the person you gave to. We found ways to be Santa to friends and neighbors.

-Each kid got to pick out one small thing to include in their siblings' stocking... sometimes it was candy or band-aids or a pen. Just a little something to enjoy the fun of being in on the game.

-They were all instructed NOT TO TELL their siblings regardless of whether that sibling officially knew. For example, when my youngest kid found out we said not to tell our oldest (who already knew). This extended the magic a bit by making everyone feel that they could still play along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some girl in my daughter’s kindergarten class had parents like this. She came in and told everyone Santa wasn’t real. My daughter was in tears and I just told her that the little girl’s parents were so mean they didn’t allow Santa in their house so the poor girl doesn’t know he’s real. That worked.

And you think the other parents are the crazy ones??!!??

Lol, seriously. Now PP has compounded the relatively innocent Santa lie with a truly malicious lie about her daughter's friend's parents' character. Charming.

At age 4, they don’t want the truth!

You told a 5yo that santa isn't real?? That's some cold stuff right there.

We started the "transition" around 9...de-emphasizing santa in favour of discussing the season and the "magic" that comes with loving and caring for the world. Kids will eventually get it, kind of like non-sociapthic adults get it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At that age, I wouldn’t have ruined the magic for her.

My kid turned 4 in October, so I guess not that much younger than yours. She definitely believes in Santa and we’re having fun with it.

All kids figure it out at some point. No need to rush it.

She’ll be 5 in January.

Last year she didn’t show any hesitation, told us all about Santa and how he does everything, and was very earnest about it. This year she’s been asking a lot more critical thinking type questions about how Santa does things (which I typically answered by asking what she thinks, which frustrates her, or by saying it’s magic, which she knows isn’t real), and then she asked if he’s real.

The 'what do you think' works for many kids, and it works for some kids for a time, and for other kids it's not the right approach. OP, you are fine. Please ignore the people who are 'so, so sad' for your daughter. Your daughter will be fine; it's all good. It sounds to me like she was ready to hear it, even if she was hoping for a different reply.

I agree with this. My child also gets frustrated when she asks me about something that’s important to her and I reply with “What do you think?” She even follows up by asking if I can look it up on my phone or if we can find out at the library. She’s 5 by the way. It’s silly how some parents like to pretend that the “what do you think?” deflection works all the time. It doesn’t. And I think that not telling my daughter would have been more hurtful than whatever disappointment she had over finding out. It’s a terrible feeling to sense that everyone is lying to you but not know for sure and have your parents constantly blow you off.

Let’s face it — if a kid is asking this way they already know. They’re just waiting to find out if they can trust you to give them accurate information.